30 - DRY (w/ Chris James)

Transcript

SPEAKER_05 0:00

Throughout time, philosophers have befuddledly wondered aloud the answer to one simple question How do you describe salt without saying salty? Today, in this very podcast studio, two non-philosophers will attempt to answer that question with the help of some special guests and the time-tested medium of long-form improv. Whether or not that improv will actually have anything to do with the topic at hand is frankly not up in the air. It won't have anything to do with it. But you'll still want to listen anyway. Welcome to Describe Salt. Derek, it's that time of year again. Christmas! Baseball seaseball Christmas season is upon us. Uh-huh. Baseball Christmas. It's here. I love baseball Christmas. Every year we anticipate the arrival of Baseball Christmas. We uh kids clamor to the windows for the arrival of of baseball Santa.

SPEAKER_01 1:16

What's that falling from the sky, Daddy?

SPEAKER_05 1:18

Everyone argues about whether he's a first baseman or a second baseman.

SPEAKER_01 1:21

I hear he's Babe Ruth.

SPEAKER_05 1:24

See, that's that's kids talk. Oh. But but but we adults know. Jimmy told me that he's not real. We adults know the truth that baseball Santa is uh baseball Santa. Is actually the GM.

SPEAKER_07 1:39

Okay, anyway. Oh, the Gardmanger. The what? The garde manger. Oh. The guy who does the salads in fancy restaurants.

SPEAKER_06 1:49

Oh, yes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:51

Yes. That's what that's what Babe Ruth does. Yeah. He walks in that's that's what Santa Claus Babe Ruth does. How many levels can we get this? Okay, that's what Santa Claus Babe Ruth does. He goes into restaurants and he builds some salads. And he goes, All right, I'm gonna build you a salad. And then he tosses it. He just tosses the salad. Lizada does. And then he just he just he takes the he takes a big handful of pecorino and he just starts chucking at a pizza.

SPEAKER_07 2:17

Hey, wait, side question. How many how many innings are there in an out and in a basket in a baseball?

SPEAKER_04 2:27

Should I answer it? Is there nine or is it? 16 innings? No, this is this is a side conversation. This is this is it's nine. Nine? That's nine. Oh, why did I think there was twelve? I don't know.

SPEAKER_07 2:38

So does he have nine reindeer and they're all innings? They're all innings. Is that the same thing? Because he's Santa Claus, he's baseball Santa Claus Babe Ruth. See, I like the connection.

SPEAKER_05 2:47

I like the reindeer connection, but what does innings have to do with it? Showing in all the reindeer games.

SPEAKER_07 2:54

That's all I got.

SPEAKER_05 2:56

They're like named after the innings. It's like it's first innings. Okay, I'm going to right now, I'm going to sing Rudolph the baseball playing reindeer. Okay. And you're going to replace all the things that you shout in between the lines with baseball-related things, okay? Alright, here we go. Oh no. Rudolph the baseball playing reindeer. Baseball. Had a very shiny bat. Like an outfield. And if you ever saw it. Third base. You can even say it smacks. Bad hot dogs. All of the other reindeer. Cracker Jack. Used to laugh and call him names. Oregon Lady. They never let poor Rudolph join in the seventh inning stretch. Second and first bases. And one foggy Christmas baseball eve. Umpire. Santa Santa Babe Ruth came to say. Umpire. I already said that once. You gotta do something that's ho ho ho. Oh. Santa Babe Ruth came to say. You're out! There we go. Rudolph with your bat so bright. Won't you smack my ball tonight? Uh then how the reindeer loved him. Baseball. As they shouted out with Glee. You're safe. Safe! Rudolph the baseball reindeer. Bad beer. You'll go down in baseball stats history. Red socks. Red socks. I know very little words. Thank you. Well, this is this is a this is a great time to, I think, introduce our our experts. Well, actually, they don't even know who we are. Oh, they don't. I'm Derek.

SPEAKER_07 4:54

And this is a podcast about improv.

SPEAKER_05 4:56

Oh, oh. Well, and I'm Dan, and this is a podcast about uh baseball, amongst other things. I'd say primarily baseball.

SPEAKER_04 5:05

The audience can't see it, but I want them to understand that I don't under I don't understand the peaking that has been going on the last, like, I'm gonna have to do some weird They won't have seen it, but they will have heard it.

SPEAKER_05 5:16

They will experience it. They will have experienced it. Anyway, you brought a brace brace ball. We brought a Christmas baseball historian onto the podcast today to talk about the the the long storied history of baseball Christmas. So please, welcome to the podcast. Schmidty Jones.

SPEAKER_04 5:37

Thank you. Thank you. It's nice to be on Derek and Dan. How are you? Oh wow, Schmidty Jones. Greatest time of year, wouldn't you say? Absolutely. Baseball Christmas. Baseball Christmas. April June. April. April. April Jamai. April Jamai is a good one. Yeah. When is Christmas baseball? It's uh April Jamai 3rd. April Jamaican. It usually happens on the uh midway point of the spring solstice every single year.

SPEAKER_05 6:02

Yeah, that's what I've heard. I've never quite understood exactly what that meant, but I just know that it happened. It's like after. I just know that there is rules for when it happens, and I don't know when they'll be.

SPEAKER_04 6:11

It's usually just a second second Sunday of April Jamaias. Yeah, yeah. April Jamaican. April Jama Easter, yeah. That's pretty cool. Do you guys celebrate with any special like hot dogs? Yeah. Uh the uh the Dodger dog is is the uh customary thing that we eat.

SPEAKER_05 6:27

I don't know that I've ever experienced pretty little. What's a Dodger dog?

SPEAKER_04 6:29

You've never had a Dodger dog before. No.

SPEAKER_05 6:31

Oh, is this just a a large hot dog? It's it's just a hot dog that's sold at Dodger Stadium. And but is this one special for Christmas baseball? Nope. Oh. It's just a hot dog. It's just a hot dog. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 6:41

Well, hey, but it's it's a special one because it's the one that we eat on baseball Christmas. Baseball Christmas. Yeah. So is it true? I I was I was trying to do a little bit of research before you came on so that I didn't sound like a complete idiot. Okay. Uh is it true that Babe Ruth died for the sins of all the players and actually came back to life three days later? Yeah, absolutely. Oh did you see the the movie? Passion of Babe Ruth. Oh, Sandlaws. You've seen that's when he comes back to life.

SPEAKER_05 7:09

Yeah. He was betrayed by Joe DiMaggio. And then he he kissed him on the cheek. Joe DiMaggio kissed Babe Ruth on the cheek. Yep. And then you can correct me if I'm saying anything wrong. Yes.

SPEAKER_04 7:25

The child, he what did he say? What was the quote? I don't remember the quote exactly. We've all seen the movie. You've seen the movie.

SPEAKER_05 7:30

Yeah, we've all seen the movie. Yeah, I've seen the movie. There's no crying in baseball. That's exactly the right movie. That's the right movie. There's no crying in baseball Christmas. It's like a one smoke. It's the one tradition that everyone upholds for sure every single time. You can't cry for 24 hours on baseball Christmas. Nope.

SPEAKER_04 7:44

There's no crying in baseball Christmas. Absolutely right. There's no crying on baseball Christmas.

SPEAKER_06 7:48

I I do cry on baseball Christmas.

SPEAKER_04 7:50

You know, sometimes I do too, but I think it's in remembrance of our Lord and Savior, Babe Ruth. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 7:55

What's your favorite uh baseball Christmas song?

SPEAKER_04 7:57

Oh, my favorite baseball Christmas song has got to be uh You know that you're gonna have to sing it when he decides what it is, right? Well, I'm just learning that. It's all holy night.

SPEAKER_07 8:06

Oh the balls, the balls are flying. It's in the air. And his hands so outstretched. That one?

SPEAKER_04 8:18

That's the one. That's the one. That's the right one. It was beautiful. He jumps up in the air and he catches it. He does. Beautiful.

SPEAKER_05 8:23

I like the verse where he hits it into the San Francisco Bay. Where else does that one go?

SPEAKER_04 8:29

I don't remember that verse.

SPEAKER_05 8:30

I look, I don't sing. I can't sing.

SPEAKER_07 8:32

There are people sitting in a kayak in a very cold bay. Did this happen?

SPEAKER_04 8:39

Uh once or twice, yeah. Oh, cool. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 8:41

I didn't I don't know. I don't keep up on Christmas.

SPEAKER_04 8:43

So there's actually a cool little ticker in right field that's called the splash sit, the splash hit ticker.

SPEAKER_05 8:49

Oh, is there?

SPEAKER_04 8:49

Uh-huh. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 8:51

This is less to do with baseball Christmas and just more to do with baseball. It's just a basketball baseball basis. I'm finding that a lot of things that have to do with baseball Christmas are just baseball facts. Yeah. So I guess how that works, right? I guess that makes sense.

SPEAKER_04 9:02

So it's the holidays of baseball. I was I'm so sorry. I was raised to believe that baseball Christmas was actually a sin. Really? Because real Christmas, well, sorry, our real quit Christmas was with Jesus and Santa Claus getting married and getting the space shuttle and heading out to the North Pole. Um, which was like super sick. Uh-huh. Um and really, really gay forward, which was awesome. Wow. Anyway, um, so my my main question here, is it true, because I think this might have been propaganda, that all of that all of that all of the snow ashbagonda? That all the snow is actually the dandruff from Babe Ruth. Actually, it's the cocaine that the Mets take.

SPEAKER_05 9:45

It's Mets Mets cocaine. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_04 9:48

Sorry you had stuff verse of a holding hand. The prop the the the propaganda or whatever you said was got you there. It was actually the cocaine that the Mets took. Okay. Yeah. Interesting. Interesting. Uh, I don't know why my mom lied about that one. Yeah, it's because probably because they dish didn't want you to know the truth. She told me that burgers were cooked on the floor of McDonald's. Which logically makes no sense. Well, actually, they're on the ceiling. We all know that. Yeah. Oh. You didn't know that? Love me a ceiling burger. That's crazy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 10:13

Me too. I mean, we're not here to talk about ceiling burgers, but I mean, sounds like we could teach you a thing or two if you really wanted us. I mean, yeah, but you're not experts on that. You're experts on freaking I mean, I'm not.

SPEAKER_04 10:23

I mean, when I went to school, when I went to school to be an expert on baseball Christmas, they did have a course in ceiling burgers, and I did take it.

SPEAKER_05 10:30

Wait, so you okay. So this isn't like a specialized specialist thing that you kind of fell into school before baseball. I studied. How long has baseball Christmas been a thing?

SPEAKER_04 10:39

15 years. Oh.

SPEAKER_05 10:41

Is that it? Just uh really swear I remember it from my childhood.

SPEAKER_04 10:44

Really short holiday.

SPEAKER_05 10:46

Oh. Wow. It's brand new. Yeah, it's brand, brand new. Just slightly older than Juneteenth.

SPEAKER_06 10:54

As a nationally recognized holiday.

SPEAKER_04 10:58

Okay, I just uh I I was curious why you didn't call it Bristmas. Bristmas? What where would you get Bristmas from? Baseball or baseball Christmas.

SPEAKER_05 11:08

We all know that Babe Ruth Santa got sued by brisket companies after he insisted they start calling it Pristmas. So he said, okay, fine. We'll just call it the whole thing. We'll just call it Pristmas. Or baseball Christmas.

SPEAKER_04 11:18

RR Barbecue really came in and uh threw a curveball in there on it.

unknown 11:22

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 11:23

I worked for them for five years. Really? Yeah. Yeah, it was that's do they actually smoke all their meats? Uh okay. When I worked there, uh huh, this is real. This is my bit. I worked there for five years. I was an executive trainer. I trained people how to cook the meat. This is not a bit. Totally 100% smoked all in-house. Now? I can't speak for now. No, there's no way everything's gone downhill. There's no way. Uh I do think that they smoke everything in-house, but it's the the procedures have gone downhill and it's all very different. I'm pretty sure they smoke it at the Salt Lake location and then they just like ship it. They actually don't.

SPEAKER_07 11:53

Really? No, they wanted to for a long time and they they didn't. It was too much overhead. They actually had a location up there where they were cooking a bunch of stuff and it got shut down. Damn. Insider knowledge.

SPEAKER_05 12:02

Inside baseball. We made it back to baseball. Inside baseball.

SPEAKER_04 12:06

Back to baseball. I I heard so they were trying to call it Bristmas for a while. And then there was that one little group in Alabama that got confused and circumcised all those kids. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 12:14

That started the war on Bristmas. Really unfortunate. Alex Jones has been so quiet on the war on Bristmas. I don't understand it. I think it's because Jordan Peterson, where are you? We need you. Oh, you know, I'm right here. I shouldn't have brought it back. It's literally our like two most common characters on the podcast, Jordan Peterson and Alex Jones.

SPEAKER_06 12:38

I think that the the the the thing about the Bristmas is that when you cut the tips off the penises, they become better at baseball.

SPEAKER_04 12:47

Yeah, they they do actually. It's your aerodynamic. It's actually taught that way.

SPEAKER_05 12:51

Stop letting people tell you that Bristmas isn't real. Don't allow it.

SPEAKER_08 12:57

Well, I think that the gay frogs are in charge of this.

SPEAKER_04 13:01

I don't have an Alex Jones. I think Alex Jones is hard. Yeah. It's just hard.

SPEAKER_06 13:07

So Scotty Chamberlain.

SPEAKER_04 13:09

Schmidtie Jones. Schmidtie Jones. Thank you.

SPEAKER_05 13:14

Oh, sorry. Derek was bringing up famed baseball player Scotty Chamberlain.

SPEAKER_04 13:18

Yeah, very famous on the Bristmas. Yeah, Bristmas.

SPEAKER_05 13:21

Which team did he play? Oh, he was a bit of a journeyman, I guess.

SPEAKER_04 13:23

A bit of a journeyman. He made most of his money with the Cubs, though. Yes. I feel like that's kind of common nowadays.

SPEAKER_05 13:29

Yeah. He was with and with the Cubs. Obviously the Cubs are the only team that don't celebrate Bristmas. Right. They're all famously on the size. Yes, and they instead they all celebrate uh St. Patrick's Day Baseball. Yeah. Yeah. And so instead of having a four-leaf clover, they have a foreskin.

SPEAKER_04 13:46

It's a four-skin clover.

SPEAKER_07 13:49

They just tighten a little bit. Oh, four skin.

SPEAKER_04 13:51

You think that one of the clover is that the foreskin's a little too tight and it hurts a little bit. Yeah, it does.

SPEAKER_05 13:57

That's called a three-skin clover.

SPEAKER_04 13:59

I've got a foreskin and it it's a good thing. Really? Lucky. It would be tough to tie that into a clover. Yeah, it really would. You just haven't tried hard enough. Oh, I've tried. Listen, when you're a kid and you're bored and you're not allowed to masturbate, there's so much you do with your penis. Is that the is that true? Yeah, I grew up believing in Brism, man. I was scared my dick was gonna get chopped off at any moment. Yeah. Because you don't understand. Fair enough. When when you have the full thing, you're like, okay, someone's gonna cut the tip off, but what where does the tip begin? Um Yeah, fair point. Fair point. I thought you'd be more of an expert on that. I mean, I'm yeah. I told you I took two classes. It was the American uh baseball Christmas, and then I took the ceiling um ceiling burgers, but I missed the Bristmas class, unfortunately. Oh, that's too bad. Oh, the But you graduated? I did. It's just a it's just a certificate. It's not really that big of a deal. Oh, well, don't downplay that. That's still worth it. Like five grand, I can say that. Yeah, you put in the work.

SPEAKER_05 14:59

Yeah, so and now you're the official Bristmas historian for the MLB. I'm trying.

SPEAKER_04 15:04

Yeah, I'm trying. Oh, you're trying? Yeah, I'm trying.

SPEAKER_05 15:06

Oh, it's not it's not official yet. No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_04 15:09

I kind of in the minors right now. I'm focused on the dirty sodas.

SPEAKER_05 15:12

May I recommend the avenue of John Boy?

SPEAKER_04 15:16

Really?

SPEAKER_05 15:16

I just hear he's got an inside view now.

SPEAKER_04 15:19

He's pretty, pretty good. I don't know who that is. You don't know who John Boy is? Oh, he's this guy. He's a YouTuber that like reads lips. It's actually pretty cool, pretty fun.

SPEAKER_05 15:27

He reads lips and he and he knows a lot about baseball.

SPEAKER_04 15:30

He talks about the Yankees. Oh, the MLB hired him. Yeah. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:34

Does he do anything with Pristmas?

SPEAKER_04 15:36

Um yeah, I think he's got a little special that he does every June. That's cool. Yeah, that's cool. He actually uh live streamed his son's circumcision. It was pretty wild.

SPEAKER_05 15:48

I wasn't even aware of that. Really? There's there's so much content on that channel. I can't I can't keep up.

SPEAKER_04 15:53

There's like four podcasts.

SPEAKER_05 15:54

Four podcasts, the warehouse games, the YouTube, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 15:57

And then there was the one really weird. A lip reading a circumcision is probably one of the cradiest. Yeah, it's really hard because they've all got the masks on because they're all surgeons.

SPEAKER_07 16:07

Scalpel?

unknown 16:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 16:09

Well, I think it's about time for our sponsor. I think. Schmidt, thanks so much for being here.

SPEAKER_05 16:14

They're welcome. Tell Scotty Chambers I say hey. I will chamberlain. Okay. Well, thanks for being here. We'll catch you next time. We need some inside baseball knowledge. And we will see you right after the break. Time for some ads. Welcome back to the one and only podcast about the this podcast.

SPEAKER_04 16:38

I really need to look more into Bristmas. Yeah. I mean, it's interesting concept.

SPEAKER_05 16:44

Wait, who are you?

SPEAKER_04 16:45

Oh, hey, sorry.

SPEAKER_05 16:46

Oh, hey. It's our true special guest for the episode. Everybody, welcome to the podcast, Chris James.

SPEAKER_04 16:53

Hey, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Chris James. Is that a thing that I can do now? Can we clap?

SPEAKER_05 16:59

I get sure. You want to start clapping for all the guests? We've definitely heaven in the past.

SPEAKER_06 17:05

Anyway, hi, Chris.

SPEAKER_04 17:08

Nice to be here. Nice to be here.

SPEAKER_05 17:11

How do you know? How do you know Derek here?

SPEAKER_04 17:13

How do I know Derek? I know Derek from about how what time is it? An hour ago? It's 1140. It's 11:40. We've been talking for a long time. Jesus. Yeah. We've just been hanging. And I know you from something in the past. Probably. You seem incredibly familiar to me. Cool. Is that so? Yeah, actually. You haven't brought that up yet. No, I've been thinking it though. I've been looking into your eyes. I haven't a very recognizable face.

SPEAKER_05 17:38

That's true.

SPEAKER_04 17:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 17:40

I've always known that about you. Yes. Yeah, okay. The jigs up. Chris and I went to college together. Yeah, that's right. What an episode in a row that I'm bringing on. And like the multi-college friends.

SPEAKER_07 17:52

In which it's an old college friend.

SPEAKER_04 17:54

Yeah. Just kidding. This podcast is just an excuse for Dan to hang out with his friends and do that. Yeah, oh yeah. I figure we're funny together. We might as well record it and then try and sell it, right? I'm here to make money, but Dan's here to just hang out with his friends.

SPEAKER_05 18:07

I'm actively trying to make no money from his podcast.

SPEAKER_04 18:12

Oh, that's fun. So you guys went to college together. And you're friends with pretty much everybody on this podcast. Pretty much, yeah. Yeah. That's also.

SPEAKER_05 18:20

Brandon and Casey from last week.

SPEAKER_04 18:21

Brandon and Casey. Jill from two episodes ago. Josh Ebert. Josh.

SPEAKER_07 18:25

It's been on twice now. Kissed that man seven times.

SPEAKER_04 18:28

Really? Lucky you.

SPEAKER_05 18:29

Seven?

SPEAKER_04 18:30

Oh, sorry, six. Have I kissed Josh Ebert? I might have. I don't know. I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 18:34

We did all play Spin the Bottle once. A group of like 25 people. Yep.

SPEAKER_04 18:39

What should I say that one other part? What? There was a professor there?

SPEAKER_05 18:43

Oh, yeah. Sure. I'll say that. Yeah, I'm not I'm not going to say any more details about that professor. Nope, not enough. Not that they even work there anymore. Nobody from back then does it. Can I just ask one question?

SPEAKER_04 18:55

Yeah. We'll be as vague as possible, but yes. The like age range of the professor that is involved. That's all I'll say. Like younger than you guys. Oh, no. No, no, no. Because at the time we were 21, 22, right? Yeah. At the most. There were people that were older than us there, though. I'm not going to say how young. That's how what I'll leave it at.

SPEAKER_05 19:14

Cool professor, though.

SPEAKER_04 19:15

I'm not going to completely kind of professor that like walks in like Steve Buscemi in that one movie.

SPEAKER_05 19:20

Sure. It was Steve Buscemi. Steve Buscemi was our professor. What's going on, kids? Hey, kid. Steve Buscemi was our professor and played spin the bottle with us.

SPEAKER_04 19:29

We like, what was it was actually kind of crazy. We stopped playing Spin the Bottle like halfway through and just started like.

SPEAKER_05 19:34

Yeah, it turned into less of a spin the bottle thing, and it was just 25 horny theater college students just getting an excuse to kiss each other.

SPEAKER_07 19:44

We take you now to a scene in which Steve Buscemi is playing. I don't know if this is an appropriate scene.

SPEAKER_01 19:52

Hey guys.

SPEAKER_05 19:54

Oh, we're uh we're playing spin the bottle. Is that what's going on here? Yeah. Steve, what are you doing? Well, I'm just hanging out with my college buds. Just enrolled the other week. Wanted to finish my degree. Really? I thought you were the janitor. I thought you were that was what I was doing to prepare for my next role, and then I realized I gotta get back into college. What do you get like a discount or something? No, I'm intuition.

SPEAKER_04 20:16

Oh, that's right. You are Steve Bishop. That's right. You're in a lot of Adam Sandler movies.

SPEAKER_06 20:21

I don't know if he should be here.

SPEAKER_04 20:23

I don't think so either. We're all 25, and I think he's 80. Yeah. I mean, I know that Jerry's into it. Right, Jerry? Yeah, dude. I love this guy.

SPEAKER_05 20:32

I hope the bottle point for me ever top where he spins it. Jerry wants to kiss me. I say we play. Let's play. Let's play. I guess we'll play. We can just kiss. I'll go first, right? And what do I do? I grab the bottle and I spin it like a top. Spin it like a spin it like a top like a top. There we go. Jerry. Oh my. Jerry, I do need to ask, actually, how old are you? Well, that depends on what year is it. I didn't like that answer, Jerry. I know I'm a bit being a bit of a creep right now, but I didn't like that answer.

SPEAKER_04 21:05

I don't like that answer either. What year is it?

SPEAKER_05 21:08

What year is it? Uh, I believe it's 2026.

SPEAKER_08 21:11

Oh, well, then I just happen to be the ripe old age of emotion.

SPEAKER_05 21:17

I think Jerry's the weird one here now.

unknown 21:20

Yeah, I think Jerry.

SPEAKER_05 21:21

I don't think you guys should be hanging out with Jerry. You know what? I think we're gonna replace Jerry with Steve.

SPEAKER_04 21:26

Steve. Steve! Steve! Guys, you know we listen We all get together and we kiss all the time. You know, is that true? Uh, you know, I don't even know how Jerry got in here. Well, you let me in. Did I? Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 21:39

I came to the city.

SPEAKER_04 21:39

I guess you're right. I did. I thought that this was going to be one of those parties and I thought this would be fun. I know he has no teeth, so well, I can put him in if that makes you more comfortable. I I that was the I would like that.

SPEAKER_05 21:51

You can pick the teeth in and I'll make a decision.

SPEAKER_04 21:54

He's got a nice smile, actually, with the men. It's a little too nice for me. Oh, I got grocer teeth. You want me to replace them? Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 22:04

Get over here, you vixen. Okay, we got out of there, and let's run away as fast as we can.

SPEAKER_04 22:13

That was a little you guys how you guys just paused for uh uh ads. Yeah, I don't think that's happening now.

SPEAKER_05 22:23

Thank you, HelloFresh, for your sponsorship. I learned something very important though, uh, and that is that I can't do a Steve Buscemi impression. You cannot. Nope. I don't even know. I didn't know where to start. I was really trying. Hey everybody. Nope. No.

SPEAKER_04 22:36

Impressions are hard. I could do I could do the main ones.

SPEAKER_05 22:40

I thought it was I thought it was kind of in the back of my head, but I can't I don't know. I don't even know what he was. Hey, can't you talk?

SPEAKER_06 22:46

It's like it's like in there.

SPEAKER_04 22:48

Nope. It's hard. That was a little bit like the guy, like the moon mare. I'll throw a lash out there. Pull it down for you. That was like Jimmy Stewart. Jimmy Stewart getting kissed at a thing would be funny. Don't we don't have to we could. Uh there's also another salt shaker over there, by the way. I don't know if you saw that. It may look like a rattle, but it's actually a salt shaker. You're not. You can hold it and pretend like you're a giant baby. Oh. I'm real close to shaking this salt shaker right now.

SPEAKER_05 23:15

Why? So, Chris. We find ourselves in a in a movie pitch room where they're trying to decide whether or not Jimmy Stewart bottle spinning is a good enough pitch for a movie. Can I like stop for who's Jimmy Stewart? He's the guy that says lash on bring it down for you, man.

SPEAKER_08 23:39

I don't want to die, Merr.

SPEAKER_04 23:41

Oh, dang. Here we go.

SPEAKER_05 23:42

Okay, well, I guess I everybody, I'm really excited about my new film.

SPEAKER_08 23:46

Yeah, it's your new film.

SPEAKER_05 23:48

Hey, we're glad that you're you're venturing into writing now, too.

SPEAKER_08 23:51

Yeah, that's good. Well, the problem is, is uh there's a whole lot of kissing in this film. Really?

SPEAKER_04 23:57

And I don't know why I'm gonna get kissed. You don't you don't want to get kissed? You wrote it that way.

SPEAKER_05 24:04

You wrote you wrote an entire you pitched an entire movie based on the concept of spin the bottle.

SPEAKER_08 24:10

I just when I was filming a wonderful life, I I realized I realized I didn't want to die, and I wanted to get kissed by a bunch of college kids.

SPEAKER_05 24:23

Did we is this appropriate? This is this what Jimmy Stewart is? Yeah, I guess so. I didn't know this about Jimmy Stewart.

SPEAKER_08 24:33

When I was pulling down the lasso on the moon, I just imagined it was a big old rupe from a college kid.

SPEAKER_05 24:43

I I feel like I'm in the wrong industry, is what I feel like. It's fun because I'm 23. I'm just old in because of the time period that I'm from. Oh, you just sound old.

SPEAKER_08 24:54

Yeah, I'm actually 20. I'm 23, but it's you just old. Oh, it sounds old.

SPEAKER_05 24:59

You know? Uh okay, here's my pitch for this movie, Jimmy. Um anything else. Anything.

SPEAKER_08 25:09

What if?

SPEAKER_05 25:10

Anything.

SPEAKER_08 25:10

Now now, what if what if? I'm sorry, I I had a stroke. So I'm sounding a little weird. Steve, could you could you come in?

SPEAKER_04 25:19

Yeah, you know what part you can play, Jimmy? Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 25:21

Baseball Jesus. Oh, oh, we've been sitting on a baseball Jesus script. Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 25:26

Let me read it.

SPEAKER_05 25:28

Alright, here you go. Okay. I wrote it.

SPEAKER_08 25:30

I'm just gonna turn it over to the street. Just read the character description. Okay. Baseball Jesus. You like the you like the stands, Mary? I'll throw a ball up there and pull it down for you. A bottle? I like that.

SPEAKER_04 25:44

Did we write bottle in this?

SPEAKER_08 25:45

I like that. No, it says ball.

SPEAKER_04 25:47

I just have a bad accent. Oh, the ball. Oh. Alright, alright, yeah. I tried to make the call back. I'm sorry. I thought I had a Jimmy. I thought I had him, and then I lost it.

SPEAKER_08 25:59

Why? You like the moon Mary? You like the moon marry? Throw a lash up here. You're putting too much of a twang.

SPEAKER_06 26:07

It's not a twang, it's just a big one. I don't know why I became a twangy.

unknown 26:10

I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 26:10

It was crazy. I don't know. I think it's because he was chasing after college kids. Yeah. So this is a podcast in which we bring on a comedian every week to help us figure out what's going on in that little little shaker shaker. Little shaker. This is a little shaker to you? What? This is a little shaker to you? Every hat company in existence would disagree that this is a little shaker. Do you think I'm talking about your brain or no? No. Yeah. I thought that we were talking about was my head. No. Not everything's about you, Chris.

SPEAKER_05 26:47

No, no, no. Well, I mean, some things are. But when we're talking about salt shakers, it's not. That was awesome. That was awesome.

SPEAKER_04 26:55

Thank you. I was talking about the concept of a shalt shaker, yeah. Yeah, okay. I'm just trying to figure it out. Um, you may have noticed that we transported into a scene there. We did a little goofy thing. If at any point during the rest of the episode you guys want to start another scene, just shake that little shalt shaker. I don't feel like I needed to just tell that anymore. Are you gonna Yeah, we forget?

SPEAKER_05 27:13

No, I'm just gonna shake it and then you transport us to a brand new scene.

SPEAKER_04 27:17

I should probably shake it in front of the microphone, right? I mean it was usually the idea. Probably a good idea. It'll be awkward. Yeah. Okay. Cool. Cool. I like that idea. Anyway, this is improv comedy 101. 101. No, I'm just kidding. So, Chris, we brought you here because you are a self-proclaimed comedian. Right. You've told Dan that you're a comedian. You said that you're funny.

SPEAKER_05 27:37

We used to do stand-up together.

SPEAKER_04 27:38

I did. We used to do open mics together. You did. Oh. We did for a while. So like the mic was free and you could just stand up. Yeah. Yep. That's pretty sad. Yeah. Open. That's awesome. That's cute. You generally concept. So you gotta buy food and stuff. So it's not really free.

SPEAKER_07 27:51

Are you the one that you did the national park thing with? Yep. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 27:55

Great bit. People still talk about that bit. We'll still talk about it at the open mic.

SPEAKER_05 27:59

We talk about that bit so people have. I haven't talked about this on the podcast. No, you haven't. I don't know that I have. The first time I ever went to an open mic here in Salt Lake City was at Wise Guys. I showed up and I hadn't really prepared anything. So I got up there. You have three minutes. And I just got up and I said, I don't have any jokes prepared, so instead I'm just going to name all 58 national parks in the United States, starting in Alaska. And I just started naming them. And people that shit. They loved it. They loved it. Could you do it again? Probably. Are there new ones, Dan? Yes, there's like five new ones since. Hey, go.

SPEAKER_04 28:35

Wait, you said you can do it in three minutes, right? Probably not anymore. All right. You have three minutes. We'll see if I can do it in four. Everybody listening, if you don't want to hear all the national parks, go ahead and skip four minutes ahead. If you want to hear Dan fuck up, just go ahead and stay. All right, Dan, you have four minutes starting in eight, seven, six, five, four, start in Alaska.

SPEAKER_05 28:57

Three, I'll start, yeah. Two one, four minute start. All right, in Alaska, there's Gates of the Arctic, Kobak Valley, Kenai Fjords, Katmai, Wrangle St. Elias, Glacier Bay, Kobuck Valley. I already said Kobuck Valley. Denali. Denali is the one that I didn't say in Alaska. Moving down to Hawaii, there's only two. It's Hawaii Volcanoes and Haleakala. There's also a national park in American Samoa, American Samoa, and U.S. Virgin Islands, which is called U.S. Virgin Islands National Park. Moving over to the Pacific Northwest. Washington has North Cascades, Olympic, and Mount Rainier. There's only one in Oregon. It's Crater Lake. California has the most by far. Well, it's only one more than Alaska has. It is Lassen Volcanic, Redwoods, Pinnacles is the is was the newest for a while. Sequoia, Kings Canyon, Death Valley. What am I forgetting in the middle of there? Joshua Tree Channel Islands. Did I say Death Valley? I think I said Death Valley. I don't know. I'm pretty sure I said Death Valley, which means I should have named all of the ones in California, but I feel like I'm forgetting one. That's too bad. I'll have to find out later. Okay, moving on. Nevada only has part of Death Valley and it has Great Basin. Idaho only has a sliver of Yellowstone, which is also in Wyoming and Montana. Montana also has glacier, and Wyoming also has Grand Teton. Which means tits. Yes, it means big tit. Big tit. Big tit. One tit. Just one tit. Then Utah has five, and for some reason these ones are hard for me. Even though I live here. I just always miss one. It's Canyonlands, Bryce Canyon, Arches, Zion, Capital Reef. Okay, got it. There you go. Sweet. Arizona has Petrified Forest, Grand Canyon, and Sahuaro. New Mexico has the newest one, which is White Sands. They also have Carlsbad Caverns, which I visited earlier this year. It was awesome. What else? What else? Colorado has four Black Canyon of the Gunnison, Mesa Verde, Rocky Mountain, and Great Sand Dunes.

SPEAKER_04 30:54

Colorado, you said? Mm-hmm. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 30:57

We're through all the states that have more than three, by the way. North Dakota has Theodore Roosevelt, North Unit and South Unit. You're welcome. South Dakota has Wind Cave and Badlands. And then from here on out, we've also made it. Nebraska is the uh westernmost state that doesn't have a national park. No national parks in Nebraska. No national parks in the past.

SPEAKER_04 31:19

They do have the College World Series there, though.

SPEAKER_05 31:21

They sure do, and that should have counted. Hi, am I right? Okay. And then moving on, there's Gateway Arch, which makes no sense. It shouldn't be a national park. National Park? It's Trump named it one in 2018, and I don't know why. What an idiot. Okay. And then uh Texas has Big Bend, Guadalupe Mountains, and Oh, they only have two. They only have two. It's been four minutes, hasn't it? Nope. It has been two and a half. Oh my gosh. Okay. No, I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. Okay. Minnesota has Voyagers. Um, Michigan has Isle Royale, which is the second least visited national park in the country. Um, Arkansas has Hot Springs, which is in the town of Hot Springs, but it actually is better than Gateway Arch. Okay, it doesn't matter. Uh let's see.

SPEAKER_07 32:08

50 seconds.

SPEAKER_05 32:10

Okay. Shenandoah, Cuyahoga Valley, Congaree, Acadia, Indiana Dunes. I almost missed Indiana Dunes. That's the second newest one. And then Florida has Congoree. No, no, no. Congoree was in South Carolina. It has dry tortugas, Everglades, Abiscane. I know I'm missing one. I know it. Where is it? It's on the East Coast. It is. And Mammoth Cave.

SPEAKER_04 32:46

Mammoth Cave? I think.

SPEAKER_07 32:52

Nine. That's seven. Six. Five. Four.

SPEAKER_04 32:56

Three. Two.

SPEAKER_07 32:58

One.

SPEAKER_04 32:59

You forgot about Antarctica. You know what's funny is that no one was counting while you were doing that whole thing. So you probably could have missed like 15.

SPEAKER_05 33:09

I I'm gonna go find out because I I have to know.

SPEAKER_04 33:12

Do you know the worst part about that? What? I uh I stood up halfway through because I was like, uh, this needs to be videoed because this will be a perfect YouTube short. We'll get put on the map from Dan's genius. Uh-huh. My camera had run out of storage. Nice. Nice. Right as he started.

SPEAKER_03 33:28

Lake Clark! I missed one in Alaska.

SPEAKER_04 33:32

Alright, you want to do it again, bud? Because I was like, this will be a perfect like four-minute short.

SPEAKER_06 33:40

And then it took me the entire time to get my phone cleared in storage so I can record it again.

SPEAKER_04 33:45

Dan, that was really impressive. Uh, those of you who skipped ahead too. I missed the newest one. I totally forgot. What's the newest one, Dan?

SPEAKER_05 33:50

New River Gorge in West Virginia. In West Virginia.

SPEAKER_04 33:52

That's it. I only missed two.

SPEAKER_05 33:54

That's pretty impressive. That is like genuinely impressive. I don't know why I can. I just memorized them all in high school. That's really cool. I just can. I name them all. I don't memorize things. So that just took four minutes of all of our lives.

SPEAKER_04 34:08

Memorizing. Oh, yeah. You should be memorizing my lines. And I'm not. Yeah, what are you doing on a show in two weeks? Two weeks, yeah. I'm playing dogberry and much to do about nothing at West Valley Arts. Very fun. Yeah, I'm very, very excited for it. It's awesome. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

SPEAKER_05 34:23

You're making fun of me.

SPEAKER_04 34:24

But I'm here doing this instead of uh memorizing my lines. So I should also be memorizing my lines for the showman, but I'm not. What show are you in? I'm doing a little uh little show.

SPEAKER_07 34:34

Little show at Desert Star where No, I was gonna do a show at Desert Star, but then I dropped out because I have a baby and it was really hard to manage a five-year-month-old with that.

SPEAKER_04 34:43

Now I'm going to Edinburgh Fringe Festival in August. Whoa. With a new work called Possess of the Musical. Honestly, you haven't talked about it much on the podcast. No, I haven't. Uh May 26th, 27th, and 28th at the theater, the Lehigh Theater. I don't know, just look at Possessive the Musical. You can come see me. Be a demon possessing a little boy. It's very funny. Wow. It's a funny musical. It's hilarious.

SPEAKER_07 35:10

The family of this little boy decides that he's better possessed than he was not possessed. Oh. And hilarity ensues. It's all full of like 2000s humor and stuff like that. That's awesome. But we're not here pitching what I'm doing. What do you do? You're doing West Valley's.

SPEAKER_04 35:26

Much do about nothing, excuse me. I'm playing Dogberry. It's May 14th, 15th, and 16th. It does say March. I'm gonna have to talk to them. Is it only three days? It's only a three day very short run.

SPEAKER_05 35:39

Oh, and it's gonna be a week after this airs.

SPEAKER_04 35:43

Yes. People don't like sh to go to Shakespeare plays, I guess. Yeah, it's unfortunate. It's really sad. I did a production of Midsummer's Night to Stream if you go to everybody. Yeah. I did I was uh I was uh bottom in that and in Twilla a few years ago. He played Oberon. Oh yeah. That was a lot of fun. And Joff, Joff Beckstrand, friend of the podcast. Friend of the podcast. He played Puck. Puck and he rode on my back. Of course he did. And it was glorious. He rode me like a steed. A steed. A stallion. My hair was shining in the hair in the sky. So last week we had a couple friends on the podcast. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_05 36:16

And we've already talked about.

SPEAKER_04 36:17

They gave us a word to describe salt. Okay. And honestly, this one has been befuddling me more than any word has befuddled me.

SPEAKER_05 36:25

Has it? I thought you figured it out pretty quick there. Yeah, I did, but then it hurt me. We were wondering if you could help us figure out what these guests meant by this lovely word that they provided us to describe salt with. And that word is Starring Angelina Jolie. Starring Angelina Jolie. Excuse me, excuse me, you've pronounced it slightly wrong, I believe, as provided. Starring Angelina Jolie.

SPEAKER_04 36:51

Starring Angelina Jolie. That's it. You got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, your enunciation had to be right. So that's that's the word. Why did they say that? Just think about it. No, no, don't tell them. You gotta think about it. You gotta think about it. You gotta think about it. Uh if you were a fan of the podcast, you would have known that last week when this.

SPEAKER_05 37:09

Derek last week had this about the same reaction you're having right now of just like, what? Uh why don't you do us a favor and start naming some Angelina Jolie movies? Uh Black Widow? Is she in Black Widow? I don't think you're thinking of the right person. I think you're thinking of Scarlett Johanneson.

SPEAKER_04 37:28

Scarlett Johanneson. This is not Scarlett. Wait, tell tell me who's Angelina Jolie. Angelina Jolie. Uh she dated Will Smith in that one movie when they killed each other. When they killed each other? Nope. I think I'm very wrong.

SPEAKER_05 37:41

Are you trying to say Mr. and Mrs. Smith? That was Brad Pitt.

SPEAKER_04 37:45

Brad Pitt. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 37:46

Wait, that is Angelina Jolie, though? I don't think any of us know anything about movies. I don't know. I'm having a hard time. Brad and Angelina. Brangelina. They were the original power couple of the 21st century.

SPEAKER_04 37:56

Yeah, at least show me a picture of Angelina Jolie.

SPEAKER_05 37:58

Pulling her up. We're pulling her up. That's Angelina Jolie right there. There she is.

SPEAKER_04 38:05

Oh.

SPEAKER_05 38:06

Is she like in Devil Earth's Prada or something like that? No.

SPEAKER_04 38:10

This list is called the most tragic details about Angelina Jolie's life. Would you like us to go through those? Sure.

SPEAKER_05 38:16

Yeah, will that help you figure out why?

SPEAKER_04 38:17

Maybe. She always felt like an outsider. Good for her. Same dude. Her emotional struggles led to self-harm. Oh, that's great. That's not funny at all. It's not funny at all. She had a tumultuous relationship with her father. Man, I am relating to Angelina Jolie so hard right now. She was crucified by the meaning of the children.

SPEAKER_03 38:33

She was crucified. Angelina Jolie was crucified? How do we not know this? She died for all of our baseball sins. Oh no, this is sad, guys.

SPEAKER_05 38:48

We bring our we find ourselves at a nativity scene for baseball Christmas where Angelina Jolie is symbolically being placed on a cross. Oh. We show we watch her sacrifice such a beautiful woman. That's m that's my daughter up there being Angelina Jolie. Angelina? Why are you doing this to your daughter? It's been a well-known baseball Christmas tradition for ten years now that uh the most fitting daughter in the community gets to be Angelina Jolie and placed on a cross and crucified. Yeah, but you know they actually die, right? Oh well well, okay. If we want to talk about just the cons, then we can talk about just the cons.

SPEAKER_03 39:38

You're doing great, sweetie.

SPEAKER_04 39:41

Oh, here comes the guy.

SPEAKER_03 39:42

You're doing great!

SPEAKER_04 39:43

Here comes the ref holding the freaking baseballs that they throw at her while she's up there.

SPEAKER_02 39:47

Baseballs!

SPEAKER_04 39:48

Get your baseballs! Oh, Jesus. Three dollars! Throw it right at her face. I'll have a baseball. Oh, you want a baseball? Three dollars. Thank you. Thank you. Okay. Thank you.

SPEAKER_07 39:57

Would you like a baseball, sir? Baseball. Yeah. I'm sorry. I was told to sing the baseball hymns. We'll get to that in a minute.

SPEAKER_05 40:05

But now is the basics. Now we're throwing baseballs at my daughter.

SPEAKER_04 40:10

My deserving daughter. I'm so sorry. That's okay. That's okay. Continue with your service and I'll take a baseball.

SPEAKER_05 40:17

All right, honey, I'm throwing this baseball at you now. Thanks. Don't try to block it.

SPEAKER_03 40:23

You can't. Your arms are. They actually nailed me to the cross. Yeah. This one, this one is for accidentally stealing second base up 15 runs. Babe Ruth is my favorite candy bar. Oh. Oh. Oh. Yes. Yes. Continue. Continue. Everyone in the community. Throw baseballs at my daughter. This one is for thinking that Babe Ruth is the biggest, greatest baseball player ever played, even though he played before black people were allowed to. This one's for cheering for the Padres.

SPEAKER_01 40:52

I don't care if she ever comes back here.

SPEAKER_03 40:55

This one's cheer for cheering for the Dodgers.

unknown 40:57

Cheering for the baseball.

SPEAKER_05 40:58

The two opposite sides of the baseball sin spectrum. Cheering for the Dodgers and cheering for the Padres.

SPEAKER_04 41:04

This one is for being left-handed and playing shortstop.

SPEAKER_01 41:06

Three times out at the old Cursusa fiction.

SPEAKER_04 41:16

Thank you. You know, I don't think I'm going to show my dad this episode.

SPEAKER_05 41:22

You know, I've yet to show my parents a single.

SPEAKER_04 41:26

I actually I've had that thought many times. There's like maybe four episodes of this that are like so clean that I'm like, my mom could definitely listen to this. But she doesn't. My mom can't because she's dead. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 41:40

Nice.

SPEAKER_04 41:43

That was sick, dude. She actually did pass away about 18 months ago. Yeah. Oh my god. Very recently. Fairly recently, yeah. Fairly recently. I'm so sorry for your loss. That's okay, thank you. I appreciate that. You doing okay? Yeah, I think so. That's great. Yeah. Uh grief is a powerful thing. Yeah. Grief is a very powerful thing.

SPEAKER_05 41:58

We were just talking about a grief episode. I actually had a pot grief podcast.

SPEAKER_04 42:03

You should check out this podcast. I actually was gonna say something, but I didn't know how to like say anything. That you're like sad. Yeah, yeah. Um, you're sad too. Oh my god. Really sad. That actually happens though when you like meet someone who's like gone through a traumatic event.

SPEAKER_07 42:16

I so I just went on a podcast, it will it will go up in about five weeks or so, um, called the 1090, which is a podcast about how 10% of life is the bad things that happen to us, and 90% of life is how you cope, how you move on from it.

SPEAKER_04 42:31

Fair enough. Um, the guy who runs it, he lost his wife and his two daughters, uh, or his two kids, sorry, and his brother and his nephew in one car accident.

SPEAKER_07 42:42

Wow. Oh my gosh. Wow.

SPEAKER_04 42:43

And so he turned, his name's Mason, incredible man. He he went and started this podcast. Now they have hundreds of episodes where they just bring on someone who's gone through profound loss, talk to him, and discuss it. Anyway, I went on it because I have had profound loss in my life. I lost my brother when I was 18. Um, and so I went on and talked about that. It was beautiful. How old are you now? I am 31. 31. Wow. Once you pass 30, you kind of forget. Yeah, dude. No, it's crazy. Yeah, so uh anyway, anyone who's dealt with loss or anyone who wants to hear about other people dealing with grief and loss should go listen to that podcast. It was really, really good.

SPEAKER_07 43:19

And keep an eye out for my episode when it drops. I divulge so much information about my life. I just kind of went for it and I was like, shit. Yeah, shouldn't have said those things. That's okay. I actually just messaged him and I was like, hey, can I listen back to a couple of those sections, make sure that it's okay. Yeah. Um, yeah, that was like I plugged this podcast when I was on there. Nice. I was like, hey, guess what? I do an improv thing.

SPEAKER_04 43:42

Yeah, yeah, it was cool. Yeah, I never know how to like tell people that. It's tough. It really is. I usually do it with comedy. Yeah. Like you just did it, where you're like, Yeah, so my mom's dead. Yeah. But I do that all the time. Like people are like talking about something, and I'm like, Yes, yeah, my brother's dead. Yeah, it's it's a really it's a really, really good way to like Icebreaker. Yeah, really, it is. Really, it is. Well, it's not. And it usually makes cope. It's a coping mechanism. Yeah, for sure. Copium is real. It really is.

SPEAKER_07 44:09

What doesn't kill us makes us have a dark sense of humor and uh horrible coping mechanisms. Right.

SPEAKER_04 44:15

Right. And thousands of dollars in therapy bills. Dude, therapy. It's awesome. It's awesome, but like it makes me more depressed. Anyway, so this is a comedy podcast. Guys, I'm not gonna lie, when I was scrolling through the bad things that have happened to Angelina Jolie and you had already started the scene, they just progressively got worse. Really? She's had a really bad life. Really? I still don't know a single movie she was in.

SPEAKER_01 44:40

Oh, that's what we were doing.

SPEAKER_04 44:42

Should we just cut to the chase? No. No. I think that actually is a perfect when now I'm thinking about it, is that's a perfect way to describe salt.

SPEAKER_05 44:50

Starring Angelina Jolie? Yeah, no, I really do.

SPEAKER_04 44:53

Because it's prevalent and it's so it's in everything, but it's in nothing.

SPEAKER_02 44:59

So she was in the movie. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_05 45:00

Hey, are you listening to this? Laura Cross. That was just a very insightful way to describe the word that we had not even discussed last week.

SPEAKER_04 45:08

Chris is like a really smart guy. I try. I was scrolling through uh the discog response. Well, I mean, look at this fucking thing. That's it, gone in 60 seconds, right? Is that the right thing? Yeah, gone in 60 seconds. Yeah, that's the wolf. Kung Fu Panda 3. Kung Fu fucking panda. That was she was in Beowulf? She was Tomb Raider in T.

SPEAKER_02 45:26

She was in Mulan.

SPEAKER_04 45:27

Wait, did I say that right? No, she wasn't in Mulan. That's not Mulan. I've got really bad eyes. I'm not gonna get over here. I'm not gonna I'm not gonna dug my.

SPEAKER_03 45:36

Was she in Shrek?

SPEAKER_04 45:37

You know, the funniest thing about this is I can't Shark Tail? I cannot find the reason that that. Yeah, where is it? Is it not even there? This is really funny. That's kind of funny. We're gonna head to her IMDB page. Yeah, because she's like in everything, but like also in nothing. Yeah. Well, she was molested.

SPEAKER_05 45:56

Shark.

SPEAKER_04 45:57

You can't even tell, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 45:58

You guys remember Shark Tale?

SPEAKER_04 45:59

But if she's not in it, yeah, that movie's horrible, by the way. Shark Tale? Yeah, have you what there's like this big, huge long uh uh what do they call it, video essay about it. Oh yeah. The uh the animation's pretty terrible. It is. The story is weird. Story's pretty bad. Yeah. I actually feel like I watched this.

SPEAKER_05 46:16

Okay, so it's on the screen now. Okay. There's a movie that she's in. Okay, you went away from it. Salt.

SPEAKER_04 46:26

Salt. Oh my god, Brandon. Oh my that's exactly what they discussed it together.

SPEAKER_05 46:34

Jeez, they decided it together.

SPEAKER_04 46:35

Oh Christ, dude.

SPEAKER_05 46:36

That's uh so yeah. And last week, Derek here was having the same reaction that you were at one point of just like, okay, they're just trying to be random and goofy. And he was like, Alright, let's let's explore this, I guess. Alright, what's the first thing I think of when I think of starring Angelina Jolie? I think of the movie Salt.

SPEAKER_03 46:57

Oh! It was the first movie he thought of. It was the first one.

SPEAKER_05 47:02

Really?

SPEAKER_04 47:03

I didn't what is Salt about? It's like a lady who shoots people.

SPEAKER_05 47:06

Yes, yeah, it's like a it's like a spy thriller. It's like a spy thriller that's like multiple endings. Huh. Yeah. That's all I've never seen. I don't think I've ever seen it. Derek has never seen it either. It's the first movie that we both thought of.

SPEAKER_04 47:18

What did you think of that first, though? That's weird. I always wanted to see it because I thought she was cute.

SPEAKER_05 47:23

It was a big it was a big deal when it came out. I think it sucks. When did it come out? I want to say 2013. 2013. No, it was before that. 2010. 2010.

SPEAKER_04 47:33

It was way before COVID, dude. 2013. 13 years before it happened. It was like nine years after 9-11, though. Wow.

SPEAKER_05 47:41

It was closer to 9-11 than it was to COVID. Wow, imagine.

SPEAKER_04 47:47

Oh, fuck, she was in uh The Tourist and Wanted. Tomb Raider. Tomb Raider. Lara Kropp's. She had deadass. She did have that ass. Did you ever play those games? Dude, yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I love those boxes, bruh. I dude. That was the first thing that I uh boobies. Yeah, boobies. Boobs are awesome. They're pretty great.

SPEAKER_05 48:09

I was look- Is this what the rest of the podcast is gonna be about? About boobs?

SPEAKER_04 48:12

I was watching this video with boobs in it. Have you heard of the YouTuber Elephants in Rooms? No.

SPEAKER_05 48:19

Is it a porn YouTube channel?

SPEAKER_04 48:20

No. Do they have those? I thought it was terms of service. You couldn't do that.

SPEAKER_06 48:25

Excitement.

SPEAKER_07 48:26

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_04 48:28

They don't have to go to the hub.

SPEAKER_08 48:29

They just got it on the YouTube. I'll pay for that one.

SPEAKER_04 48:32

I don't gotta turn on a VPN. I don't gotta pretend like I'm in one of the liberal states so I can see some pornography. Oh my god. No, this guy on YouTube, his channel's called Elephants in Rooms, and he like researches these like uncomfortable topics to talk about, like school shootings or like like really awkward things that people just don't like to talk about. And he gets like the facts and he just like lays them out. One of the things he talks about is boobs. And he's like, Why do men find boobs so attractive? Why not? But that's the thing, like have you ever thought about it? It's just a couple masses, there's just a couple masses of fact. Some nip. We listen, we did a 25 minute We did a 25 minute little fake improv scene about baseball. Yeah. We play with sticks and balls, and that's fun. Yeah. Oh, you're right. So we can play with boobs, it's just as fun. But like the fascination with penises isn't the same as the fascination with boobs.

SPEAKER_05 49:33

I beg to differ.

SPEAKER_04 49:34

I beg to differ. I mean, like, a penis is fascinating. Don't get me wrong. But like crazy. They're insane. But if I look at a pair of boobs, it's just like significantly more pleasing. You know. It's probably because. Should we cut this? No. No. We're not saying anything. This is great. That's true. I also love asses. Does that matter? You know what you sound like? A pervert? A straight man. Yeah. Are you straight? I've been I'm definitely like on the on the like the straighter end of the spectrum. The straighter end of the spectrum. Okay. Yeah, but that's I think 90% because I've been married to a woman for 13 years. Uh-huh. 13, wow. So yeah, I got married. Sounds so young. Nope, 12. 12. I lied. How young were you when you got married? 21? I just barely turned 19. Wow. Yeah. Same woman. Just had a baby. Congratulations. Thanks. She's beautiful and I love her very much. Both the baby and the mom. That's awesome. Oh, you're happy. I should have named my daughter starring Angelina Julian. You know, this crazy thing has happened now that.

SPEAKER_05 50:38

And now you know for the next one.

SPEAKER_06 50:41

Well, anyway, um, so this crazy thing has happened where I'm not sad anymore.

SPEAKER_04 50:46

I used to be like I used to be depressed like all the time, but now that I have a baby and I have like purpose.

SPEAKER_05 50:51

Look, we've talked. We've talked about this before. The just the difference between you and the day that you told me you were gonna have a baby is so weird to think about. Is it? Yeah. I don't remember. We were playing disc golf at Dragonfly. Okay. And we were just in the middle of a hole. We were like six holes in. We were just having like a normal day playing disc golf. Halfway through the hole, you were just like, I'm having a baby. And I was like, huh? I do remember you being more excited than I was. And and I was like, yeah, well, that was the thing. Immediately, my very first reaction was, are you like very purposefully like being subdued right now? And you were just like, Yeah, I don't know, I don't know how to feel about it yet. And I was like, okay.

SPEAKER_04 51:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 51:40

I mean, that's okay.

SPEAKER_04 51:41

I was terrified, yeah. I can imagine. I didn't want a kid. I had bad experiences growing up, so I was like, I don't really just don't want a kid.

SPEAKER_05 51:48

And then now you had a kid, and immediately you were like, This is everything I ever want.

SPEAKER_04 51:54

No, seriously. And now I'm like, I want six of them. I want them six. No, we're not. We're maybe one. Like maybe one. This is the year of our Lord 2026. Yeah. I'm not gonna have six kids. Okay. At very, very most two. Right. Very, very most two. Pregnancy was really hard on my wife. So it's gonna be as it is, because it's kind of insane. Insane. And the women's health care is horrible. Absolute dog shit. Yeah, horrible. My wife almost died giving birth to her child. God damn it. It was insane. Anyway. 12 hours after we recorded two episodes of this podcast. Really? Literally 12 hours. I was in the hospital room, and then my wife got rushed into an emergency. Two weeks early.

SPEAKER_05 52:32

We were not planning on we were gonna try to take off the time that it was actually gonna happen. Yeah, it was insane. Yeah, I texted Dan the next day and was like, hey, uh We gotta cancel tonight's episode.

SPEAKER_04 52:42

We gotta cancel tonight's episode. Kind of crazy. That's crazy. Is your kid talking? She she just barely started saying dad dah. Did she? Yeah, she goes.

SPEAKER_01 52:52

No. Hate that.

SPEAKER_04 52:53

Yeah. But it's like it's like she's just like repeating the syllables right now.

SPEAKER_01 52:56

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 52:57

But I I don't know if this is necessarily true or a confirmation bias, but it seems like she does it when I'm around more. That's cool. It's awesome, and I cry a lot. And I would too. I don't want her to grow old. You know? She's so perfect right now. You know, when you say you're happy when you have a kid, I'm happier now that I'm going to the gym more often. Is that the same thing? It's like a parallel, right? It's like the same thing. Yeah, I think that's the same thing. I don't feel like dog shit all the time. And so I'm like, I think I should go to the gym because if I combine those two together. Gym and baby? Jim Baby. Jim Baby. Jim Baby. Baby. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 53:35

So, okay. It's like a puff baby at the gym. Okay, you have a baby, you go to the gym. Yeah. I'm going to start doing both. You're going to have a baby and go to the gym and I'm going to see what happens.

SPEAKER_04 53:49

See if the ray of sunshine is just explodes out of your body. I would love to see you as a dad. I feel like you'd be a really good dad. I think that you'd be a really good dad too.

SPEAKER_05 53:58

I'm not going to lie to you guys. I would kick ass as a dad. I love that. I would I'm I'm really good with kids in a very specific way. Not in the not, I don't know, like kids just like just chilling with me. Yeah. Yeah. They're just like, they don't, they just want to be normal adults around me. Yeah. That's what kids do. When I worked at the city. I'm gonna go wake up my daughter. When you're assuming that's like age two to high school. Like little kids, like my my cousins' little kids, yeah, they all just like just chill with me and hang out with everything. And then and then I worked at a school for troubled teens, and I they were just if they were with me, they were just I was just like one of one of the one of the dudes, one of the friends.

SPEAKER_04 54:47

Did you have like uh you know how like dogs you can plug those things into the wall that release a hormone that calm them down?

SPEAKER_05 54:54

Yeah, do you? No, is that a thing?

SPEAKER_04 54:56

Yeah, I have some plugged upstairs.

SPEAKER_05 54:58

You too?

SPEAKER_04 54:58

Yeah. Is that why I'm so calm here? I think yeah, because you're a dog and you love dog pheromones.

SPEAKER_05 55:04

I do not know this is a thing.

SPEAKER_04 55:05

And that's why kids get calm around you, because you're a dog. Because I'm a dog. We take you now to a school for troubled teens where their main counselor is a guy who's secretly a dog.

SPEAKER_05 55:15

Okay, another day doing the easiest job in the entire world. I don't even have to try. I just have to walk in. Hey, Mr.

SPEAKER_06 55:24

Schmidters. Yeah. I may have gone into trouble because I beat up the other kids.

SPEAKER_05 55:30

Hey, hey, British kid.

SPEAKER_06 55:33

You you don't have to beat up kids to feel good about yourself, do you? Uh, you're the only teacher who can just refer to be my my accent and I feel like I'm sane.

SPEAKER_05 55:42

I don't even have to learn your name.

SPEAKER_06 55:44

That's how easy this job is. Can I just sit next to you and play on my Nintendo DS?

SPEAKER_05 55:48

I guess so. Give it a shot. Try it, see if it makes you feel better. Okay, I'm gonna play. Teacher. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 55:54

This guy punched me in the face and called me slurs.

SPEAKER_05 55:57

I mean, I mean, hey, hey. Did he's making fun of my speech impediment. Did did you did you just because he's British doesn't mean that everything's a slur. Yeah, it's fucking colonizer. Yeah, okay, okay. Yeah. See? You know what? That's how easy this job is. I can just repeat what you just said and you'll just think about it. Oh what's up?

SPEAKER_06 56:23

Hello, I've got a delivery here. At the school Sparky?

SPEAKER_08 56:29

Woof!

SPEAKER_06 56:31

Oh, who woofed? Are you Sparky?

SPEAKER_05 56:33

Woof.

SPEAKER_06 56:34

Oh. Okay. That's not what I expected at all.

SPEAKER_05 56:38

I'm allowed to have a dog at the school. It's it's the easiest job in the world.

SPEAKER_06 56:41

I got a little cupcakes for you, I think.

SPEAKER_07 56:43

Woof.

SPEAKER_06 56:44

Alright, leave five stars, please.

SPEAKER_04 56:46

We'll do.

SPEAKER_06 56:46

Thanks, bye.

SPEAKER_04 56:47

Yeah, I see you later.

SPEAKER_06 56:49

Alright. Wow. How many dogs are at the school?

SPEAKER_04 56:52

Just the just the one.

SPEAKER_06 56:53

Just sparky. Sparky. You're so cool.

SPEAKER_05 56:55

Yeah, I could talk too. That's one of the reasons that this job is so easy for me, is there's a dog in my room.

SPEAKER_06 57:00

Parent teacher conferences are coming up, and I'm really nervous. You're gonna tell them about me punching all those kids.

SPEAKER_04 57:05

Yeah, well, I fucking do. Hope you do, you goddamn colonized.

SPEAKER_05 57:08

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, let's keep this job easy for me, okay? Let's keep this job easy for me. I gotta tell you kids, I'm really nervous about parent teacher conferences. Why? Because you gotta work an extra four hours on Tuesday. Mostly just because I'm great with kids, but adults hate me. They just hate me. Yeah, I wonder fucking why. What does that mean? Do you know why?

SPEAKER_04 57:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 57:34

Yeah? Yeah. Why do they hate me so much? I've heard that.

SPEAKER_04 57:37

Because you're so cool with us, and we can just be ourselves around you.

SPEAKER_05 57:40

Oh, you're voting me for being British. And I'm okay with you being British. Yeah. And most adults really hate you.

SPEAKER_04 57:49

You're learning. We take you now later to parent teacher conferences where the teacher is sitting down with the two dads of those kids. Okay. Hi, Mr. Johnson. How are you? I'm Mr. Thompson. How's it going? Great, great. Fucking colonize it. God pieces you.

SPEAKER_06 58:02

Well now that I see where his son gets it from. You allow this in your school. Okay, okay. Allow this in our school. What? Okay.

SPEAKER_05 58:11

What smells like wet dog in here? Why does it smell like wet dog in here? There's a dog. There's a dog. I also have a plug-in in the wall. I have a plug-in in the wall that smells like wet dog to make the dog feel more comfortable, okay? It makes me feel more comfortable, all right?

SPEAKER_04 58:24

You're not a dog, you're just a little wanker. Hey.

SPEAKER_07 58:33

Ah. The sultry sounds of improv.

SPEAKER_04 58:36

That was good. That was good. Very, very good. I like that. I miss doing improv. It's fun. It is so much fun. It is so much fun.

SPEAKER_05 58:42

It is. I need, I need to, I need to do more. I want to do more too. I need to do more. Do you know who I want to do more with? Who? Paul F. Tompkins. Wait, let me check and make sure the camera is podcast. Come on the podcast, Paul. Derek's checking the camera to make sure that you can see me looking into your eyes. Oh, everything's falling. Come here. Come here. No, no, no. Paul, this is we can They just broke the table. We promise. If you, Paul F. Tompkins, come on the podcast, we will give you every bit of energy that you see happening behind us now. If you come on the podcast, he's he's he's Paul F. Tom Paul F. Tompkins is a comedian and improviser based in LA. Uh and he's been on a lot of podcasts. Like most podcasts.

SPEAKER_08 59:39

It's broken. It's broken.

SPEAKER_05 59:41

What is broken? The table. The table. Yeah, oh you don't say.

SPEAKER_04 59:45

My table, it's broke. Everything is falling off the ground.

SPEAKER_05 59:48

So, Paul, Paul, um uh uh if you come on the podcast, we will pay for your lodging if you want to come to Utah to do it. If you don't want to, I understand. I have listened to an episode of a live podcast you did in Utah where you made fun of Utah a lot.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:07

So we're totally and we don't break our podcast. But but it would be cool. You can sleep in my house.

SPEAKER_05 1:00:17

I really feel like we should not be doing that. Do you know this guy? No, no.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:20

You ever seen uh Bo Jack Horseman? Yes, I've seen Bo Jack's. He's Mr. PSG Peanut Butter. Oh. I thought I've seen that name before. Sad dog.

SPEAKER_07 1:00:28

Sad dog.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:29

You know, guys, I was gonna say something. This table has been wobble the fucker around the whole time. Why don't you use this table, which is a whole ass wood table that was built to be a fucking table and not this this whatever you want to call this. Yeah, I actually think we're just gonna move the whole podcast just to be on that table. Just to be on this table. I think that's the way. Put all this shit behind.

SPEAKER_05 1:00:49

You don't even have to wait, okay. Yeah, give us an give us some interior decorating this. This is cool.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:56

I I mean You gotta describe it though for the other one. Why isn't the Psyduck on? Oh, it's broken. It's broken, okay. So that's not cool, I guess. So we've got um the map in Middle Earth here. Is it a Psyduck? I don't even know. Garfield just hanging on the wall. You've got the thing posters that was horrible, his other podcast, and the alien posters. Okay, so you stable is so broken for the code.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:20

Which so which are the which things which things should we keep?

SPEAKER_04 1:01:22

Which things I like the video games and the the mash box set. That's pretty cool.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:28

Yeah, Debbie. Yeah, Paul F. Tompkins, you know. Paul Fompins is a good thing. We know you love video games, Paul. Come on, the podcast.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:37

I'm just not privy to be part of the Paul F. Tompkins.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:42

It's not even we're just trying to get Paul F. Tompkins on the podcast. We it we feel like if we ask for him to come on enough, and if I break the table enough. And if we point out the fact that he's been on probably more podcasts than anyone in existence, and he this is just another one to add to the list. Yep.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:58

You know, Paul, I've been here, I have I have experience here, and I would say they're very good. They're very, very good. That's two thumbs up from Chris James. That's two thumbs up from me. You should come on this podcast, and you could sit here in this chair. Or just on Zoom, because that's also an option. Zoom would be cool.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:16

If you don't want to come to Utah, I wonder what his rate is. I bet you it's way more than you think it is. I mean, probably, but again, he's been on so many podcasts. Probably because they pay really well. He's been on podcasts that don't have a ton of listeners. Like I don't know.

SPEAKER_07 1:02:31

He recently just wanted a podcast that had like the same amount of listeners as us.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:35

He's just like he's just that cool guy. He just he just likes being on podcasts.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:39

He just likes talking to people.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:40

I guess.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:40

So we'll call it, and you just call him. I think once once we swap our table, and the table doesn't break on video.

SPEAKER_06 1:02:48

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:51

Could we try something? Can we try something? Yeah, I know you don't know anything about Paul of Tompickers except that he plays Mr. Peanut Butter on Bo Jack Horse. Could you could you could we do a role play really fast? Yeah and you be Paul and we call him and we just test that out and see what happens.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:04

I'm nervous. Yeah, okay. Okay, okay. I got his number here. Should we just put it on speaker? Okay. I'm gonna put it down here. All right.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:10

Mr. Peanut Butter.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:12

Hello?

SPEAKER_05 1:03:13

Paul. Paul! Mr. Tompkins. Mr. F.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:16

Should we call you Paul or PFT? You uh how'd you get this number? Oh, I found it on Instagram. Instagram? Instagram. My phone number's on Instagram. That's nice. You should look into that. I should probably look into that. I need to go talk to Verizon and get a new phone number probably right as soon as I hang up here. Yes. What can I do for you guys? Interesting. You're going through Verizon. Oh, dude, don't, don't you? Why is that interesting? No, no, it's fine. It's fine. Anyway, everybody's going more towards like the Google phone.

SPEAKER_05 1:03:42

It's fine, it's fine, it's fine. Hey, don't insult Paul. Insult Paul. Don't insult Paul.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:46

Wait, no, seriously, wait, no, I need some consistent advice. Where should I go? Mint mobile? Mint mobile. The Ryan Reynolds one? Yeah, I think that's one. It's gotta be worth something. Ryan Reynolds is in charge of it, Mr. Tompkins. Okay. Paul's got a point. He's got a point. It's cheaper, I guess. Yeah, like you don't. I think you just pay for like a block of time and really. So it's like a track phone. Like minutes? I think you just pay minutes. But it's like a track phone, but it's like an iPhone. Do you have a top five that you have to? I go through Google Fi. Google Fi. Yeah. What's that? It's like the Google's phone service, man. It's really good. Really? Yeah, actually, good quality.

SPEAKER_07 1:04:22

Oh, really? Yeah. Okay. Maybe I'll do that.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:24

Yeah, you can get it. You know, maybe I'll do that and yeah, okay. Anyways, how the fuck did what are you guys calling me? That's right. That's right. Oh, right. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 1:04:30

Okay. Paul, Paul, uh, so we we are we are um entrepreneurs. Is that are we entrepreneurs? Entrepreneurs. What do you say? Sorry, I'm so nervous. What are you selling?

SPEAKER_04 1:04:38

I'm so nervous. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're trying to sell you. I mean, wait, no.

SPEAKER_05 1:04:45

We're trying to sell the concept of you. We're trying to sell you. Paul, we see big plans in your face. Come to my house.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:52

Really?

SPEAKER_05 1:04:52

Big big plans. Stay in my basement.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:55

I have so many board games.

SPEAKER_05 1:04:56

We want you to sleep on Derek's board game. You can sleep in my house. You can sleep on my bed. On your bed. On his bed? Maybe not. I don't know if I can't. He can stay in the bed or not be in the bed. It doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:07

You mean my baby? You can give my baby a kiss on the forehead like kings do? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Give me a lipstick. Guys, what's this? Baby King kiss? Oh, we have a podcast. Oh, yeah, sure. Oh. Oh. Wait, is this pretty easy? Yeah. Do we even need to like offer you anything? I mean, my rate is$25,000. Could you do that? Jesus Christ. Okay, so here's the thing, Paul. Paul, can we place you on a quick hold?

SPEAKER_05 1:05:32

Yeah, sure. Mr.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:34

Peanut butter.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:35

Keep doing that, Derek. I'm just gonna have a one-sided conversation with you. Okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:40

Peanut butter.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:41

I don't know. Peanut butter.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:43

I don't know if we have the money. I mean, I just paid my taxes. I just paid$18,000 in taxes. I can't fucking do that shit. You paid$18,000?$18,000? Well, I paid$12,000 in taxes, yeah.$12,000 in taxes? And you don't have$25,000? Well, I'm in crippling debt because I paid$12,000. I think he could just Paul could hear everything you said while you weren't singing.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:07

But maybe he'll feel bad for me because he can hear this now. He can hear this now again.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:11

Um, I'm gonna continue having a one-sided conversation with you. Hello? Okay, forwarded to an automated voice system.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:24

Derek, no! We're gonna lose him! He's gonna hang up! I'm not gonna hang up. No, he's gonna hang up with the microphone. Wait, no, no, no. Is it a bit mobile thing?

SPEAKER_04 1:06:31

What's going on? We called him!

SPEAKER_03 1:06:33

Why would you leave a message?

SPEAKER_04 1:06:36

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Jake. My these guys are arguing off the phone. I don't even know how they got my number.

unknown 1:06:41

Derek, what's happening?

SPEAKER_04 1:06:45

Now he's singing pulse music. I can't make this money.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:49

How did you ching it?

SPEAKER_04 1:06:51

Okay, I'm gonna get a gambit. I have a gambit. Derek.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:57

Derek, Derek, Derek, stop singing, stop singing. I have a final gambit. It's our last chance to get Paul on the podcast.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:04

Paul? Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:07:11

What would you say to getting crucified for baseball Christmas? Oh.

SPEAKER_07 1:07:23

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_05 1:07:27

Derek, we got some important stuff that we haven't gotten to yet. No, we need that. We need to finish the podcast. We have to finish the podcast. There's another segment we gotta do. Yeah, yeah. No, we're not done having the worst. There's still another thing we gotta do.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:39

This podcast's not coming out, is it? No, it's gonna release on Thursday. Um, okay. Chris Chamberlain. James. James Chamberlain. I'm related to uh I'm related to LeBron and Jabba Chamberlain.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:57

So that was a okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:01

That was a very good one. What about Mr. Cameron? James Cameron? Chris. Okay. Stupid.

SPEAKER_05 1:08:08

Alright, we're moving on. I think it's time, Dan. I think it's time. It's time for the final segment of the podcast. Okay. Chris, if you would be so kind, please step up to our sodium podium.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:25

You don't have to look around and try to pretend.

SPEAKER_05 1:08:27

Okay, I was stepping up. There we go. Yeah, there we go. And if you would be so kind, in one word or less, describe salt. Dry. Dry. The word is dry. Alright, moving away from salt, dry, the first thing that dry makes me think of is dry ice. I don't know why. I don't know why.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:51

I I I see that. See, I instantly went to like when you sprinkle salt on the ground for the snow. Yeah. Uh-huh. For dry? I've actually been thinking about this for a really long time. Oh, have you? Yeah. Before what we're doing. When Josh told me about this podcast and this concept describes salt, I've been thinking about how I would describe salt. And dry makes the most amount of sense to me.

SPEAKER_05 1:09:15

You know what's crazy is we're now 30 episodes in, and no one has said the word, the two words that I would use.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:23

Really? What are the words you'd use for them? I can't say them until you can't. He's actually contractually obligated not to say them. Really? Yeah. You guys have a contract? Yeah. Paula Tompkins sealed and approved it. Oh, really? He just doesn't know yet. How many episodes did you guys sign for? Like 1,500? I did 793. I think you did eight. You only did 793.

SPEAKER_05 1:09:43

What the hell am I gonna do for the last like for the last like 21?

SPEAKER_04 1:09:47

21 episodes.

SPEAKER_07 1:09:49

Guess you'll figure that out, won't you?

SPEAKER_05 1:09:51

Okay. Well, time's ticking, so I guess I have to start thinking about that. Another thing on my plate. Yay!

SPEAKER_07 1:09:56

Sorry, dog. It's like you never know what happens in 700 episodes. You don't want to commit that long.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:01

Anyway, uh dry. Dry dry, dry. The table that we're on is actively falling apart. It is going into the dumpster tomorrow. The table.

SPEAKER_05 1:10:10

I think we should. We are going to the switch table. If you own a home, we do have a drill. We have six more episodes that we need to record tonight. We are moving to that table.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:18

Yeah, we're definitely moving to that table. Actually. Yeah. How much was it at home? Walk? Oh, I forgot. There's plenty other Tesla in the world. Do get home. Yeah, you're gonna have to get a Waymo. Can you give me a ride home before you do six more episodes, Dan? No. Okay. Man, that'd be crazy if we actually did six episodes tonight.

SPEAKER_06 1:10:40

I don't think I could do six episodes in a row.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:42

You know what's crazy? That's like eight hours. Yeah, you want to hear something fun? I'm golfing at 6 40 in the morning tomorrow. Wait, that's a funny thing. I love golf. It is currently 12 30. Hell yeah, dude. I mean, okay, that's nothing, man. Sometimes we record this podcast and we get done at like 1 a.m. and then I go to work at 5 30. Yeah, no, I'm not really worried about it at all. Hopefully, I wake up in time. I've got to go up to Layton. Okay. So I've got to wake up at like 5. Are you going with Josh? No. No. I'm going with another buddy, but yeah, I'm going golfing at Valley View. Never been. It's one of like the better courses in Utah. It's pretty sick.

SPEAKER_05 1:11:16

Which one is Valley View? Not the View.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:17

Valley View is um. How do I describe it?

SPEAKER_05 1:11:21

Describe it in the water of a way as you can.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:24

Do you know where the Leighton Temple is? Yes. It's right there. Oh, okay. Very close to where I live. Yep. Oh. We take you now to a group of friends out doing the golf.

SPEAKER_07 1:11:40

When it's just as dry as all can get out.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:44

God damn it. Daryl, it's fucking hot outside. Why'd you book this tea time at 3 p.m. on in July?

SPEAKER_05 1:11:51

It was the only one available.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:52

It was the only one available.

SPEAKER_05 1:11:54

The only one available. Maybe we just don't golf then. Look, golf is popular, which means I have to golf, and I can't golf by myself, so I have to bring my buddies, okay?

SPEAKER_04 1:12:04

You can golf by yourself.

SPEAKER_05 1:12:05

I have a status to maintain.

SPEAKER_04 1:12:07

Okay. What's up? Guys, I've never been golfing before.

SPEAKER_05 1:12:10

Yeah, we know.

SPEAKER_04 1:12:11

We can tell. We can tell. But it's okay. I just need people golfing. Nope.

SPEAKER_05 1:12:16

Uh not always.

SPEAKER_04 1:12:16

Not always. Sometimes you've brought like a portable humidifier or something. Maybe. Well, I mean, we're outside. I mean, yeah, I guess. You could probably is pretty smart. Maybe we should do that next time.

SPEAKER_05 1:12:27

Look, look.

SPEAKER_04 1:12:27

What?

SPEAKER_05 1:12:28

Grass. What's catching on fire? Oh, just from the sun.

SPEAKER_04 1:12:32

It's so hot outside. It's so global warming is making so drives 113 degrees.

SPEAKER_05 1:12:38

Wow. That's the new state record. Is that really? This is crazy that it's so hot. I don't know. What state are we in?

SPEAKER_04 1:12:47

I'm currently in a pretty blistered mental state. And I've got blistered feet because I've been walking this whole time.

SPEAKER_05 1:12:53

Ooh, ooh. And and my and I'm I have feet. Sorry. I don't we were just there were just hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. No golf courts on the fire.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:04

Listen, we're look hey, uh I am I'm the ranger. I'm literally, it is my job to come out here and beep at you. You do have a fireproof card. Did you fuck start this fire? Yeah, I hit a bomb out here. 340 down the middle and I start on fire dogs. No, I didn't start the fucking fire. Did you just say you started a bomb out here? Yeah. Yeah. I hit a Sir? He hit a bomb. I had a bomb. I need you to calm down. What? Sir? Sir? Sirs?

SPEAKER_05 1:13:30

Are you a golf ranger?

SPEAKER_04 1:13:31

Do I need to call the police? No, no, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_05 1:13:34

You thought you were the police. No, the rangers.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:36

I'm the ranger. Oh, my bad. I thought rangers were the house. No, I go around and make sure kids aren't fucking in the tree houses. Is that what rangers do? Sir. Yeah. What? Did you start a bomb in this fire? I did.

unknown 1:13:48

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:50

Hey, uh, John. Just stay right there, please. Hey, I think there are some teenagers up there fucking around in the tree. Yeah, look at it. Oh my god, I already told them. John, I'll call you right back. It's about a bomb. Yeah, no, there's two kids fucking in the tree. You guys just stay right here.

SPEAKER_05 1:14:02

I'm gonna go sure thing. Sure thing. Go to the next hole. Go to the next hole. Go to the next one. Go to the back. Pick up your ball. You'll never find us over here. The next hole. Alright. Well, this hole isn't as dry. There's there's a I see some I see some. There's a spring down there. I can see it. Absolutely. So fun. What is that? Do you hear that? I don't know. I don't know. Is that coming from the well that's right next to the T box? God, not another. Who's hey? Someone down there. T-box well. Hello? Every single fucking time. Is there somebody up there? Yeah, what? Hello?

SPEAKER_01 1:14:37

Yeah, I hit the sick bomb down here, man. Don't say that. Don't say that.

SPEAKER_05 1:14:42

Don't say that. He's gonna come. He's gonna come. God damn it. There's kids fucking. Where? I'm out of hey, okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:49

Help, I'm stuck in this well.

SPEAKER_05 1:14:52

You hit your ball down there and you had to play it from where it lied?

SPEAKER_01 1:14:55

Yeah, but it was like kind of sick. Like it went straight in here from my drone. I believe you. I believe you. It's a par four, dog.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:01

That's pretty cool. You can put that on YouTube and become a millionaire.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:04

Well, I tried, but my drone crashed into the tree house. Did you at least hit the ball out?

SPEAKER_05 1:15:09

And then it became something the FBI needed for some reason. Did you did you Hey, hey, look, we want we want to help you. I didn't know. Mostly because I do need some more friends that actually know about golf.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:19

I love golf so much.

SPEAKER_05 1:15:21

Yeah? Yeah. Okay. Hey, if that's true, name three kinds of balls.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:28

Whoffle?

SPEAKER_05 1:15:30

That is one, actually. I didn't specify golf balls, did I?

SPEAKER_01 1:15:34

You got the hard balls? Which one's that? The wood balls.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:38

Okay, you were actually really good there. Okay, that was pretty good. Can I do that or do you have to do that? Okay. That was actually really, really good. There are wiffle balls. Yeah. And then there are soft balls, which are good for people who don't have like really high swing speeds. I actually used to golf all the time. And then there are really hard balls. I work at a golf store. Really? Yeah. That's awesome. I'm shit at it, but I love it. Me too. That's what I tell people. I'm terrible at golf, but I love to go and smoke.

SPEAKER_07 1:16:04

Is improv done? Uh yeah. What are you talking about?

SPEAKER_04 1:16:09

I just didn't know if you actually worked at a golf store.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:11

I was just talking about golf.

SPEAKER_06 1:16:12

You go and you smoke?

SPEAKER_04 1:16:14

Yeah. Illicit drugs. Smoke illicit marriage. Weeds. Yeah, okay. I got the impression of that. I've been sat in front of a ranger. Tattoos all over your arms. They are not weed leaves. Well, they are Japanese maple leaves. Uh-huh. Listen, we were talking about my mom earlier. Yeah. We were about to start coloring this in. Like, I'm not even fucking kidding you. We were about to start coloring this in the day that my mom passed away. Wait, really? Yeah. Oh shit. So you never told me that. So this is the story. Okay. So my mom dying was like a like a whole two-day experience. Yeah. Uh the she she had a heart attack in my dad's car. Oh shit. Um and passed out. She well, she overdosed on opiates. That's a whole thing. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, but she my dad called me. I was literally in the shower getting ready to go to the tattoo shop to get this started colored in. And uh the he called me, he was crying. And he was like, he was like, mom's not doing good. She's in the back of an ambulance. You need to get down here as fast as you can. And I lived in Roy at the time, and so I drove in my uh Volkswagen, my GTI, the one that I bought. Yeah. Yeah. Um, down I-15. I got to 132 miles an hour on that road on that road. Oh, yeah. Uh, thinking that my mom was gonna die, and then I called and told them I couldn't do it, and then um the next day she passed away in the morning while everybody was at church. Man, dang.

SPEAKER_05 1:17:37

Yeah, I that's so tragic. I do remember that day.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:40

Yeah, that was pretty crazy. Yeah, dang. Pretty crazy. It's weird. Sorry. I'm so sorry to bring that up. Don't be sorry. Don't be sorry.

SPEAKER_05 1:17:49

I've told you from the very beginning. We talk about whatever.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:51

Yeah, we talk about whatever we want, and also like comedy is such a great healing. Yeah, it really is. It really is, and it's it's helped me a lot. I mean, doing these kinds of things. Also, like I've become a very different person since it's happened. You never you're never the same. Never. And you just learn how to become a new person after. You have to be. Yep. I you can't just continue on, or that will be very, very dangerous. And that for sure. You know, you'll end up in places you don't want to be in. So uh yeah. I'm well said. Yeah. I'm I'm I'm impressed that you're there already. Because a lot of people take a lot longer to get to that point if they ever do. I've had a lot of pretty crazy experience in the past like 18, 19 months. Yeah. It's been fun. I mean Yeah, you're golfing. Fun is the I mean, I lost like two jobs because of it. I dropped out of college when my brother died. Yeah. So it's it's kind of like a yeah. Wow. Yeah, man. I don't know. Sorry. Conversation's the opposite of dry. Yeah, it's not. It's not dry.

SPEAKER_05 1:18:50

And now here's here's a question. Are you planning on coloring in the maple leaves? Oh, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 1:18:56

Yeah, absolutely. Um another crazy story is I traded this whole sleeve for an iPad. Yeah. You gave them an iPad to I got there was like an ad on Instagram. Well, it wasn't an ad, it was just one of the artists that worked at a shop that I got this alligator done at, and he was like, I need an iPad, we'll trade, we'll trade work for it. And I had an extra iPad air with a pencil and a case and a screen protector and everything that I wasn't using because I dropped out of college too. Nice. And then I messaged him and I said I had one. I showed up the next day with all of it, charger and everything, gave it to him, and he's like, Yeah, we'll give you about a thousand bucks for it. It was like twelve hundred or something like that. And then I asked for this uh this bird, just yeah, red-tailed hawk, big university Utah football fan. So this is a red-tailed hawk. He he busted this out in like an hour and a half, and he was like, Yeah, that's a big bird. This whole, I mean, this whole it was just the outline, and he didn't do like the the squigglies and all the detail on the feathers, but still this whole bird with the rock and everything was done in an hour and a half, and he's like, You sit really well. Why don't we just like pick another uh animal? And I got this badger, and we connected it and made it. Badger? Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:20:08

Well, folks, I think it's time for one last improv scene. We find ourselves at a parking lot where a Craigslist meeting is happening where somebody is about to trade their Nintendo Switch for some plastic surgery.

SPEAKER_06 1:20:26

Um, is this are hi, are you the guy that said that you would take my switch for work?

SPEAKER_04 1:20:32

Absolutely. Yes.

SPEAKER_06 1:20:33

I um what what kind of work are you willing to do? Because I was I had some ideas, but I was just curious. Like, so this is this is new. It's it's in the case, it's never it's never been opened.

SPEAKER_04 1:20:43

Any games with it? I was looking for Breath of the Wild.

SPEAKER_06 1:20:45

Oh, well well, it has like I have Breath of the Wild on my account. I can like give you my account information and you can like game share.

SPEAKER_04 1:20:52

Um but like for for right now, like it just comes with like Mario Kart 8. Okay. So like that's pretty fun. Pretty fun, yeah. It's pretty fun. It comes with pretty good value. Is this that switch two?

SPEAKER_06 1:21:03

Uh no. Okay. But it's still like in the box.

SPEAKER_04 1:21:08

Really? It's mint in box.

SPEAKER_06 1:21:10

Yeah, it's mint in box, yeah. Survey and open. See? Wow. See?

SPEAKER_04 1:21:14

I would most definitely do some work for you. What are you looking to get done? Like, like, look at me and tell me what I need. Do you need a dick enhancement? Is that what you're looking for? When you say dick in hand, is that oh, oh, oh. Oh, sorry, I do a lot of I do a lot of these and and I'm always confused. A lot of these of these.

SPEAKER_05 1:21:32

Ah, excuse me. Excuse me. Oh, is this a Craigslist Nintendo Switch plastic surgery switch? Oh. Is that what is happening occurring right now? Are you a cop? No, I am a plastic surgeon. No, that's what I mean. I will take your Nintendo Switch, I will give you second dick. I will give you second dick for Nintendo Switch. Wait, are you saying you Meredith? Meredith, is that you? No, you were not supposed to see through my disguise. I'm you can hear my distinctive voice.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:00

She works in the office down the street. We're kind of rivals. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 1:22:04

We are rivals. And I do not need Nintendo Switch, but I do need to defeat you in the battle of the plastic circle.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:10

So you would take the Nintendo Switch that I'm looking to have fun with my family? Absolutely. Wow, Meredith. This is the worst.

SPEAKER_05 1:22:16

And I would throw it in the rhinoplasty machine.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:23

No, it's permanent. Oh, fuck.

SPEAKER_05 1:22:25

It's permanent. Permanent nose. Two noses on Meredith. Two noses.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:31

Guys.

SPEAKER_06 1:22:31

Yes. I'm just wondering if either of you are gonna give me a second dick.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:35

I'll give you four inches.

SPEAKER_05 1:22:36

Four inches? Four inches?

SPEAKER_06 1:22:38

I'll give you four inches.

SPEAKER_05 1:22:40

Both. I will give you second dick. Four inch second dick penis.

SPEAKER_06 1:22:44

Wait, but wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Where where does he get the second dick from? Mmm, trade secret. You just like keep it in your car.

SPEAKER_05 1:22:54

It's well, yes, but that's not what I got it. Dude, what are you Is it how old is it? I'm not going to reveal all my secrets, but I will tell you that uh uh well uh that you you know I have my ways. Okay, because I'm like I'm I'm for a cooler full of penises.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:13

She steals them from uh people like you. Yes.

SPEAKER_06 1:23:17

Oh. Wait. Yeah. So if I agree to this, she's just gonna cut off my penis.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:23

She has her reputation where she'll uh respond to to very specific uh Facebook uh marketplace ads or Craigslist or Craigslist.

SPEAKER_05 1:23:32

Yeah, either one, either one, they're both useful now.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:34

She will show up and uh sneep sneep, as she would say.

SPEAKER_06 1:23:38

Sneep sneep. Okay, Meredith, Meredith.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:40

My classic catchphrase.

SPEAKER_06 1:23:42

I'm currently considering the other guy because he seems a little more trustworthy and he actually wanted the switch. Fine.

SPEAKER_05 1:23:47

But but I will throw in a third butthole.

SPEAKER_06 1:23:51

I already have two because the last time I did this one, I tried to do my Wii U. Was that you? That was me!

SPEAKER_05 1:23:57

I was wearing a disguise!

SPEAKER_06 1:23:59

That's incredible. Wait, so can I can I look through your selection of penises and buttholes? Yes, because I'm 40. I'm 46 years old, so I wanted to.

SPEAKER_05 1:24:06

You're 46 years old. I wanted to pick it up. You can't tell because of all the work I've given him. I've collected such an amassment of video game consoles from this man. I wasn't uncle works for Nintendo, so I guess I was. That's why he has three of every every body part. Except a penis and third bottle. I will give you second penis and third bottle. Okay, maybe. Let me look through your collection. Okay. Pull out the jar. This one here is hooked. This one is uh to the side. This one's to the other side. Oh. Exotic. This one's straight. Nope, just kidding. Floppy. Permanent floppy. Alright, this one, very small, but I think we all agree. Most attractive penis you've ever seen. That is the hottest penis I've ever seen. Very nice.

SPEAKER_04 1:25:02

Oh wow, that looks really good.

SPEAKER_02 1:25:04

Can I try this?

SPEAKER_06 1:25:04

Can I try this one on? You know what?

SPEAKER_04 1:25:05

Some people say some people would say that it's actually uh average. It's average, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:25:10

Is that average? Yeah, I would say so. I don't even know anymore. Can I can I try this one on? Yeah, let's give it a shot. Sneep, sneep.

SPEAKER_02 1:25:22

She took it.

SPEAKER_05 1:25:23

Turned into Pisberry Doughboy for a moment.

SPEAKER_06 1:25:26

Thank you for taking my penis away. Now I don't have to worry about being horny anymore. Did I take his penis away?

SPEAKER_05 1:25:34

I didn't even notice. That's how I'm hey, I have a problem. I have a problem, and I am making it right now. Why you left the balls, though. But you don't want to take penis and balls. No, absolutely not. Why would you do that?

SPEAKER_04 1:25:47

The penis on its own doesn't look as good without the balls. It kind of like it's like a background of a portrait. You want to know why she left the balls? Why? This is why.

SPEAKER_08 1:25:57

Oh, yeah, dude. That's great.

SPEAKER_00 1:25:59

Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 1:26:04

Well, it's been lovely. I'm so sorry we went from like this beautiful story of your life to Sorry, Mom! Penises in a car. Oh my god. You know what's crazy is she's 100% listening to this episode. Oh yeah. Yeah. She's 100% listening to the episode. Oh, yeah. She loves me and she supports me in everything I do. That's beautiful. It's gonna continue on after death. I know that. She's looking at me and she's going, What the fuck are you doing? She's like those should have been weed leaves. It should have been weed leaves. Definitely should have been weed leaves. You know, she was also really, really supportive of the tattoos, but she kind of looked at him like, what the fuck? Yeah. My mom has just now started being like okay with my tattoos. Really? And I think it's because the Mormon church has like lessened their hatred of them. Yeah. So yeah, it's interesting.

SPEAKER_05 1:26:56

Anyways, it's been lovely having you on the pod. Thanks for grabbing my character by the balls.

SPEAKER_04 1:27:04

You know, all it took was me just saying, Hey Dan, can I be on your podcast? That's all it took.

SPEAKER_05 1:27:08

That's fantastic. So then me texting you like three hours ago and saying, hey, tonight, right now, and then we did it.

SPEAKER_04 1:27:14

Yeah, that was great. Uh to those listening, if you want to be on the podcast, just message one of us. Just message one of us.

SPEAKER_05 1:27:19

We'll most likely be like, yeah, dude, come on. We have social anxiety. It's true.

SPEAKER_04 1:27:23

But also, I wanted you to be clear. I was gonna the thing is I was like waiting as I was like, Brandon, he's not asking me. Should I ask him? So all of all of Dan and Dan's other friends from Snow College. All nine of us. Everybody else. Let's get you on. Come on. Any time of day. Get out here.

SPEAKER_07 1:27:43

Not any time of day. I have a life, but.

SPEAKER_05 1:27:45

All right. Well, one more time, Chris. Tell the people what you're what you're doing in your life right now. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:27:49

That's what they need to know what I am currently in a show. I am doing I'm playing Dogberry in West Valley Arts' production of Much Ado About Nothing that runs mis. May 14th, 15th, and 16th. If you'd like to buy tickets, please go online to www. Come on, load, come on, load. Or it's wc arts.org.

SPEAKER_00 1:28:16

Org.

SPEAKER_04 1:28:16

Yeah. Located in West Valley Utah. West Valley, Utah, the old Hale Center Theater building right across the street from uh the Mavericks Center. It's a beautiful, beautiful theater. It's in the round. There are 600 seats in the theater, and we have sold 60 tickets. So please, please buy tickets.

SPEAKER_05 1:28:32

I'm still trying to get a show off so I can come see it. Yeah, please. But I will do it.

SPEAKER_04 1:28:35

Please come buy tickets. Yeah, I would much, much appreciate it. Just uh come hang out, laugh, have fun. It's gonna be a good time. What should do about nothing so fun? It's such a great show. It's such a great show. Um, it is impossible to memorize, but it's fun. Shakespeare's really hard to memorize. Yeah, especially Dogberry, because that dumb motherfucker doesn't know what the fuck he's saying. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 1:28:54

Yeah. Well, do you have a sign off for me?

SPEAKER_04 1:28:58

Yeah. Um, howdy duty. Have a wonderful night. Thank you. Hell yeah. I can probably remember that one.

SPEAKER_05 1:29:05

Probably. Let's see. We'll find out. All right. Well, no practicing.

SPEAKER_04 1:29:09

Just move right along. All right. Chris, thank you so much for coming on. We just got one more question for you. Okay. Do you have a goal for the week? A goal for the week. Yeah. From Thursday to Thursday. Thursday to Thursday, five times in the gym this week. Ooh, pretty good. Yeah, I get back down to 1259. Let's do that. Nice. Yeah. That's pretty good. See if I can do that. It's going to be hard, but we'll do it. I'm. What's your goal for the week, Derek? Me?

SPEAKER_06 1:29:34

I'm going to try and go either golfing or disc golfing in the next few days.

SPEAKER_04 1:29:37

Sounds fun. Let's do it. Let's freaking do it, Dave. Let's do it. Text me. I'll go golfing with you. It doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_07 1:29:43

That'd be awesome. I love golf. I just wish it wasn't expensive.

SPEAKER_06 1:29:45

It's so fucking that's why I disc golf now.

SPEAKER_07 1:29:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:29:47

One, because Dan's gorgeous and he looks really good when he throws a disc.

SPEAKER_04 1:29:51

But two, uh, it's not expensive. Not as expensive. Not as pretty fucking expensive. It can be. But yeah. Do you have to spend how much on a fucking frisbee? Shut up. Shut up. It's not a frisbee, it's a disc. It's$45 for a frisbee.

SPEAKER_05 1:30:08

The cheapest one is 19?

SPEAKER_04 1:30:10

Okay. Alright, I'm in. Let me buy a pack of 12.

unknown 1:30:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:30:14

But I can't go ball golfing one time because it's$90. Ball golf. That's hilarious. I call it real golf. Disc golfers call it ball golf. Yeah, I know. I know. Every time I hear real golf now, I cringe. My second set of testicles creeps up into my crotom.

SPEAKER_05 1:30:33

Dan, what's your goal for the week? I've been waiting for you to ask. Two words. Third penis. Sign us off, Derek. All right. Uh oh shit. Howdy doody. Thank you. Have a great day. And we'll catch you on the flip side.