31 - TINGLY (w/ Garret Whitworth)

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

Throughout time, philosophers have befuddledly wondered aloud the answer to one simple question How do you describe salt without saying salty? Today, in this very podcast studio, two non-philosophers will attempt to answer that question with the help of some special guests and the time-tested medium of long form improv. Whether or not that improv will actually have anything to do with the topic at hand is frankly not up in the air. It won't have anything to do with it. But you'll still want to listen anyway. Welcome to Describe Salt. Paul F. Tompkins. Mr. Paul, Mr. Tompkins, Mr. Uh, the time has come once again for us to beg you, grovel at your feet, to to to uh at least.

SPEAKER_06 1:10

Maybe we should acknowledge coming on the podcast.

SPEAKER_04 1:13

Lower our expectations for now. Just listen to an episode of the podcast. He's gonna listen to 20 minutes and then turn it off. That's fine. That's that's step one. That's all he needs. I would give you a few minutes. That's step one.

SPEAKER_06 1:23

I would give my left foot for you to do that. Um go ahead. But I'll like make a like a I'll mold, like I'll make a little caster mold, and then I'll fill it with uh with cement, and then I'll label it Paul F. Tomkins left foot. And then in parentheses, actually Derek's foot. Oh, okay. So he knows. I don't want anybody to be confused.

SPEAKER_04 1:46

I would like to know what the what what does this do? What is what's the point?

SPEAKER_06 1:51

Well, it's just like you know, I give my left nad for$600. I didn't really want to give my testicles, but I I will need to give I guess I can make a caster of my balls. Should I make a caster of my balls?

SPEAKER_04 2:05

That sounds more in line with what you're talking about. Do that. It's like one of those you then send a caster mold of your left nad.

SPEAKER_06 2:15

So do I need to take it out of the skin sack?

SPEAKER_05 2:17

Whatever one's more appealing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 2:18

Yeah, whichever one is more. Whatever one's more appealing. Um, okay. Alright, that's fine. I could do that. I could do that. I I could technically just use a golf ball and say it was my balls.

SPEAKER_05 2:27

Yeah, there you go.

SPEAKER_06 2:28

Should I?

SPEAKER_04 2:30

Do you think do your balls have little dimples all over them?

SPEAKER_06 2:35

I'm confused. Does yours not? No. Yours don't have little dimples? No. Prove it. What about your balls? No, no, we're on the table. You can't do that on camera. Um join our Patreon. The Patreon doesn't exist yet. But if the Patreon did exist, there would be a Dan's balls act here.

SPEAKER_04 2:52

We really, we really need to get a Patreon. Maybe that's what we need to get Paul F. Tompkins on the pod. You're right. We'll have a Paul F.

SPEAKER_06 2:59

Tompkins join us tier.

SPEAKER_04 3:00

And luckily for us, we have on the podcast today. Also, I'm Derek. This is a podcast about improv. And I've been forgetting to do that lately. Uh too big into the flip. I'm d I'm Dan. This is a podcast about improv, amongst other things. And today on the podcast, we have an expert in Patreon. Oh. Shosh. Shosh, welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_05 3:28

What's up, guys? My name is Shosh. Hey Shosh. Yeah. Uh what does it take to be an expert in Patreon? You know, you just gotta you just gotta be in there with all the billionaires, man. You gotta you gotta be in the rooms with where it happens. Oh. Y'all ever seen that show? Uh Hamilton?

SPEAKER_04 3:47

Ham Hamilton Hamilton. Hamilton. You're thinking of Hamilton.

SPEAKER_05 3:50

Oh, okay. Yeah. I love Hamilton.

SPEAKER_04 3:52

So wait a second. Billionaires are on Patreon?

SPEAKER_05 3:55

Yeah, man. They fund it all. Why? They fund it all. Oh, they fund it. Bill Gates, Elon.

SPEAKER_04 4:00

They fund it?

SPEAKER_05 4:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 4:01

I thought the whole point of Patreon is that just like regular people. Oh, oh, oh, oh. What's happening? What's happening? We're good. Yeah, we're good. My microphone is now working.

SPEAKER_06 4:12

Yeah, it is actually.

SPEAKER_05 4:12

Yeah, I can hear you.

SPEAKER_06 4:13

Yeah, you're still going. It wasn't working for a second. No, that was the Patreon glitch. They're watching. Do we need to what's happening? Nothing needs to happen. We can keep going. I definitely need to. And I'm not actually going to cut this either. Uh yeah, I hit a button. Oh. I was messing with gain. Well. Because Patreon experts need a certain amount of gain.

SPEAKER_05 4:32

Sponsored to you by gain. Energy bond. The cleaner. Yeah. The cleaning chemical.

SPEAKER_04 4:37

You're in with gain.

SPEAKER_05 4:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 4:39

You got us our first experience.

SPEAKER_05 4:40

And billionaires, yep.

SPEAKER_04 4:41

Okay. Well, that's that's good to know. Yeah. Okay. We brought you on for a reason because we're trying to make our own Patreon. But I do I'm really, really curious now. So billionaires fund Patreon? Yeah, man. But I thought the whole point was that Patreon, the people fund Patreon. That's what you do.

SPEAKER_05 5:04

You see, that's what that's what they tell you. No? But on the inside, it's all the billionaires. Everything, everything is run by the billionaires here. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 5:13

I that doesn't surprise me, except for the fact that the Patreon is like the one thing that I guess it does surprise me a little bit. Are you telling me that my$1 a month subscription to Jim Can't Swim doesn't like it's not doing anything? Look, man. Dude, wait. Is that real? That's real. I've been paying$1 a month to Jim Can't Swim for seven years, even though he has only uploaded two videos.

SPEAKER_02 5:43

That's what I was about to say. He has barely uploaded anything.

SPEAKER_04 5:46

Yes, I'm wondering if you actually had an in to Jim Can't Swim. If you could let him know that I'm really tired of paying that single dollar a month. You know what?

SPEAKER_06 5:55

I'll I'll let him know.

SPEAKER_04 5:56

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 5:57

Also ask him how he feels about like the eight other channels that have now taken his place because he stopped making videos.

SPEAKER_04 6:03

Well, that is one of the few things that he has done on Patreon is released a statement of like hey, some of them are fine and most of them are trash. That's true.

SPEAKER_06 6:13

That is actually very true, I can confirm. Um, okay, so Patreon. Like, explain to me uh something that's always bothered me is like the name. What is it, what does it mean? So is it like a patrion? Or is it like a patreon? Is like, am I paying someone named Trion?

SPEAKER_05 6:33

Okay, I'd like to hear this. It's it's come from it's comes from the origin of patronize. Oh like what my mom does to me.

SPEAKER_04 6:41

So the root word isn't it's not the root word isn't patron. The root word is another word that also has the root word of patron. Yeah, absolutely. That's goofy. So okay, wait, but the billionaires. Who else but the billionaires? The billionaires are patronizing us by uh paying for the things that we think we're paying for. Would Shosh lie to you?

SPEAKER_05 7:05

Would Shosh? I don't know.

SPEAKER_06 7:07

You don't know Shosh. Talking in the third person.

SPEAKER_05 7:09

Yeah. That's kind of my thing. That's kind of Shosh's thing.

SPEAKER_04 7:15

But is it interesting? Is that like is that related to Patreon? Just talking in the third person? You just kind of a kind of cool guy like that? Shosh is gonna do what Shosh is gonna do, man.

SPEAKER_06 7:25

Okay, and you just gotta deal with it. Yeah. He pays a dollar a month to himself.

SPEAKER_05 7:29

Or Jim Can't Swim and me.

SPEAKER_06 7:31

Yeah. I've been paying a dollar a month to a couple different ones. Kenji Lopez, alt, big fan, good chef.

SPEAKER_02 7:39

Cool. Um list my Patreon? I just don't know who that is.

SPEAKER_03 7:43

So I don't know who Kenji Lopez is?

SPEAKER_04 7:45

No.

SPEAKER_03 7:45

Do you know who Kenji Lopez?

SPEAKER_04 7:47

Can't say I do.

SPEAKER_03 7:48

What the fuck?

SPEAKER_04 7:49

He's not on Patreon.

SPEAKER_06 7:52

Uh he's great. I'm just an expert. I'm I'd yeah. Oh, that's the expert. Uh Draffee. I was doing Drafie for a while. Draffee. That's pretty good. Drophy's great. Um Should I list my is this is this good content? Should I just list no, this is terrible content, but we can keep going. We've already committed. I'm just gonna list the things uh that you pay a dollar for or that you like have one. Oh, that's when I need to stop.

SPEAKER_04 8:14

Oh, I'm gonna cancel that right now.

SPEAKER_06 8:15

You getting your Rocket Money out right now? Rocket Money, Rocket Money, cancel all my Patreons. Shosh told me I need to. Uh so while he's looking for that, is it true that Mr. Wonderful is putting in the data center in Utah specifically to support Patreon users? Absolutely.

SPEAKER_05 8:36

And he's gonna take all your water, and you're gonna like it.

SPEAKER_06 8:39

Interesting. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 8:41

Uh, why Utah? And why water? Man, that still beats me today. Actually, I just I just came. Never mind, I'm still Shosh. Um, but uh no. Water is still Shosh. Yeah, I am still Shosh. Yeah, I gotta Shosh, I gotta stay Shosh.

SPEAKER_04 8:58

And that's I you know what? This is the thing I'm really learning that I like about Shosh. Shosh, Shosh really just like has a lot of mantras that he runs through. I am still Shosh. You were going through a lot of mantras before the show. Remind me one of those other mantras you you were you were saying over. Would Shosh lie to you? Would Shosh lie to you? That was a good one. That was a good one. What was another mantra you said before?

SPEAKER_05 9:17

Shosh is gonna do what Shosh is gonna do.

SPEAKER_04 9:19

Shosh is gonna do what Shosh is gonna do. That was pretty good. That makes me want to say Dan is gonna do what Dan is gonna do, but it doesn't have the same name to it. It actually sounds like shit. It does it does sound pretty bad.

SPEAKER_06 9:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 9:29

Um change your name to Shan. Shan? Shan. That's pretty cute. Yeah. How about Shash?

SPEAKER_06 9:36

You change the D and the N.

SPEAKER_04 9:38

Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_07 9:38

There you go.

SPEAKER_06 9:39

Shash is okay. Uh I don't know if it's my favorite choice for you, but it like works. Kind of sounds like a kitchen. Shash kitchen. Yeah. Hash Kitchen is an actual restaurant. Are you still looking at your Patreons?

SPEAKER_04 9:49

Yes, I have four subscriptions. Do you want to know what they are?

SPEAKER_06 9:51

Yeah. Can I guess? Sure. Um Nikado Avocado.

unknown 9:57

No.

SPEAKER_04 9:57

No. Oh my word. Sorry. I should have realized that that was a joke because I got really annoyed. He's not gay anymore. Uh, okay.

SPEAKER_06 10:10

You know what? He is delivered. Good, good is good for him. He just released a press statement. Uh that's not a joke. That really is.

SPEAKER_04 10:18

I believe you. With the little I know about anyway.

SPEAKER_06 10:24

Uh uh, your next one, you're probably probably um uh what's that guy's name? Uh Big Joel. Big Joel, that is one. Correct. That was a serious answer. Uh Jim Can't Swim. Jim Can't Swim. Nice, which is also known as JCS criminal psychology for anyone who didn't know what JCS what Jim Can't Swim is. I don't know what the last one is. Probably Tucker Carlson. Oh god. I don't think he has a Patreon.

SPEAKER_05 10:54

Uh he's one of the billionaires funding items. Yes. Oh, oh, there you go. Me and Tucker Carlson are like this, man. Yeah. Really? Really? If if you if you're just watching into the to the podcast bit, I crossed my fingers there. Oh, that was really serious.

SPEAKER_04 11:09

So you were lying.

SPEAKER_05 11:10

I just don't know.

SPEAKER_04 11:12

I don't know how I don't know how effective a crossed finger is if you immediately point out that you're this, you know.

SPEAKER_05 11:18

Or crossing. We're like this and then a crossing. Oh that kind of cross finger.

SPEAKER_04 11:22

Oh I thought you were trying to take it back by saying we're friends, but your fingers were crossed what wasn't true. Oh no. No, it is just true. It's just true. Shosh and Tucker Carlson are tight. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_05 11:39

Man, we switch it up.

SPEAKER_06 11:41

He's not shy to he's not try to uh it's actually really hard. Have you ever tried to cross your fingers with your pointer finger over your middle finger?

SPEAKER_05 11:47

That is weird.

SPEAKER_06 11:47

That's like really hard and really wrong.

SPEAKER_05 11:49

I feel like they used to do that with like the little thing, you know I'm talking about. I don't know. Maybe all maybe y'all are a little bit older than me.

SPEAKER_06 11:54

I have literally no idea what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_05 11:56

Just a little bit.

SPEAKER_06 11:56

Shosh is like a young yeah.

SPEAKER_05 11:58

Shosh is like 18. Yeah. Shosh is 18. Are you a billionaire yourself? Um, I'm working my way up. You work your way up. Yeah, what does that mean? Yeah, subscribe to my Patreon and I might be able to work with that. Do you not get a salary?

SPEAKER_04 12:12

What do you do at Patreon? Man, I just wait, you're just an expert. You don't even work there. What am I talking about?

SPEAKER_05 12:17

No.

SPEAKER_04 12:18

You're just an expert at Patreon. What do you do?

SPEAKER_05 12:20

Well, I just make sure everything's good. I make sure, I make sure that the billionaires are getting the money that they kindly deserve.

SPEAKER_06 12:28

So they can put in the data center in Boxelder County, Utah that will supply the water to keep the data cool to make Patreon users spend more money on the internet. It was all Shosh's idea. And it's two and a half times the size of Manhattan. Well, with that note, I think it's time we go to an ad break.

SPEAKER_04 12:48

Oh, sure. It's been nice, it's been nice talking to you, Shosh.

SPEAKER_06 12:52

Shosh out. Shosh out. This guy rocks. When Shosh has sex, it's getting shosh.

SPEAKER_05 12:58

Yeah. Getting shosh, getting shoshied. Getting sloshy with shoshy.

SPEAKER_04 13:03

He's getting a lot of things. Okay. Well, thanks for being here. Thanks, Shosh. We're still working on that Patreon, but now I'm questioning whether I even want one in the first place. Yeah, it's too connected to Mr. Wonderful. It is. Do it. Oh, I want to go. That was Tucker Carlson. He said do it.

SPEAKER_05 13:18

Tucker Tucker's in the room? Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 13:19

Tucker.

SPEAKER_05 13:20

Okay. The green and MM got our boots back.

SPEAKER_06 13:26

And with that, it's time to go to a break. I didn't even know HelloFresh was still going.

SPEAKER_04 13:32

Welcome back. From the HelloFresh ad, where you you learned that you could use code Hello HelloSalt. HelloSalty. HelloSalt20. HelloSalt. Hello Salt.

SPEAKER_00 13:46

Hell assault.

SPEAKER_05 13:48

That's Oh, you meant Hellas. That's what happens when they storm the hell when they storm hell. Who are you? Hello. Oh, hey.

SPEAKER_04 13:53

Look, everybody.

SPEAKER_05 13:54

It's Garrett Whitworth. Hello. Welcome to the podcast. Thank you for having me. Welcome. How's it going? I'm great. Great. Nervous today. It's first time for everything, you know.

SPEAKER_04 14:03

First, and what was that? What were you referring to? Talking about salt.

SPEAKER_05 14:07

Podcast in this room and improv to improv.

SPEAKER_06 14:11

We got a new baby. Some fresh blood.

SPEAKER_04 14:15

Fresh meat, man. Yeah. We got some hazing to do.

SPEAKER_05 14:20

Improv's a cult. Yeah. And you can't prove otherwise. And consider my cherry popped.

SPEAKER_06 14:25

Oh. Why would you get a cult? Are you like making a pie or yeah? Oh, sick. Yeah.

unknown 14:31

Cool.

SPEAKER_06 14:31

Kind of dope.

SPEAKER_04 14:32

Well, why don't you tell all the lovely people, all the lovely cult followers at home uh who you are?

unknown 14:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 14:38

What a little a little bit about you. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 14:40

Yeah. My name is Garrett Whitworth, and I am from Nashville, Tennessee. Um, I'm an actor, and I just got cast at Desert Star Playhouse.

SPEAKER_04 14:48

Desert Star.

SPEAKER_06 14:51

You may notice a trend with the episodes. That like what I think we should look at a percentage, but it is like 40%, 50%. Oh, more than that. I was gonna say like 70. Like 70% of the people we bring on this podcast, we either met or are in a show with at Desert Star. At Desert Star.

SPEAKER_04 15:07

And now you are too. And we only met three days ago. Yep. And here you are.

SPEAKER_06 15:12

I met you six years ago. You just didn't know. Yeah. Oh, where at? Is it Denny's in Branson, Missouri?

SPEAKER_05 15:19

Yeah. We were there. I remember vaguely now.

SPEAKER_06 15:24

Yeah, he was waiting the table, and I was ordering uh salmon salmon for breakfast. No, slam and salmon. Slam and salmon for breakfast. Still not a real thing, but okay. I'll look I'll play along. Are you are you saying a slam and salmon isn't a real thing? We take you to Denny's in a Branson, Missouri, where the slam and salmon has just hit the menu. Okay, looking at this menu. I think I'm probably just gonna get a pancake today.

SPEAKER_03 15:54

I just Hey sir, how you doing? Oh, good. Oh, you're looking kind of cute today. What you doing? What's going on? Oh, thank you. That that Branson hospitality. I love it. Oh, I just I'm just passing through. It's the year 2006. You're just passing through Branson Menu, yeah? Yeah, I don't understand what you're laughing about.

SPEAKER_04 16:14

I'm I'm not I'm not laughing. I'm just uh I'm sorry, I'm it's not laughing, it's crying. I'm I'm I'm actually on my way to my father's funeral next date over.

SPEAKER_03 16:23

Oh, that's really morbid. What well so sorry, this we uh morbid? Is it okay? Morbid, yeah. I mean it's just it's just a fact. It's just a true fact. I'm just kidding. When people die, you just gotta turn them into mulch.

SPEAKER_00 16:34

Ann, are you still flirting with the newbies again? Oh, dude.

SPEAKER_03 16:38

That's my boss Jerry. He wants me to go ahead and just get you to buy the salmon salmon. The what? The what now? Jerry, don't worry. I'm gonna serve him the salmon salmon. He's gonna love it.

SPEAKER_00 16:49

Oh, just push the salmon!

SPEAKER_03 16:51

I'm pushing the salmon. I'm pushing the salmon.

SPEAKER_04 16:54

I kind of I kind of thought I would just get a pancake today, actually. I just need I do I don't need much. Okay, no. I mean, can I sit with you? You're obviously having a hot day. Oh, that Branson hospitality.

SPEAKER_03 17:04

Sure, sit down. I'm gonna sit next to you. I'm gonna put my head on your shoulder. Can I put my head on your shoulder? Yeah. Can I put my left leg on top of your right leg?

SPEAKER_04 17:12

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 17:12

Is this okay?

SPEAKER_04 17:13

Uh, you know, I don't know, but I I haven't decided yet. So we don't accept tips here, so this is the best you're gonna get. Oh, is that true? I'm so sorry. I usually tip my guests. So what? It's more of like it's it's I don't need one of those. I don't need a tip, just for the record.

SPEAKER_03 17:33

When you get a salmon and it's on your plate.

SPEAKER_04 17:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:37

And it's salmon. Okay. There's just nothing like the salmon salmon. Is that is a salmon salmon just salmon? I might want to go ask Jerry what's on the salmon salmon.

SPEAKER_04 17:48

Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_06 17:49

Because I can't remember. It's fine.

SPEAKER_04 17:51

It's so lost in your thighs. You got you got deep in those thighs. I'm not gonna lie. I still haven't decided if I'm okay with it, but I'm gonna let you continue if you want to. I mean, it's 2006, so like consent didn't mean the same thing. Uh yes. 2006.

SPEAKER_02 18:08

At Branson Hospitality.

SPEAKER_03 18:09

Branson Hospitality. All right, I'll be right back. Okay. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, come here.

SPEAKER_00 18:14

Yeah, Ann, what's up?

SPEAKER_03 18:16

Alright, so I'm trying to sell the slamming salmon. I tried putting my leg on him. He still doesn't want to just buy a piece of salmon with nothing on it. That trick always works. What are you talking about? No, he's he's going to his dad's funeral, though. His dad died in a plane crash. Oh boy. I read his mind.

SPEAKER_06 18:31

I don't actually he didn't actually bring it up. Okay. We all know you as a psychic. I well, I know, and I know what you're thinking right now. Maybe later, Jerry. Maybe later.

SPEAKER_03 18:39

But no, okay. The salmon salmon, is it really just a plate of salmon?

SPEAKER_00 18:44

Yep. Just salmon.

SPEAKER_03 18:46

That sucks, Jerry. We gotta change that. Maybe we put a pancake under it.

SPEAKER_00 18:52

Why the fuck will we put a pancake on top of a underneath of salmon?

SPEAKER_03 18:56

I don't know, Jerry. It's okay. But maybe we do. Because I think that's the only way we can get this guy to eat the salmon salmon.

SPEAKER_00 19:03

You know what? Fuck it. It's a Denny's. Alright.

SPEAKER_03 19:06

I'll be right back. Hey sir, I'm back. Oh, are you crying? Why the hell would you be crying right now?

SPEAKER_04 19:12

I was just thinking about thinking about that plane going down. Did your dad die in a plane crash? He did. Was it 9-11? No, that was five years ago.

SPEAKER_03 19:22

Why would I I don't know. Maybe you just got some body back or something.

SPEAKER_04 19:28

No, no.

SPEAKER_00 19:32

You gotta push the salmon, you gotta cook it yourself. Oh shit.

SPEAKER_04 19:35

Did he just say he was taking a smoke break? Yeah, is that what your dad did when the plane went down? That's how my dad died. He took a smoke break on a plane and it and it plummeted into the ground. Oh, so it wasn't 9-11. It wasn't 9-11. It was it was last week. Oh.

SPEAKER_03 19:50

Oh, sweet God. You gotta you're going through it. It was it was actually in this very town.

SPEAKER_04 19:57

Was it? Branson, Missouri in 2006. Didn't you hear about this? It literally happened a week ago. A plane crashed into City Hall. I did hear about that. That was your dad. That was my dad. That was my dad. That was my that was my old man.

SPEAKER_03 20:12

You know, he's getting called a modder. He he is? Wait, a martyr? Everybody's saying it. They're like, that Jim Bob, he was such a moder. I was not aware of this actually. And his last words are recorded on a that cassette tape that's a little bit more. That's true.

SPEAKER_04 20:29

Do you know them as well? I do. We could say them at the same time. Son.

SPEAKER_02 20:35

Go to Jenny's Jenny's and buy a slamming salmon.

SPEAKER_04 20:43

Why did I forget? Oh, he's so right. Ma'am, I'm gonna have one slamming salmon, and then I'm gonna go smoke on a plane.

SPEAKER_03 20:54

Oh my god, this is the craziest thing. This exact same conversation happened a week ago.

SPEAKER_06 21:06

Well, you did it. You made it through your first long form improvement.

SPEAKER_05 21:09

Oh man, I feel sweaty.

SPEAKER_06 21:12

Have either of you guys watched The Pit?

SPEAKER_04 21:14

No, I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_06 21:15

I haven't, fortunately.

SPEAKER_04 21:16

I've watched content about the Pit.

SPEAKER_06 21:17

You really need to. But there's a there's one of the lead nurses. I was kind of channeling her.

SPEAKER_03 21:22

She talks like this. Which one? What? The main the main lady. She's really just really pissed off all the time. She gets punched in the face in the face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 21:33

It's a great show.

SPEAKER_06 21:33

You gotta watch it.

SPEAKER_05 21:34

I was channeling Jerry himself, actually. Oh Jerry. Yeah, we go way back. That's the Branson Hospitality.

SPEAKER_06 21:40

That's that Branson Hospitality. Uh you know what's really funny? I went to Ransom Missouri in 2006. I've kind of assumed, actually, by how specific you were.

SPEAKER_05 21:48

Was it on the plane crash?

SPEAKER_06 21:49

Uh really. Started a cult. I think it was 2006. I was eight. How old was I in eight? How old was I? In eight? In eight. When when when was the year I How old? Eight. Oh six. I eight. Oh six. What was wait, hold on. Let's talk. I'd love to. I was born in nineteen ninety-four. And then six years later, two thousand. So then six years after that. That's twelve. I was twelve in two thousand and six. Yes. Whoa. I'm old. That means I was around in 9-11. Actually, I was six in 2006. I know how old you are now. Yeah. I was curious.

SPEAKER_05 22:29

It's not hard for me. I just now we know your story.

SPEAKER_06 22:33

Yeah. It's 2006. I was uh what's your mother's base name? 2006. SSN, please. Um, I I had the luxury of every grade I was in was the year it was. So like in 2001, I was in first grade, I was in six, second grade. I was close to that because I was just I was 95. You're just riding my butt. It's the new way of saying writing my tales. So uh Garrett, go ahead and uh yeah, tell us more about yourself. You so you're you're you moved out here to do a show. Yeah, you're staying here for the rest of your life because Acita is a cult.

SPEAKER_04 23:14

I I do have a I do have a question for you.

SPEAKER_05 23:16

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_04 23:17

Because I am your director in this in this upcoming show. And tomorrow. Off book act one. Off book act one. Already? Didn't you guys just start? I mean, yeah, but the show opens in three weeks. Holy sweet. Okay, I've done a lot of shows at Desert Star. That seems like a really fast turnaround. Yes. We we've condensed the rehearsals. That's crazy. There's one viewer rehearsal and in one less week than usual.

SPEAKER_05 23:46

But we only rehearse like four to five days a week. So it we do have a lot of.

SPEAKER_04 23:49

It's normally three. It is normally three.

SPEAKER_05 23:52

Oh wow. Yeah, it is. That is new for you.

SPEAKER_04 23:55

You got a lot more than on time because you're just out here with the one job. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 23:58

Fair.

SPEAKER_04 23:58

So what do you what else are you doing while you're here?

SPEAKER_06 24:00

You going skiing?

SPEAKER_05 24:01

Not even not right now.

SPEAKER_06 24:03

There is snow on the mountains. Yeah, but you can't ski.

SPEAKER_05 24:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 24:06

The slopes aren't open. That is that is the voice of someone who is negative.

SPEAKER_05 24:12

I actually heard it was kind of a sin in Utah, but I do snowboard. I don't ski. Isn't that it?

SPEAKER_04 24:18

I don't do either. I have no idea.

SPEAKER_05 24:20

I actually know a lot of people who snowboard. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's I know people who snowboard. Well, apparently there's like ski resorts here where you cannot snowboard. That is not allowed. That is true. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 24:29

I just snowboarded that was a thing everywhere. I don't is that not just a thing everywhere? That there's some resorts that you can't snowboard?

SPEAKER_05 24:36

Well, I have to snowboard in Ohio, which doesn't it's fake snow.

SPEAKER_06 24:40

Is Nebraska is uh Nashville? Nebraska.

SPEAKER_04 24:44

Nashville Derek was just gonna randomly start quizzing you in Nebraska for no reason. It's gonna be fun. Is Nebraska the place where that happened?

SPEAKER_05 24:53

Where what happened? You know, the events, the thing.

SPEAKER_06 24:56

9-11? No, that was in New York. Good job. Oh my god, I th I was trying to joke. 9-11's really sad. We should stop making jokes about it. Okay, so how how's how are you how's it going?

SPEAKER_05 25:08

Off book. Yeah, how's it going? I'm doing well. The comic book store scene is a little iffy for me just because there's more people. Are you playing the show? I'm playing Leonard.

SPEAKER_04 25:18

We should say it's a parody, a big bang theory.

SPEAKER_06 25:21

Yeah, I'm playing Leonard and the Big Bang parody. Which is hilarious because Big Bang Theory is actually super relevant in 2026.

SPEAKER_04 25:27

Yeah, absolutely. You just gonna you just gonna roast my shelf.

SPEAKER_05 25:33

They just keep on, they just keep on making spin-off after spinoff.

SPEAKER_06 25:36

I mean, Young Sheldon, you got young Sheldon, you got Teenage Sheldon, you've got adult Sheldon.

SPEAKER_04 25:44

Well, and then there's that one that's like, I don't know their characters' names, but there's the show that's called like Jenny and Georgia.

SPEAKER_05 25:49

Jenny and Georgia's big wedding or something like that.

SPEAKER_04 25:52

No, it's their it's their first marriage, is the title of the show. Yeah. Which always blew my mind. Seems like a that idea.

SPEAKER_06 25:59

Seems like an interesting Wasn't there the one about the cavemen? What? The TV show? Yeah, there's like the TV show. Does it have anything to do with Big Bang Theory? I mean, yeah, basically, it was like Big Bang Theory, but but but cavemen.

SPEAKER_04 26:12

What?

SPEAKER_06 26:12

You know, remember that? It lasted like one season.

SPEAKER_04 26:14

Are you talking about the TV show that was uh based on the Geico? Yeah, the Geico ads.

SPEAKER_06 26:20

Well, they experienced the Big Bang, so obviously it has everything to do with theoretically.

SPEAKER_08 26:25

Is this is this real?

SPEAKER_06 26:26

Yeah, and well, I mean, I guess Bernaked Ladies didn't write their theme song though, so not as cool. I feel lost right now.

SPEAKER_04 26:34

Yeah, I don't I don't know what's I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 26:36

Another caveman thing, right? Lost? No. No, that's castaway thing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 26:40

Never mind. It's okay. I I forgive you. Uh I don't know what's happening.

SPEAKER_06 26:44

So I I'm opening a show, and I want to pitch it. Uh I'm in a show at the Valentine Theater. Okay. In American Fork. Uh next Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, that is May 26th, 27th, 28th. Come see me be a demon possessing a little boy, and the family decides that the boy is better as a possessed child than how he was before. But only if you listen to this podcast in the first four days that it's out. Yes. Uh also, Dan, I haven't talked about this. I'm gonna release this episode probably tomorrow because we're having the director of the show that I'm in next week on a Wednesday.

SPEAKER_04 27:20

Oh, that's right.

SPEAKER_06 27:21

So we gotta publish this one early. Well, cool. So that we can put so we can publish two episodes this week. That's a treat for you, dear listener who is there. Little peek behind the curtain. Uh anyway, come see it. It's gonna be a lot of fun. Show tickets are only like 15 bucks. That's nothing, though. That's not bad. And we're taking that show to Edinburgh, Scotland to be in the Fringe Festival. So you really want to come check it out once in Utah.

SPEAKER_00 27:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 27:44

Uh the reason I bring that up is because I'm supposed to be off book two weeks ago. And we open on Tuesday. And you're now a week from tomorrow. Are you off book? Well, you know, off book is such a concept. Like it's a it's you I mean it is. You have a book and it's like off.

SPEAKER_05 28:05

And you can't charge it.

SPEAKER_04 28:06

You can't charge it. Yeah. Never thought about it this way.

SPEAKER_05 28:10

Yep. I do want to turn this around to you, Dan. Are you off book? Nope. For your show. And you probably won't be until the preview.

SPEAKER_04 28:18

It'll be a little bit longer for me because I'm I I have a double. Yeah, that's true. And you've been directing. And I'm currently still trying to figure out. Blocking is this is the most trouble I've ever had blocking a show because I did not write this show. And so I Is it some other guy directing? So confused. No. Oh. No. The writer We'll talk about that off camera.

SPEAKER_06 28:41

That's fair.

SPEAKER_04 28:41

I mean, the writer of the show was going to potentially direct with me, and instead he's not. So I'm just directing it.

SPEAKER_06 28:48

But now he's living in Branson, Missouri, only eating salmon slammen. Yeah. And you know why? He deserves. Why do you keep saying slam and slam? I really want a salmon slam and I don't know what a dude too now. I don't even like salmon, but like I really like salmon. I might I can't tell what it would be. What would be different? So when I think of a salmon slam I can't, for the life of me, say it right. And I made this up. To me, in my mind, a salmon salmon. That has to be a real thing. It feels real. We're looking it up. The salmon salmon sounds like something that would be on like a Chili's menu. And you would like show up to Chili's and be like, it's not a salmon sham.

SPEAKER_04 29:28

To me, it sounds like a triple A baseball team mascot.

SPEAKER_05 29:30

And then it's just seasoned salmon with garlic butter or something.

SPEAKER_04 29:32

Yeah, but it's like really bad. It's a movie. A 2009 comedy indie film. Oh my. What is.

SPEAKER_06 29:41

I did know this.

SPEAKER_04 29:43

It's got a 6.4 on IMDb.

SPEAKER_06 29:45

That's bad. That's not a good review score. Anything below seven is basically not worth your time.

SPEAKER_04 29:50

It's about the broken lizard comedy troop. What is happening?

SPEAKER_06 29:54

Yeah, it's the salmon salmon. Whoa. Uh okay, so before you tell me what the salmon salmon is, uh I in my brain, I envision, you know, you've got your salmon and you roast it to a nice 135 degrees. You've put some olive oil, some garlic on it. Maybe you cooked it with some lemon wedges under it. Obviously, you just have half skin, like it's skinned halfway. You don't want to fully skin it. Um and then when you pull that out, you've got, well, before you pull it out, before you put it in the oven, you got a cream cheese mixture of like onion powder, garlic powder. But you really gotta load that up with like onions and peppers, too. Maybe some lemon juice. Dan, are you feeling this?

SPEAKER_04 30:37

Yeah, yeah. Sounds good. And then here's the kicker.

SPEAKER_06 30:40

It's about to go down cheddar cheese. Fill that cream cheese with cheddar cheese. Okay, but hear me out. It sounds fucking gross. And you put it on top of the salmon, and then you roast that bad boy at like 500 degrees to a nice 135. Gets a little quispy on the outside. You put that on the table, you say, slamming salmon. Bring a bib. It's gonna get messy. You get to break the plate on the table every time you said, you don't get forks or knives. What you get, you clean that up with the the the plate glass. Broken glass. Pick that out of your teeth. Bring a bib. It's gonna get messy. Is that the salmon's the slam and salmon movie?

SPEAKER_04 31:20

Bring a bib. It's gonna get messy.

SPEAKER_06 31:23

Danny, you're gonna go home and watch Salmon's salmon the movie? I can't it it sounds like people like it. Oh, really?

SPEAKER_04 31:29

It sounds like it's a cult classic. I mean, it's got it's got not a great score on letterboxed, but a lot of people are like I actually really love this movie and I don't know why people hate it so much.

SPEAKER_06 31:38

Well, everybody go home and watch the movie Slam and Salmon. Uh, for all your salmon needs. Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_04 31:46

Do that. Garrett.

SPEAKER_05 31:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 31:50

We have brought you on to this podcast for a specific reason. I haven't even introduced the podcast yet. Have we not? We're so bad at this. We're rusty, man. It's been a minute. We gotta be better. What are you doing over there? What are you talking about? You looking some music up? Don't look at me! Why are you looking up music? Oh, you're you're looking up our podcast.

SPEAKER_05 32:10

I was okay, I'm back. He forgot what the name was and he had to. Yeah, we're back to it.

SPEAKER_06 32:15

Alright, so this is a podcast called Describe Salt where we bring on a comedian or comedian zzz every week to teach us how to be funny and also to describe to us that thing that you put on top of your slamming salmon that just confuses the loving shit out of me, man.

SPEAKER_04 32:29

This might be the latest into the podcast we've ever introduced it. That's kind of fun. It is fun. New world record. The the the stat heads that listen to Describe Salt will love that. That's a that's a fun outlier.

SPEAKER_05 32:40

Any percent Describe Salt run?

SPEAKER_06 32:42

Any percent. We're gonna we're gonna enter into any game uh games done quick this year. Nice. That's funny. That's funny. Someone out there is gonna get that joke. They're gonna be like, yeah, Derek. It's not me, but someone out there. I've watched so much Games Done Quick. Anyway, we bring a comedian on. They tell us what it is. What's that little flaky thing?

SPEAKER_03 33:05

Who even knows? How do you describe that in one word? I forgot all the dictionary. I just need one word.

SPEAKER_04 33:11

And last week, we brought we brought someone on.

SPEAKER_06 33:16

I feel like there's a lot of table noises this episode. Sorry.

SPEAKER_04 33:19

And and they described salt, and uh I just forgot what it was. So now I'm regretting it to you. Yeah, yeah, sure. Should you here, whisper it in my ear, whisper it in my ear, and then I will pass it along. Yeah, we no no no, it's my ear. Pretend that's my ear, and then my ear is there. And you whisper it in my ear, and then I will pass it along to Garrett. It's the opposite of moist. That helped. Garrett, the word, you probably remember it what the word is. I did listen to it about an hour ago. About an hour ago. Garrett, the word that was given to us was dry. What do you think about that?

SPEAKER_05 34:01

I completely agree. Salmon. Oh my god. Describe salmon in one way. Describe salmon. Oh no. We got another, we got another option of the podcast. Again. No, it does make your mouth very dry.

SPEAKER_04 34:15

I definitely do you normally describe things by the way they make you feel or by the way they are? Did did that make any sense what I just said?

SPEAKER_05 34:29

Somewhat. And uh I would say yes to both. I would say yes to both.

SPEAKER_04 34:36

And also, the new the new little test that we've been doing recently, I'd love that I've been enjoying using. If if someone, if you said to someone, hey, grab me the salt, and they went, the what? And they didn't know what it was, and you said, It's that one over there, and you had to describe it, and you said, It's the dry one. Do you think they would know which one you're talking about?

SPEAKER_05 34:59

Probably not.

SPEAKER_04 35:00

Probably not. Probably not.

SPEAKER_05 35:01

Yeah, because like if you got pepper next to it, it's probably drier than salt would be.

SPEAKER_04 35:04

Pepper's pretty dry.

SPEAKER_06 35:06

Pepper's pretty dry. Well, here's actually okay. Yeah, I'm a chef, actually.

SPEAKER_04 35:10

Um it's that part of the episode where Derek talks about how he's a chef and better than all of us.

SPEAKER_06 35:16

It all depends on how it was grinded. Ground? Nope, grinded. I make the word. I actually don't know if it's ground or not. I make the words that make the world go round. You know that song by that guy? I wrote the songs, I write the songs. I sure don't. You're from Tennessee! You know all the songs. It is ground. Alright. Uh depending on how the salt was ground, it could absorb more moisture from the air than pepper. But if it is standard table grind pepper. Ground. That actually the the actual word there. Table table table. Table grind. Table grind. Technically. So it's table grind. It is actually table grind there. Sorry. Um, but you could try to correct me. Throwing down the gauntlet. I know a lot about pepping salt. Anyway, if it's just like your standard table grind pepper, uh, that will probably absorb moi more moisture than the salt. So like if someone stuck their little grubby fingers in there. Like if you're not using a shaker, if you're using like a little cup and their hands were like wet, and then it like touched it, yeah, that would be wetter. So technically in that circumstance, you know, you got the little kid who's like just came in from playing uh the the splash pad with his friends and his hands are a little wet. Mom's like, wash your hands. He's like, I don't have to, I was just in the splash pad. And then he comes out and he sits down at the table and he's like, Mom, I want pepper on my salmon salmon. And so he grabs the salt shaker and he grabs the pepper bowl. Okay. And then he takes his little fingers and he puts them in the pepper bowl and he sprinkles it on top. And then dad sitting comes in, you know, he slams down. Boy, bash me that thing. I can't remember what it's called. Bash me the dry one. And then he looks over, and there's the salt shaker that is dry because he didn't just stick his grubby little fingers in the salt, he stuck it in the pepper.

SPEAKER_07 37:19

Sure.

SPEAKER_06 37:20

And then the kid's great. Takes the salt shaker and gives it to the dad. He's like, You did well, so you passed me the salt. Now you can go to college and I'll let your sister out of jail. Wow. That's a beautiful story. That's true.

SPEAKER_04 37:39

Okay. We find ourselves at that same house four years later. DeSun has graduated. He got his master's in four years. And he was like six o'clock.

SPEAKER_05 37:57

He was like six years old.

SPEAKER_01 37:58

He's coming home.

SPEAKER_06 38:00

Dad, I did it. Dad, I did it. I'm a ten-year-old now.

SPEAKER_01 38:04

Boy. You left your family behind.

SPEAKER_06 38:08

You told me to, because I handed you the pepper when you asked for the solid.

SPEAKER_01 38:13

Eventually, not at the age of six.

SPEAKER_06 38:16

But I did it.

SPEAKER_01 38:17

You did it.

SPEAKER_06 38:18

And now I know how to program the space satellites.

SPEAKER_01 38:22

You know how to program those space satellites, and your mom knows how to be dead in the ground.

SPEAKER_06 38:29

Wait, how is that my fault? Also, why didn't you tell me?

SPEAKER_04 38:33

Okay, no, no, to be clear, it's not it's not your fault.

SPEAKER_06 38:38

Well, it kind of is because I like I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 38:40

I you know, I haven't actually processed this very much. Maybe maybe maybe I will end up blaming it on you. I just haven't. Basically, you left.

SPEAKER_01 38:52

Hold on. Let me think about this. You left.

SPEAKER_03 38:55

Sister, you're here. Yeah, I know. Yeah, your sister's here. You're not in jail anymore.

SPEAKER_04 38:59

She hasn't mourned her mother's passing one time. I broke out of jail. She broke out of jail? Why did you break out?

SPEAKER_06 39:06

We let you out.

SPEAKER_04 39:07

We were gonna we were gonna let her out, and then right as we were going to pay the belt, she broke out of by herself.

SPEAKER_05 39:13

Oh, that's pretty dope. I hate you, Dad. I know I know how to do stuff on my own. I'm big girl now.

SPEAKER_01 39:18

Yeah, and that's why you've been in jail seven times since.

SPEAKER_05 39:22

Damn straight, Dad.

SPEAKER_06 39:24

You're such a cool 45-year-old sister.

SPEAKER_04 39:27

Okay, now hold on. I was just about to uncover some some serious trauma that I've been experiencing. So let me let me get to this, okay? Okay, Dad. You left for college. Your mother was heartbroken. I did we weren't very good at communicating, so I never figured out why. But uh she was heartbroken, and I assume it was because you were gone.

SPEAKER_06 39:51

Dad, I'm looking at her birth certificate. It looks like she was trampled by a herd of buffalo. It says that on her birth certificate.

SPEAKER_03 40:00

Yeah, you guys paid her parents paid for that thing where they predict the death on the birth certificate.

SPEAKER_05 40:05

And and that that's well, that's the thing. She was. And that's why I went to jail for the first time. I let the buffalo out.

SPEAKER_04 40:11

She let the buffalo out. And then they were roaming around for a few months, and then you left for college, and then they trampled your mother. They were just waiting on the day.

SPEAKER_06 40:19

What does it say on my birth certificate, Daddy?

SPEAKER_04 40:21

We didn't bring you to the same same crazy that that that's a that's a Minnesota thing. She was born in Minnesota.

SPEAKER_01 40:29

You were born in the great state of Vermont. But daddy, you brought me there, didn't you?

SPEAKER_04 40:37

I did. Your mama really wanted to know how you died. She didn't she did not want to know how her sweet baby boy died, but she did want to know how you died. Well, could we know? Well, I'm not supposed to break the Mom's dead now. You know what? You're out, son.

SPEAKER_01 40:53

Mom is dead.

SPEAKER_04 40:55

You know what? Just a second ago, I decided that you were the one responsible for your mother's death. I forgive you, son. I've worked through my trauma. And now we're gonna find out how your sister dies. I'm gonna take mom's bones and I'm gonna put them in a space satellite.

SPEAKER_06 41:08

Fun. Yeah. That's kind of cool. You know what? I forgive you again.

SPEAKER_04 41:13

Twice? Twice. Twice I forgive you. What's my middle name? Oh, uh, that that takes three forgives. Okay. Okay. Alright. Alright, you ready? I got it right here. I carry it. I never leave home without your birth certificate. I've been prepared, Daddy. But I've never looked at it before. Are you you sure?

SPEAKER_05 41:32

At the count of three, we'll do it together, Daddy.

SPEAKER_04 41:34

You re you really want to do this? Yes, Daddy. Okay. We're we gotta break the seal. One. And then we got and then we gotta undo the the the lock. Okay. Okay. Okay. Click, click, click, click. And then and then we gotta, we gotta. It's one of those, it's one of those puzzle boxes. I thought you weren't supposed to break the seal, Daddy. Well, I did. We broke that I know, but now we're trying to open it, so we can't break the seal. Okay, we're gonna be able to do that.

SPEAKER_01 42:00

Wait, you're the smart one. Solve this puzzle box. Done. Oh man, he's good. He's good. You know what? Master's degree at 30. What's my middle day?

SPEAKER_04 42:10

Oh, I Ethan dick. Yeah, that's fine. Alright. We're gonna find out how you die. You ready? Here we go. I'm ready, Daddy.

SPEAKER_06 42:21

Ethan. Why does that say anal probe? Ethan is an anal probe. Hey guys, check out what I just invented. It's an anal probe. It's an anal probe. Alright. That's crazy, man. That's super crazy. My middle name was Ethan. That was Family Matters. Why did you make my middle name Ethan? Every Ethan I've ever known has literally ruined my life. And I'm not gonna go into detail, but that is actually true.

SPEAKER_04 42:52

Well, now you have to go, you have to figure a one out.

SPEAKER_05 42:55

Give me one. Every Ethan is watching this right now as you speak.

SPEAKER_04 42:59

It's gonna be the only keyword in this episode.

SPEAKER_06 43:02

Let's see. I'm thinking of the three Ethens I've known who've ruined my life, and I'm ranking how bad they were. I love this. Well, it's kind of hard because two of them were really bad. Like, can't talk about on podcast bad. Okay. One of them.

SPEAKER_04 43:20

Oh, I know one of them.

SPEAKER_06 43:21

Do you?

SPEAKER_04 43:22

I know an Ethan that ruined my life? It didn't ruin your life. Never mind.

unknown 43:29

Never mind.

SPEAKER_06 43:29

Now I'm curious.

SPEAKER_04 43:30

Not your life. Do you know an Ethan that ruined your life? We both know an Ethan. No, that didn't ruin my life either. Oh, that ruined someone else's life. Ruin somebody else's life. We know an Ethan that ruined somebody's life.

SPEAKER_06 43:40

Alright, we can just move on.

SPEAKER_04 43:41

Yay. Okay, cool.

SPEAKER_06 43:42

If you're out there, you know who you are. So sorry we brought that up. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 43:47

Um, do you know any Ethens? Um did they ruin your life? Not really. I really don't know much Ethan's. I got a lot of hunters out out there in uh Tennessee. With uh hard T. Yeah. Hard T and hard R, unfortunately. Oh boy. Hunter.

SPEAKER_04 44:03

Is that time with the podcast? There's there's there's a there's a hunter high here in the valley. So Oh hi! There's I went to school with a hunter. I didn't like that. I'm sorry. I want you to know, Derek, I didn't like that. What about it? Can we break it down? Sure. Okay. Uh so I mentioned that there was a high school called Hunter High, and then you proceeded immediately to say say it again. Oh hi. Okay. So you started with oh. Oh. Yeah. As soon as you said oh, I genuinely thought you were gonna say, like, oh, yeah, we know a few people that went there. Oh, yes, we certainly do have a hunter high in the valley. Oh, I actually went there. You're gonna surprise me with something like that. And then you proceed to say, what was the second part? Hi. Hi. Go fuck yourself.

SPEAKER_02 45:05

Oh, Dan. It's been too long since you've been an asshole to be on this podcast.

SPEAKER_04 45:08

Do you say, do you say, do you say hi every time somebody ever mentions the name of a high school, Derek?

SPEAKER_06 45:14

Yeah. Never heard it before. You don't mention a high school's often. You better do it from now on. We talk about snow college a lot. But I can't go O college. I agree.

SPEAKER_01 45:24

You can't and you shouldn't.

SPEAKER_06 45:26

Well, I might now. Bring it up. What school do you go to, Gareth? Which one? College? High school? Both? We'll start with college.

SPEAKER_05 45:33

We'll go backwards.

SPEAKER_06 45:35

The University of Memphis. Oh. That doesn't have college in it, so I can't say oh college.

SPEAKER_05 45:39

Oh, Memphis. Oh, Memphis. Dan, I hated that. All right. Moving backwards. Beach Senior High School. Oh, hi. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 45:51

You knew it was coming. You can't be mad at me. Go bucks. Do I look mad? Go Bucks. Go Bucks. You're like Beach Buccaneers.

SPEAKER_05 45:58

Beach Bucks? The Beach Buccaneers. Beach Bucks.

SPEAKER_06 45:59

Oh, like a like a like a guy with a sword.

SPEAKER_04 46:02

Back Bucks. Okay. I thought it was like the Milwaukee Bucks. No. The Beach Bucks.

SPEAKER_05 46:08

This is Tennessee, but it was like a horse. Tennessee. That's fair. Yeah. Buck. Or like a dollar bill. Not that they had pirates in Tennessee at any time, probably. Yeah, I was about to say, actually.

SPEAKER_04 46:18

It's more likely to you're gonna have a buck.

SPEAKER_06 46:21

It's just like all tennis tournaments, right? Yeah. Oh tennis. Tennis. It's fine. It's fine. Do you get that on a lot?

SPEAKER_05 46:29

No. I I get the are you're the only ten I see.

SPEAKER_06 46:32

I was about to ask about that. That one common joke in Tennessee. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 46:36

And it does, it does warrant an eye roll sometimes.

SPEAKER_06 46:38

That actually like makes me mad. Like physically, I feel like I'm gonna throw up. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 46:43

That one's pretty bad. But I won't. Uh in the in the current show, in Princess Bride, there's a bit where um a character flirts with the front row and they read some bad pickup lines. Yeah. And at the beginning of the run, I'm in the background. They use like a book to read these bad pickup lines for them. And at the beginning of the run, I'm in the background, and they put the book near me. So I started like minutes later, I would pick up the book and read one more and be like, ugh, these really are bad. But um it never worked. Oh I cut it myself because it just it just one time I opened it, one time I opened that book, and I went. Uh I said, I just said the classic. This is this is not I did not make up this pickup line, it's just one I've heard before. Uh I I said, uh uh, did you fall from heaven? Because you are the devil. And the whole audience went That's not funny. Oh not in a not in a groan kind of way, in a like a that is physically upsetting.

SPEAKER_06 47:50

Not popular in a Utah crowd, probably as well. But not even like any crowd. I don't think that's safe for life. I was trying to get that joke.

SPEAKER_04 47:59

I've heard that joke as long as I've been alive. Well, yeah, but like are you an angel? Because you fell out of heaven and wings more common one. Wings are cute. This so mine is the that that's the original.

SPEAKER_06 48:10

Because they're the devil. That's stupid. Because you're the devil. That's worse than oh hi. No, it's yes, it is. Because at least oh hi is a structurally complete joke.

SPEAKER_04 48:20

No, it's not.

SPEAKER_06 48:22

High school, oh hi. Because it's meaningful.

SPEAKER_04 48:24

Did you fall from heaven because you're the devil isn't a complete structured joke?

SPEAKER_06 48:29

Oh, wait, I didn't I didn't get it. Did you because I wasn't thinking about the fact that it's like fell from heaven like like the angel, like Lucifer. So anyway, we I think it's time.

SPEAKER_04 48:40

No, it's not. Oh damn. Here we go. We find ourselves in hell. Uh, someone just fell into hell.

SPEAKER_01 48:54

Hey! Did you just fall from heaven?

SPEAKER_06 48:58

Uh no, actually. Shit. I just fell here. I died, and then I like woke up here.

SPEAKER_04 49:04

Every single time I always I just want to be able to say the joke one time.

SPEAKER_06 49:09

What joke? I can tell you. Do you want me to change my mind?

SPEAKER_04 49:12

Yeah, but I really good at lying.

SPEAKER_06 49:14

That's I think probably why I'm here.

SPEAKER_04 49:16

You wanna you wanna pretend for me? You wanna Yeah. Do you want me to do the whole bit again? Generations to get try this joke on someone. So yeah, just pretend I'm gonna turn around for a sec.

SPEAKER_06 49:28

Yeah. Oh, look, there's another guy falling right now. You can try it again. I'll just like hype you up. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 49:33

Oh hey guys, it's me, you know, little Nikki. Little Nikki famously played by it, I'm Sandla.

SPEAKER_04 49:39

Did you when little little Nikki played by Adam Sandler? Did you just fall from heaven?

SPEAKER_00 49:44

I sure didn't. Damn it. I haven't visited mom in years. Okay.

SPEAKER_06 49:52

Okay. Yeah. Um Do you want me to go back to the first plan?

SPEAKER_04 49:56

We yeah, we we were just gonna we were just gonna test something out. Um do you mind do you mind being uh like an audience for this really fast?

SPEAKER_06 50:04

Okay, fine, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 50:04

I'm just I'm just testing a joke. I really want to see if it's anything. Oh wait, anything at all.

SPEAKER_06 50:08

Here comes Bill Cosby.

SPEAKER_02 50:12

Never mind. Oh, he went way through. He went way through. He went to second L.

SPEAKER_06 50:17

Okay. Okay, okay. I really I really want to try this truck. Okay, okay, okay. I really want to try this. I'll give it to you.

SPEAKER_04 50:26

Thump. Oh, hey, and look, look, uh, a person that just fell. Hey, did you just fall from heaven?

SPEAKER_06 50:33

Why, yes, I did. Is that good? Am I doing my lines right? Sure. You didn't really give me lines of kind of having a like spitball here. You were the one that wanted to do Yeah, yeah, it's fine, it's fine. Okay, should I like be a guy who was like in heaven and then I fell? Or was I in the war in heaven? Yeah, yeah. Oh, can I like make up a whole backstory? I feel like we're talking about this too much. Oh, but I mean, I wanted to like be really in character and like make sure that you got the satisfaction you wanted because you seem like a small person. Oh, thank you. Even though I think you were here to torture me.

SPEAKER_05 51:01

Yeah! Hey guys, just fell from heaven. Hey! Someone who actually fell from heaven!

SPEAKER_04 51:06

Hey, did you just are you are you the devil? No! Wait! No, no, no, no. Are you are you did you just Did you just fall from heaven? Of course I did. I just said that.

SPEAKER_06 51:18

Yeah, you literally said it as soon as he landed. Because you're the devil.

SPEAKER_05 51:26

Oh, do you I didn't know there were crickets in hell. Oh, all crickets.

SPEAKER_06 51:31

I actually think this might be our torture.

SPEAKER_04 51:36

I think I'm done with that one. I think I'm done with that one. The title of that scene was All Crickets Go to Hell.

SPEAKER_06 51:44

That was a really good Pixar movie. Pixar? Like early like 2000s. Pixar. All crickets go to hell. All dogs go to heaven, all crickets go to hell. Yeah. By the great Moses. What? He flooded them there. What? You know, from the Bible.

SPEAKER_04 52:03

I'm aware of Moses. What does that have to do with crickets?

SPEAKER_05 52:07

He knows what I'm talking about. Do you know what he's talking about? Not a Bible, not a Bible dude. They're the only one in Tennessee that's probably never read the Bible before.

SPEAKER_06 52:19

That's actually probably true. Did you know that there's a chapter in the Bible all about Moses scurrying all of the crickets into hell? I heard about the ark. Oh, the ark. Not about the crickets. There were two crickets on that ark.

SPEAKER_05 52:31

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_06 52:32

And they both went to hell. They did both go to hell. Yeah, um, because they were actually taking over the fields. I think this is Job 6, chapter 3. Job 6 is very much the story of Job. Yeah, he was there. He was Moses' assistant, and he was like walking through, and there's a bunch of crickets, and they were eating the manna. And so Moses is like, you know what, dude? Job, we gotta get these crickets out of here.

SPEAKER_04 53:01

You want to know when I you want to know when I uh read the book of Job? Yeah. Uh while I was an inpatient at uh a uh uh mental hospital.

SPEAKER_06 53:12

That's the worst that is like out of all the books in the Bible to read, you read Job?

SPEAKER_04 53:17

Well, yeah, specifically because he was like afflicted as a test from God. And so I was like, this is me right now. Okay. I'm I'm I'm going through everything Job went through. Wow. Except I was I was just kind of I was just in a room with free food and lodging and shit. So not really the same thing.

SPEAKER_05 53:39

So the cricket from Pinocchio also go to hell, do you think?

SPEAKER_06 53:42

Uh yeah, so Jiminy, uh he he was there for sure. Yeah. I think he was on actually he was on the Epstein list, so he's he's kind of the he's kind of the Peter of hell, actually.

SPEAKER_05 53:52

Oh yeah, because that makes so much sense to the non-bipol reader.

SPEAKER_06 53:57

Yeah, so like when you get to hell, there's the the the red pearly gates. This is a this is a scene.

SPEAKER_04 54:04

This is this is the scene. Here we go with the scene.

SPEAKER_06 54:06

Uh we take you now to hell where Jiminy Cricket is accepting people's into hell. Oh man, I hope they let me in. I I I maybe my sins were bad enough. Maybe Jiminy will let me in.

SPEAKER_04 54:19

I I I didn't want to go over any of the really bad ones, but I did I did do I knew I knew tax fraud wasn't like a sin. It's just against the law. So Yeah, no, and they don't really care about laws in hell. Those commandments, anything on those stones. I didn't and I didn't want to murder anybody. Oh, I did. You did Yeah, I didn't want to like You wanted to murder them and you did murder them, or you wanted to murder them and didn't.

SPEAKER_06 54:44

I wanted to murder them, I didn't. So instead I lusted after their wives. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Jiminy Kribbini! Holy crap.

SPEAKER_05 54:52

You're just always listening, huh?

SPEAKER_04 54:54

We made it to the front of the line.

SPEAKER_05 54:55

I'm back.

SPEAKER_04 54:56

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 54:56

Um so what were your sins?

SPEAKER_04 54:59

Um, my sins, uh so first of all, um I pirated every single season of American Idol.

SPEAKER_05 55:09

Yeah, you're going to the deepest level, man.

SPEAKER_04 55:12

Ha ha! See ya, sucker!

SPEAKER_06 55:14

Oh my gosh, he turned into flames. Uh okay, Jiminy, uh, my sin is kind of crazy. So you know how you say we're not supposed to have any false idols?

SPEAKER_00 55:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 55:24

I too pirated American Idol. But for different sin. The sin of false idols. Oh.

SPEAKER_05 55:33

Yeah, you're still going. You're staying here.

SPEAKER_02 55:37

Hey! What's up?

SPEAKER_04 55:39

We're in the hell together. Oh, good. It's uh you welcome, first of all. Uh, this level of hell I found is specifically for people who pirated American Idol. Why are there so many of us? It's a lot. I am shocked. It's kind of crazy. I I did technically lie to Jimmy Korea. I only uh pirated the season where uh Ruben Stuttered won.

SPEAKER_06 56:05

Interesting. That was the only one. I pirated them all.

SPEAKER_04 56:08

You did?

SPEAKER_06 56:08

Wow. But it actually turned out that they were all false idols, so it was like not like not all the episodes were there. It was it was like I got chipped.

SPEAKER_04 56:19

Oh. I'm so sorry. It's okay. You committed all those sins for nothing. I know. But at least I'm here with all these fans. Yeah. Yeah. No, I was talking to somebody a minute ago that uh uh is completely obsessed with Kelly Clarkson, and it seemed like in an unhealthy way. Yeah, so that's um that's not my body.

SPEAKER_06 56:37

Randy Jackson?

SPEAKER_04 56:39

Oh my goodness. Like come down here to visit? Wow. Wait, was Randy Jackson pirating American Idol? I think so.

SPEAKER_05 56:46

He was there. Hell not for is a no for me, dog. Hell is a no for you, dog.

SPEAKER_04 56:52

She's never change, Randy. Never change. That scene went nowhere.

SPEAKER_06 56:58

It went to the level of hell where American Idol piraters go. That's true. Which is a level of hell in the Bible. I believe it's the sixth chapter of Job. No, no, no, no, no. That's Moses and the crickets. Everybody knows. Jesus comes down and says, Job, you gotta go back and you gotta help Moses with the cricket problem. Job says, okay. That's just a Job.

SPEAKER_04 57:25

It's just a Job thing.

SPEAKER_06 57:27

No, like it's just a job, Dan. It's just a Job thing. I think it's time, dude. I think it's time. I think it's time. I think it's gotta be time.

SPEAKER_04 57:36

Are you ready?

SPEAKER_05 57:37

I'm ready. Oh, you're you're ready. For my word. Is this what is this what we're is this what the time for is?

SPEAKER_04 57:42

I don't know, is it? Is it is it?

SPEAKER_06 57:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 57:45

Okay. That's what we say. Is it time? Okay, okay. It's it's no no no no no no. I'm ready. I'm ready. Are you? Okay, well pressure, pressure, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay. Garrett, it's time. Please take a step up to our sodium podium.

SPEAKER_06 58:03

Carefully, carefully, carefully, carefully. It's wet salt right now.

SPEAKER_04 58:07

And if you would be so kind, in one word or less, describe salt. Tingly. Tingly. I you you're looking through the list. I already know it's not on there. Leave a little tingle on your tongue. It's a little tingly. What are you looking for? It's not there. It's not there. It was just really close to Twain G. It is pretty close to Twain G. But it's not. It's not there. Honestly, it's a good word.

SPEAKER_06 58:40

It's a pretty good word. It's a good word. And it makes me think of when I put salt on my tongue. Yeah. Yeah. It's quite the accomplishment to say a word that actually makes me imagine salt. Yeah. Which you wouldn't think would be a thing in a podcast entirely about salt. I did study for an hour. Did you? Yeah, I did.

SPEAKER_05 59:00

Salt chapter three.

SPEAKER_04 59:01

Yeah, salt chapter three. Garrett didn't know this box.

SPEAKER_05 59:03

The one after the crickets did three hours ago. Yep.

SPEAKER_04 59:07

Which is kind of crazy because he just came up with one of the better words we've heard in the game. Yeah, that was really good.

SPEAKER_06 59:12

That's awesome.

SPEAKER_04 59:13

Tingly.

SPEAKER_06 59:14

What is that word association, Dan?

SPEAKER_04 59:16

Well, it first makes me think of I haven't even played this game and I don't even remember. Is it Majora's Mask? Tingle? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't played Majora's Mask.

SPEAKER_05 59:24

I mean, he's actually in a bunch of them. Okay, okay. Yeah, the green elf looking balloon.

SPEAKER_04 59:29

Green elf guy. Yeah.

unknown 59:31

Tingle.

SPEAKER_04 59:31

He's in a bunch of them.

SPEAKER_06 59:32

He got his own game. Did he? Yeah, there's like Tingle. It's on the DS. What? It's really bad. Okay. Well.

SPEAKER_05 59:40

Are you salty about it?

SPEAKER_06 59:41

That was pretty funny. Are you, though? I'm a little mad.

SPEAKER_04 59:45

Yeah? You wish Tingle had better representation in games?

SPEAKER_06 59:50

Is that is it? It's up to you. You're the one grabbing it. We take you now to a GameStop employee who is being completely destroyed by someone who obviously has never seen the light of day because he's very upset that Tinkle got his own game. And Zelda didn't yet. In the year that this is taking place.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:16

Okay, let me let me let me just let me let me just uh let me just work through. Do you mind do you mind repeating that one more time for me before we jump into this? Before we get into character here.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:26

Here is 2005.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:27

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:29

The Tingle video game just released. Okay. And just remind me.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:33

And the GameStop employee is getting yelled at by someone who's never left their house before. Okay. About the fact that Tingle got his own game before Zelda.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:41

Before Zelda. Okay, no, I'm on board. I'm on board. Let's jump in.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:45

I struggled through it because Zelda has now got her own game.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:50

Sir, I understand, but I have nothing to do with the executives at Nintendo company making whatever games they please.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:03

My uncle works at Nintendo, and he tells me that any day now, Zelda's gonna get her own game. And it's ridiculous that Tingle got his own game. Look, I understand. I'm like really mad at you for that.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:16

I I had I don't know how many times I have to say it. I don't work in Nintendo. I don't work at HAL Laboratories. I don't work at whichever company it is that specifically works on the Zelda games. I that's not me.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:31

Will you call the president of that number?

SPEAKER_04 1:01:34

I do. You do? Then you call them.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:38

No, I'm not cool enough. I need you to call them.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:40

You think I'm cool enough? I mean, yeah, you work at GameStop.$12.95 an hour at GameStop.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:45

Yeah, and it's$2,005. That's like$8,000 a year.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:50

Guys, can we hurry this lineup? I'm trying to get my hands on that legendary collection booster box. I think it's gonna be so expensive in a few years. Sir.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:57

It probably will. Make sure you keep it in shrink. Sir, you buy one of these every single week, and that's fine, but please just don't be mean to me this time.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:07

Yeah, but in 21 years, that's gonna be worth so much money, dude. Okay, okay. Hey, buddy, is there any good idea? Maybe I buy one. That's fine. Talk to each other. Maybe we buy each other one.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:16

I'm buying all of them, actually.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:18

This is limit one per customer.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:20

It is not in 2005, it's not.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:22

No, I've told you many, many times that is exactly what that means, sir. Many, many times.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:27

I'll come uh I'll come back in my wig.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:29

Hey, hey guys.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:30

What?

SPEAKER_02 1:02:31

I've come from the future.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:32

Oh, brother.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:33

And I have something to tell you.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:35

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:35

In the year 2025.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:37

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:37

Twenty years from now.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:40

That legendary collector box will be worth$8,000 a piece.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:46

That's great. Do you know what kind of drugs this dude's on? I have no idea. Wait. Why would you come back another time just to tell people this? Another vision. A vision? In 2025. I'm sorry. Did you come from the future or do you have visions about the future? Pick a lane.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:00

It's kind of like a mixture of both. It's a m- How could it be a good idea?

SPEAKER_06 1:03:03

So like I live I live there, but then I like travel back and then I have a vision of the things that I saw in my life. That you already lived?

SPEAKER_02 1:03:11

Yeah. So memory? People call that memory. I guess you could refer to it as a memory, yes.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:19

But also I know something that you don't know. Okay. In the year 2025, Zelda gets her own game.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:26

Okay. Uh sure. So do does that satisfy you, sir? The Zelda gets her own game finally.

SPEAKER_05 1:03:32

I call bullshit on that one, bud.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:35

Yeah, I don't think that actually happens. Fine, fine. Then don't believe the time traveler, just like I don't believe the time traveler. And we'll all just go about it.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:46

Sure. Sure. You literally just said that I'm a time traveler.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:50

We can't stroke his ego here.

SPEAKER_05 1:03:51

We can't stroke his ego.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:52

No, it's fine. I'm gonna stroke his ego so we'll get out of the store.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:54

Okay, you're gonna leave until you sell me all of your collector boxes, and then I'll go back in time and back forward in time, and I'll sell them all, and then I'll bring you all back some of some of the money.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:04

So that's your that's your play here? You're coming back in time to get those boxes? Why did you walk through the door and just tell everybody how much they were worth then?

SPEAKER_02 1:04:12

Well, because I thought maybe that would help you agree to buy them with me.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:16

No, I mean, if I were if I were to accept the reality that you were displaying to me, that would just make me want to keep them and not sell any to you. But but if you if you give them to me, I can go into the future and I can sell them, and then I can bring you back the money. Or I could not sell them to you, keep them for myself, and I could sell them for money in 20 years. You don't know if you'll still be alive. What?

SPEAKER_02 1:04:41

I've seen what happens to you. To me? GameStops start going out of business at rapid pace. And you were at the forefront of the GameStop. I am just a guy at a GameStop. There's Isn't your name Jared GameStop?

SPEAKER_01 1:04:58

Yes. It is. How did you know that?

SPEAKER_02 1:05:00

Because in 2020, you become CEO of GameStop. Finally. And then you're assassinated by the CEO of Blockbuster after Blockbuster goes out of business.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:13

No, wait, no, I don't believe any of this. You're not really from the future.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:16

Look at your birth certificate. If you're really from the future, what world events happen after in this year, our Lord and Savior, 2005.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:25

Yeah. What happens in 2006? Name one thing that happens in 2006 if you're from the future.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:30

In Branson, Missouri, in a small Denny's, there is a man who orders a slamming salmon the week after his father dies in a plane crash that sets apart a myriad of phenomena that lead to JFK getting brought back from the dead.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:54

Okay, this no longer sounds like memory. This does actually sound like visions now. This does sound like visions. See, look at this picture. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:02

Oh god blank.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:03

That's a blank picture.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:07

You just brought a framed piece of paper in here.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:10

That means something has happened in our conversation that has changed the course of history. I believe you now. We've got to do something about this.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:16

I must buy all these legendary collector boxes.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:18

No, I'm not gonna let you. Give them to me, and I will go and get us money and I'll bring it back.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:23

And we'll find out if inflation works backwards. Okay, we'll come back to this GameStop in the year 2026. If we're all still single in 20.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:35

We take you to the same GameStop in 20 years. Alright. I'm still single.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:40

I'm still depressed.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:42

Oh, hello. You you came. You actually came after all these years.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:48

I'm just waiting on that time traveler guy. I wonder when he's gonna get here. Same.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:52

Hello! You're here. It's I know it's been 20 years, but you definitely sound older already. And I thought you were just immediately going back to the side effect.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:02

I just came I age at a quarter of the pace in time travel. So like well I just aged five years or something. Okay, that's that's like eight point five years or something.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:12

Well, we we have some important news to tell you because you you just traveled all the way back twenty years, but we just lived the past twenty years and something did change. Yeah. That plane crash that plane crash twenty years ago? What happened? It didn't happen. What? Instead, it happened three years later. What? In Helena, Montana. Oh no, John Denver. John Denver.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:43

What? Didn't he die in the plane crash in Helena, Montana?

SPEAKER_01 1:07:48

In in in the 90s.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:50

Oh man, the the history did change when I went back. Oh, I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:54

No, this one crashed into an IHOP. Oh no. Where someone was buying the first ever stinkin' salmon.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:08

Stinkin' salmon. Stinkin' salmon. Wait. Stinkin' salmon? Wait. Wait, hold on. Is it Bernstein or Bernstein? Is what? Bernstein bears. There is no such thing.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:20

Oh no. Have you never heard of a slam and salmon? We've heard of a salmon salmon, but because of you. Come here. Get in my time travel machine. We must go back. This is awesome.

SPEAKER_06 1:08:30

Alright, I take you now to 2009 in Nebras in Montana. Helena, Montana. Helena, Montana. Alright. Boys. Okay, look. Look at the sky. You see that airplane? Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 1:08:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:08:42

Okay, you're telling me that's gonna crash and it's holding John Denver.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:46

I did not say the John Denver thing, but if you say so.

SPEAKER_06 1:08:48

Wait, it wait, close your ears. I mean, close your eyes so that it heightens your ear emotion.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:54

Is that how that works?

SPEAKER_06 1:08:54

Yeah, if you close your eyes, you hear better. Okay. Plug your nose and hold your mouth tight so that you can hear better.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:00

Okay, but uh the here's the thing. Here's the thing. I have a really, really, really good sense of foresight, actually. So if I close my if I close all my other sentences, my foresight just gets really, really, really good. But do you hear that? I can't breathe. I can't close my nose in my mouth. Oh yeah, that's it. Open your mouth, don't try, total. He has this medical condition where he can't plug his nose.

SPEAKER_06 1:09:19

But did you hear that in the brief moment that you were focusing on your ears?

SPEAKER_04 1:09:22

No, I my foresight just got really, really good. That's it.

SPEAKER_05 1:09:25

I just got a really big headache.

SPEAKER_06 1:09:27

My foreskin got really good. Does that have anything to do with this?

SPEAKER_04 1:09:31

That sounds like a you thing. I don't know. You could you could probably deal with that later. We've got much more important things going on.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:36

I tried to go back in time to stop the circumcision, and they just butchered it instead. Really? I'm so old, man. I keep traveling time.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:46

Oh, this isn't the first thing you try to go back in time.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:51

Yeah, yeah. Because they keep going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. It's pretty fun to see what happens. Okay, so what were you trying to show us? Look at that airplane. Oh, it's already going. Oh shit, it's already on.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:01

Oh, it's done. Oh, it hit the iHop.

SPEAKER_05 1:10:03

Oh, is that John Denver trying to crawl out of the rubble? Oh my gosh. Oh no.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:07

John Wilkes Booth here. John Wilkes Booth just shot him in the head. What?

SPEAKER_04 1:10:14

Oh, time is so messed up right now.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:17

Oh, and all I wanted was that those Pokemon collector sets.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:21

Now John Denver will never write Rocky Mountain High.

SPEAKER_06 1:10:24

Oh, he actually did write that already. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:27

He wrote that in 2002.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:28

Because he lived through the first plane crash. I think he wrote it in the 70s, actually. You're so right. Yeah, you're right.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:34

Well, this has been fun. Do you guys want to go back in time to where you belong?

SPEAKER_06 1:10:39

I kind of like it here.

SPEAKER_05 1:10:40

Now that we've seen a plane crash, this is chill.

SPEAKER_06 1:10:43

Yeah, 2009's pretty dope. Pretty good year. Yeah, you guys were from 2005. And then you lived to 2025.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:51

Yeah, so we were from 2009.

SPEAKER_06 1:10:52

And now you're back in 2009.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:10:55

That's easy to follow.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:56

Yeah, I you know what? I actually think I wouldn't mind sticking around here because I've been I've been basically celibate for 20 years because we all agreed to be for no reason whatsoever. Actually, you just agreed to that.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:09

Everyone else did that.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:10

Nobody else agreed to that? No, you were so excited.

SPEAKER_05 1:11:12

That was all your thing.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:13

You were really hyped up.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:14

Oh man. We didn't really want to like make you feel bad. I met so many people that were so hot and so into me, and I just re I turned them all down.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:26

Okay, wait, but in the context of us all being celibate, what did you think was gonna happen when we met up 20 years later?

SPEAKER_04 1:11:32

I don't know. This is what people say. When they have to meet in a long time.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:36

Let's not have sex with anyone else for 20 years. Yeah. Yeah. That's what you do, right? If in 20 years do we all have sex or we just go off and have sex with other people?

SPEAKER_04 1:11:46

No, now we can just go have sex with other people.

unknown 1:11:49

Oh.

SPEAKER_05 1:11:49

Right? Is that how it works? Sure. I don't know if that's what we agreed on when we made the pact to come back to the GameStop in 2006.

SPEAKER_06 1:11:56

So if my calculations are right, if I try and travel one more time, I will die. So I would like to use my last time. What's that calculation exactly? For good.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:06

For good? We're going back to 2005.

SPEAKER_04 1:12:11

2005?

SPEAKER_02 1:12:12

Right before you said, boys, let's be celibate.

SPEAKER_04 1:12:15

Oh, look, there I am in the GameStop. I'm gonna go stop yourself. Oh look, you just appeared in a flash of light.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:21

And then that's you, and you're standing right here next to me. Yes, but I'm gonna go in there and I'm gonna stop you from saying that thing about celibacy. And I need to warn you that you will experience every sexual encounter for 20 years when I allow you to have sex. Okay, wait.

SPEAKER_04 1:12:40

I can't tell if this is about to be really bad or really awesome.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:45

I don't know. But you have about two minutes until I die. Okay. And I'm gonna use that time for you. Okay. Remember who I am. Okay. Philip Seymour Hoffman.

SPEAKER_04 1:12:56

What? I had no idea, dude. I love you in SenecityU, New York.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:03

I only know one, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:13:04

Yeah, sure. It didn't happen in 2009 either. Yeah. Or of six, whatever.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:09

I'm a very famous actor until I died because of this incident. Alright. Enjoy your sexual encounters for 20 years all at once. Sure. Goodbye.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:20

Okay. Okay, he's gonna.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:22

Hey, wait!

SPEAKER_04 1:13:23

Don't agree to be celibate! Uh-oh. It's not worth it. Okay. You don't want to share it. Take off my clothes? What do I do? Or will I just experience it? I'm losing my virginity. I feel it. I feel it. Oh.

SPEAKER_05 1:13:42

Just the one. Oh, that's it. Yeah. Oh.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:50

Huh. Um. I think I just have an uh an abrasive personality.

SPEAKER_06 1:14:03

And that was fun, probably one of the best punchlines you've ever dropped. Okay. That was so good.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:08

I didn't know where you were going with that.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:11

I didn't either. I said the virginity thing, and then I was like, what other sexual experiences can I think of? Nope. No.

SPEAKER_06 1:14:19

You could have gone a lot of directions with that, and I I appreciated the way you went. Well, Garrett, it was a pleasure. Your name is Garrett, right? Yeah. What if I've been lying this whole time? Dude, I don't know why. I'm actually like really good. I remember so much about people, and then like I'll forget their names just out of nowhere. Um, it's not that I don't respect you, it's just a thing that happens. Be assured. Okay. Be assured. Uh no, you're swell, you funny guy. Um I'm gonna hopefully come and see the show. We'll see what happens. Life is crazy, man.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:50

Life is crazy. Life is so crazy.

SPEAKER_06 1:14:53

Life is so fucking crazy. But thanks for coming on. Thanks for giving us a good word. Absolutely. Thanks for taking time out of your busy day to come over at 10:30 p.m. to my little house in rural Utah. Am I in rural Utah? No. What am I? Uh suburban. Oh. Thanks for coming over to my little house in suburban Utah.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:10

Thank you. I love it here. If you'd if you'd like, although I think I might know what it would be, you can plug things. Anything you'd like to plug?

SPEAKER_05 1:15:19

I'm gonna be in the Big Bang Theory parody musical. Yeah. Desert Star Playhouse playing Leonard, and when do we run, Dan? We run July 12th.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:31

Something like that. Wait.

SPEAKER_05 1:15:36

It's online! Are you single cast? I believe it's a tenth cast. I am single cast, yes.

SPEAKER_06 1:15:43

It would make sense. Yeah. That would suck if you came out here and then you would double cast and you're gonna go. That would be crazy. Do like 35 shows. Okay, I'm done. Uh, very cool. Well, I'm excited to see you be Leonard, that goofy goober. Yeah. Does he get late in that show? In our show?

SPEAKER_04 1:15:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:15:59

Me and Penny Mac. I I I I read. In our in our show. Penny Mac. Mac Mac Lips.

SPEAKER_06 1:16:05

Is that her name?

SPEAKER_04 1:16:07

What is happening? Do you know Big Big Theory?

SPEAKER_06 1:16:10

Yeah, I watched like all the seasons and then I grew up.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:16:14

And then I said, oh, this actually isn't funny. And then I said Bazinga. Wait, does he say Bazinga?

SPEAKER_05 1:16:23

At the very end, yeah. Spoilers, but he does.

SPEAKER_06 1:16:26

Oh, I'm sorry. I mean, he's gotta say it at least twice. Add it again. Do you got a ball pit? That was like the Sheldon moment. I remember when that show was at its heyday in its prime. Everyone was like, Autism is funny. He got it. And then like he was in a ball pit and he'd be like, pop up, buzzing go, and he like disappeared. That's right.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:46

Whoa. You want to add that scene? Can you add that scene? No, there's there's already too much in the world. That show is problematic. Yeah, definitely. It's really problematic. Do we want to talk about this for another 20 minutes? Kinda.

SPEAKER_05 1:16:57

This was a little uh problematic too. Our episode? Can I tell you?

SPEAKER_06 1:17:03

Can I tell you something? This was probably one of our least problematic episodes.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:08

That's so true.

SPEAKER_06 1:17:10

And I wish that wasn't true. You wish that wasn't true? I wish that I had crossed boundaries today. Like I wish the things I'd said today were the worst things that I'd said.

SPEAKER_05 1:17:17

I guess I come here for the first time and I'm like, I'm never going to see these guys again.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:22

Well, I guess in a sense, I agree because it's not like I can just because this episode isn't problematic, it's not like I can show my mom this episode. I can't. What did I say in this episode? Did I say anything crazy? I said fuck a few times. Foreskin a couple times. Yeah, I say foreskin like every other episode. We talk about sex, just the basics. Yeah. But the basics is enough that I cannot show my mom.

SPEAKER_06 1:17:44

I mean, you did have all of your orgasms for 20 years at once. Yeah. Every six. It was which I think might have just been one for that guy. That was just the one. I do like the idea that he just had sex once and lived his life. And he's probably happier for it.

SPEAKER_04 1:18:00

And it didn't even seem like he had a good time.

SPEAKER_06 1:18:02

No, it seemed like he hated it. He actually turned out to be asexual and moved on with his life. Yeah, he just he just discovered himself. That's actually really nice. Yeah. Good for him. Heartwarming episode. Positivity. Yeah. And then that old man died. Philipsy more often. Alright. Well, do you have anything outside of Utah you would like to plug? Anything like you do online or anything? You got a crazy TikTok or a you can follow me on Instagram, GarrettWitworth2.

SPEAKER_05 1:18:31

There's another Garrett Whitworth. It was my old account, and then I can't get into it anymore.

SPEAKER_06 1:18:35

So that makes sense. Yes.

SPEAKER_05 1:18:43

JG Wentworth. They they do. They do. They get me. Yeah. It was really sad when I was in school. The bullies had a wild time with my name. I used I was Gayrit Shitworth. So yeah, I got that one a lot. That one was fun.

SPEAKER_06 1:18:57

I got called Mangina for an entire year. So I didn't get caught much.

SPEAKER_05 1:19:07

So anyway, uh woman episode.

SPEAKER_06 1:19:13

Alright. Well, I don't have a sign-off for this episode. So I was wondering if maybe you could come up with one for me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:19:19

I've got a sign-off. You're going to find out what it is in a minute. Derek Ravy. Derek doesn't have his own. Okay, don't hype it up.

SPEAKER_05 1:19:26

So I do the sign-off before the sign-off. Tell me my sign off. You gotta give Derek a sign off. You can have your own sign off.

SPEAKER_04 1:19:31

He's been experimenting with him. We're gonna see if yours sticks.

SPEAKER_05 1:19:34

This is like the 31st sign-off. What do people say during sign-offs? Alright. Like, subscribe, and hit that follow button below.

SPEAKER_06 1:19:48

It's a good one.

SPEAKER_05 1:19:50

Don't forget to subscribe to our Patreon. There we go. There we go.

SPEAKER_06 1:19:54

Alright, alright, cool. I remember that. Um I think I have like a 30% retrieval memory. I don't think that's a retrieval percentage.

SPEAKER_04 1:20:02

I think it's less than that.

SPEAKER_06 1:20:03

10% retrieval. Uh all right, man. Well, what's your goal for the week?

SPEAKER_05 1:20:08

Um, get off book for act two. You got this. Yeah, that is Saturday is coming up fast. Hopefully, catch a few shinies on uh Pokemon Legends Arceus. Oh, yes. I just I actually did not save, and I already had a save file, and I found a shiny alpha rapidash. And I did not save, and then it used double edge on itself when I had it very low, and then it died, and now I'm very sad, and I'll never find a shiny alpha again. Are you doing okay?

SPEAKER_06 1:20:36

No. Do you need do you need some emotional support? Yeah. Okay. Bite me. Not you, Dan. Okay, okay. Buy yourself some McDonald's on the way home and eat whatever it is that you eat at McDonald's and just cry.

SPEAKER_07 1:20:52

The whole menu tonight. They don't have fillet of fish past 10 o'clock. Is that true? Sometimes, yeah. Or maybe midnight.

SPEAKER_06 1:21:00

I don't I think Utah is just like Utah, they're all different. They all have different rules. Every single one's uh my goal for the week. My goal for the week is also to get off book for act two, but also for act one. Come see my show next week. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, 26th, 27, 28th. The 26th is my birthday. So come on my birthday. Nice.

SPEAKER_05 1:21:22

You want us to what on your birthday?

SPEAKER_06 1:21:24

Come.

SPEAKER_05 1:21:26

Yeah, man.

SPEAKER_06 1:21:27

If you guys don't come on my birthday, you're not real people.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:30

Not real people?

SPEAKER_06 1:21:32

Man.

SPEAKER_04 1:21:33

Well, my goal since you asked. Is to come on my birthday. Is to lose my virginity.

SPEAKER_06 1:21:40

On my birthday? Sure, I guess if that's what it takes. We would make an emotional connection first. Dad, I know. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:21:50

That's so insane.

SPEAKER_02 1:21:52

It was my first buy you somebody.

SPEAKER_06 1:21:56

I know. We need to stop recording this up these episodes at like one in the morning, dude. That would probably be a good idea for everybody. God. Okay. What's the sign-up there, Eric?

SPEAKER_00 1:22:07

Shut.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:08

This is the easiest one yet.

SPEAKER_06 1:22:09

Yeah, this is so. Hey, alright, everybody. You go ahead and look below and like, comment, and subscribe. And uh make sure you sign up for our Patreon where you can see Dan's ball sack. All right. It's a call back to the beginning of the episode. And we will catch you on the flip side. See ya.