34 - CRYSTALLINE (w/Brandon)

Transcript

SPEAKER_11 0:00

Throughout time, philosophers have befuddledly wondered aloud the answer to one simple question. How do you describe salt without saying salty? Today, in this very podcast studio, two non-philosophers will attempt to answer that question with the help of some special guests and the time-tested medium of long form improv. Whether or not that improv will actually have anything to do with the topic at hand is frankly not up in the air. It won't have anything to do with it. But you'll still want to listen anyway. Welcome to Describe Salt.

SPEAKER_07 0:50

Whoop. Whoa!

SPEAKER_11 0:57

Whoa! Whoa! Ha! Zip zip zap zip zap. We're back. That's an improv game. That's an improv game. Name another improv game. Uh Chinese checkers. Okay, we're gonna play it. Wait, what? Dang it. Chinese checkers. Is that an improv game? Yeah. How do you play that one? You haven't played Chinese checkers? I played the board game Chinese checkers. No, the improv game. I have not played the improv game.

SPEAKER_07 1:19

So it's just like normal checkers, but you can like move every direction. Okay.

SPEAKER_11 1:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_07 1:23

Yeah. So like you all stand in a circle.

SPEAKER_11 1:26

And there's like six of six characters or players.

SPEAKER_07 1:29

And so you all stand in a circle. They're all different colors and you have marbles? Yeah, and you all hold well, you don't have marbles. Oh. You're thinking of the board game version of the improv game Chinese checkers. Okay. Enlighten me. So you all stand in a circle. Ideally there are six people, but sometimes there's like twelve. Uh it's a very inclusive game.

SPEAKER_08 1:46

Sure.

SPEAKER_07 1:47

And then uh one person will yell out, me! Why does having twelve make it more? It's me! It's me, okay. And then whoever hears it first has to riff on that. So let's try it. So we'll stand in a circle, all 12 of us. Okay.

SPEAKER_06 2:03

It's me!

SPEAKER_11 2:05

And then you riff on that? What's the improv game? I guess usually an improv you don't know what the thing you're gonna be riffing on is uh until it happens. But in this one, it's just the same every time.

SPEAKER_07 2:16

Yeah, it always starts with it's me. It's me. It usually devolves into some pretty like existential conversation. It really leads to like a deep, unbridled hatred for the patriarchy. Always? I feel like this isn't an improv game, then pretty much every single improv can can go in so many different ways. Well, and then and then once that person's done riffing, then someone else usually comes in and says, wait, wait, wait, calm down. And after they say, wait, wait, wait, calm down, then they say, Sir, you need to leave. This is an AA meeting. And then once that person leaves. This seems scripted. This seems like it's a script. No, but I played it multiple times. I go to a church every Thursday. Do you do an improv at the church? Which church? Every Thursday. Saint Saint Judith. Okay. Well, that was last week, but then she told me to leave and never come back. In fact, they had a poster of me. It was kind of cool to do not let this man in.

SPEAKER_00 3:09

Okay.

SPEAKER_07 3:10

But I I kind of riffed on that when I did the it's me. So you're you can riff about other things. Well, kinda. But I was like, it's me. And I like pointed at the poster. And then it evolved into talking about the patriarchy. And then I was like, okay, but we gotta talk about the patriarchy.

SPEAKER_11 3:23

And also my crippling drug addiction. Okay. Maybe I just haven't maybe it's just because I haven't played the game. Maybe I just have to play the game. Well, I tried. Do you want to try again? But there's not twelve of us. Maybe I need to watch the game sometime. Okay. I just need to watch the game, I think. Next Thursday. Derek, we haven't done improv in a long time.

SPEAKER_07 3:46

I'm Derek. This is a podcast about improv.

SPEAKER_11 3:49

I wouldn't mean to bring it down. I'm just I'm just bringing that up as a fact. I'm my name is Dan, and this is a podcast about improv. And we haven't done improv in a long time. We haven't, dude. It has been so long. It's been like three months.

SPEAKER_07 4:02

Has it really? I think so. No way. That's like a third of a baby. Maybe two months. That's like a third and that's like a two and a half of the year. You know what?

SPEAKER_11 4:13

It was like it was like it was like the end of June. So it's been like a month and a half. Never mind.

SPEAKER_07 4:18

End of May or early June. Almost two months. It's been almost two months. That picture perfect afternoon. That is from a song from the popular musical Dear Evan Hansen. About a child who took his own life. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Wow, it has been a long time. Maybe we rein it in. Oh. Oh, this is a reined in episode. This is a reined in episode. I'm going to calm down.

SPEAKER_11 4:39

We're all we're we're just going to We're going to rein it in. We're going to we're going to stick to a script. Yep, we're going to read the script. We're going to read the script. Yeah, you got the script up.

SPEAKER_07 4:48

I sent it to you via email. Let me pull it up. Oh, yeah. There it is. I found it. Okay, I think you're next. I memorized my script. Okay. I I'm sorry, I didn't. It's okay. I didn't have time. It's all right. I have a job. Wow. Okay. My job was closed for a month because the AC was broken. It was a month? It was an entire month, yeah. Wow. Yeah. I thought it was like a week. It was supposed to be. And it was an entire month, yeah. I uh got pay for everybody though. Wow. It was great, yeah. That's really nice. I basically worked less than part-time for a month. But got paid, yeah. Wow. It was sick. Thanks, uh, bad maintenance case. That was actually. You're still sticking to the script. Yeah, that was on the script. That was on the script. And me pointing to your phone and saying that was on the script, and then me describing this. I'm gonna be honest.

SPEAKER_11 5:32

I wish I wish very meta. I wish you'd send this to me even more soon so that I could have edited this a little bit. Edit it? Yeah, I don't I don't know. Some of it's just very rambly. It's supposed to feel like improv. I think I think it's a little it's a little we talk way too much about the actual like meta process of doing improv in this script.

SPEAKER_07 5:51

Oh, I really actually, if you're scrolling down to page 17, that's my favorite bit where we talk about how meta it is to write a script based off an improv performance.

SPEAKER_11 6:00

But see, that's what I'm talking about. Is like right now in the script, we're on page like four, and right now we're talking about doing that later. In the script, I just feel like it's pretty heavy-handed.

SPEAKER_07 6:09

But I think that us talking about how brilliant it is, because this is all scripted, everything we're saying is in the script.

SPEAKER_11 6:15

And I know, and later I'm supposed to be scripted talking, just talking about how amazing it is, but right now it's scripted that I'm skeptical about it, and that's weird.

SPEAKER_07 6:21

Isn't it cool that we talk about how you're skeptical of it and then we go on to then write about how you're not skeptical anymore later on? It's it's it's interesting. I guess I'm just not sold on it. And it's weird that I'm scripted saying that. It is weird. It is weird that this entire thing is scripted. The even weirder bit is when we introduce the guest on page 58. 58? That's me guessing that it's gonna be page 58, just based on, you know, I'm typing this right now. We didn't edit it, so Oh, but but but that's just the character of you guessing. Yeah, the character is Derek is guessing that it's gonna be fifty-eight. Apparently, the character of Derek also struggles with a crippling drug addiction, but a meprazole. Uh oh. Take one a day, maybe. Or two. Two if the acid reflux is real bad. Yeah. Try a meprazol. I actually I wrote the script. This is this is Derek still on the script. Um, I wrote this script before we had a sponsor from Meprazol, but I was kind of hoping that maybe if I did this and I sent it off, I did send the entire 482 pages that are in this document to the Ameprzol headquarters, but I don't know if they're gonna because Omeprazol actually, we as we all know, is also a publishing house.

SPEAKER_11 7:30

Yeah. Yeah, they publish. It's great that they have been sponsoring us and that they're they are sponsoring editing and publishing the script, which is all part of the script. And now we're gonna turn our attention to the lovely editor in chief of Omeprazal publishing house. Please introduce yourself and tell us why you're here today.

SPEAKER_08 7:52

I'm Don Franks, and I'm head of Ma Peprezal.

SPEAKER_07 7:57

Don, uh, I think we actually meant to re- Wait, Dan, does it say in the script that he was from Pepeprezol or Peprezal?

SPEAKER_08 8:05

It's a new way. We're changing everything about the company. Oh my gosh, she's going off script. We're shucking off pages of the script. We're shucking off pills after pills. Our production, our publishing company, it's going all in. Okay.

SPEAKER_11 8:19

Oh my goodness. So it's just publishing now? You don't know.

SPEAKER_08 8:23

We're doing a lot of things. We're just not doing all a lot of pills. We're doing snake oils now. Oh. You call them snake oils? Oh, we call them a piprazol. Get on the page, Daniel. Whoa, he knows your full name. I know your full name, Daniel Alpheus Harvey. It's right here. It's in the script. Thanks. You wrote it in the script, Derek. And now he knows the ship. It's the prescription that was written up for snake oil.

SPEAKER_11 8:44

It seems like he's just edited this script himself.

SPEAKER_08 8:47

I've cut it down. I've cut down all of your parts.

SPEAKER_11 8:49

Unfortunately, he didn't even notice it. Oh, I just got the updated script. Yeah, I'm supposed to have a big monologue here, but now I don't get to say anything.

SPEAKER_08 8:59

Nope, read it. You get to say Don Franks. What a massive hog.

SPEAKER_11 9:03

Don Franks. What a massive hog. Thank you. Never seen a hog like that of a Don Franks hog. You're supposed to do it in the song.

SPEAKER_08 9:12

Together now. Ding ding-ing.

SPEAKER_07 9:16

Don Franks.

SPEAKER_11 9:17

What a massive hog. Never seen a hog like that of a Don Franks hog.

SPEAKER_08 9:26

Sponsored by Ma Prepazal.

SPEAKER_07 9:29

Oh, Ma Prepazol. Okay, so Don Franks. I'm gonna I'm just putting down the script if that's okay.

SPEAKER_08 9:33

So I just can't talk for a while. Leave the script. No, no, no, no. Look, look, look.

SPEAKER_07 9:38

Look, watch, watch. I'm putting down the script, Daniel. Look at your page and see how it disappears now because we're not we're off book now. But but we're getting but we're sponsored by the case. Hey book. Peppertal. Our accountant just messaged me and said that has never sent us a cent of money.

SPEAKER_11 9:58

You haven't sent us any money.

SPEAKER_08 9:59

We sent you a lifetime supply of snake oil and your scripts.

SPEAKER_11 10:06

What is the snake oil supposed to do?

SPEAKER_08 10:07

It's made of snakes.

SPEAKER_11 10:09

But what is it for? What is it claimed to be for?

SPEAKER_08 10:12

It's for like like, you know, you rub it on you and then like male snakes. It's like snake pheromones, or it attracts snakes.

SPEAKER_07 10:19

So it is literally snake oil.

SPEAKER_08 10:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 10:21

That's actually kind of cool. I bet there's a market for that.

SPEAKER_08 10:24

How much can I have? I gave you a lifetime supply. Supply. How much is it? It's not an unlimited supply.

SPEAKER_11 10:31

I figure.

SPEAKER_08 10:32

So it's one snake a week for 35 years. We're assuming the snakes are gonna get you before then.

SPEAKER_07 10:39

Okay, okay. So you're assuming most people will not live longer than 35 years. Okay. Wow. Well, um peprazol is a pretty smart company. Yeah. Because honestly, like sidebar, they they did that out of the kindness of their hearts.

SPEAKER_11 10:54

Hey, do you notice that you just said sidebar, and then we did not move the side at all you just talking directly to who's reading it off the script.

SPEAKER_08 11:02

So he knows what we're talking about. Oh Frank's.

SPEAKER_11 11:05

That was crazy.

SPEAKER_08 11:06

Well, he What are you guys doing in that sidebar?

SPEAKER_07 11:08

He wrote the script, so nothing, nothing, nothing. He actually fully knows what I was about to say, and I was about to say Don Frank's massive hog. So he's just playing along right now.

SPEAKER_11 11:15

And I'm just playing along right now because this is all in the script.

SPEAKER_07 11:20

Okay, Don't done, done. Did you come up with the idea for a Meprzal?

SPEAKER_08 11:26

Uh I didn't come up with the idea with Maheprzall, but I I was in the spirit of it. My great-great grandfather created Ma Pipprazol.

SPEAKER_07 11:34

What was his name? His name, Heimlich. Okay, is he available? Could we get him on?

SPEAKER_08 11:40

No, he died in the 30s. I have a ghost project. Late 30s.

SPEAKER_07 11:43

I have a dude, this script is crazy. I have a ghost projecting thermometer.

SPEAKER_08 11:50

Oh, yes. That's a new Mahiprzol project.

SPEAKER_11 11:54

My script is just back to not letting me talk again.

SPEAKER_08 11:56

Yeah. Yeah. So how about you follow it? Okay. Okay. You get to be the ghost. You're double cast now. Oh, I get to be the ghost.

SPEAKER_07 12:04

So wait, I take the thermometer.

SPEAKER_08 12:05

Put the thermometer in your mouth. Okay, okay. Hold on. I'm sorry, put it in terrible cold reading. You'll be so you'll in you put it in your mouth and the ghost of my great grandfather speech will be summoned through you the nearest.

SPEAKER_11 12:21

Okay. Okay. I am just cold reading this though. So like please, please go easy on me. Please go easy on me. Ooh.

SPEAKER_08 12:31

Grandpa?

SPEAKER_11 12:32

It's me, your grandpa.

SPEAKER_08 12:35

Oh. Good. And you love me, grandpa?

SPEAKER_11 12:39

You're proud of me? Love is not a part of my vocabulary. Sorry, there's there's a there's a lot of stage directions here.

SPEAKER_07 12:48

It's crazy that they wrote in. Sorry, there's a lot of stage directions here.

SPEAKER_10 12:53

I was going through a lot. Yeah, well, hold on, hold on.

SPEAKER_11 12:56

Okay, so that I wrote in that. So he must Okay, so you want me to you want me to look wearily, but not wearily in an endurance. I'm gonna take this thermometer out of my mouth.

SPEAKER_07 13:05

I don't think that this is adding anything to the story. Do I just stop talking again? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, read the script. It says that you stop talking. Uh okay, so your grandpa uh invented something pretty great. I hear that the snake bites actually help with acid reflux. So it's kind of it's working both ways.

SPEAKER_08 13:22

Yes. Uh the the thing about acid reflux is you once you're dead, you don't have it anymore.

SPEAKER_07 13:30

Oh, that's how you fledged the number.

SPEAKER_08 13:33

Uh a rattlesnake bite will end acid reflux in less than in then less than 15 hours permanently.

SPEAKER_07 13:40

Wow. So I have acid reflux. So you're telling me if I got bit by a rattlesnake and I'm like walking down the trail and I take some pepbrazol and I rub it all over my leg, and then I hear the I hear the then a snake comes out, gives me a big ol' honker bite right on my jugular vein.

SPEAKER_08 14:01

Wherever you want it.

SPEAKER_07 14:02

And then all of that semen goes into my bloodstream. I die. But I no longer have acid.

SPEAKER_08 14:10

I guarantee it. I guarantee it.

SPEAKER_07 14:14

Uh I didn't want to go into the afterlife with acid reflux, so that's kind of sick. Dan, I think you have a line coming up if you want to check back into your script.

unknown 14:24

Okay.

SPEAKER_11 14:28

Yeah. If I may interject, Derek. Thank you. We have not spoken enough on the topic of this man's beautiful large hog. I would like to submit that you should now talk about it without me. Great. Okay. This is awesome.

SPEAKER_07 14:50

This is the best episode of this podcast. It's a great script. It's a really great script.

SPEAKER_08 14:53

I'm glad you guys got off that improv bullshit. Yeah, me too. Got right on. My pippers all.

SPEAKER_07 14:58

Okay, so okay. We have one final subject. Uh our time's almost up. I know you have to go and ride your busy things to do.

SPEAKER_08 15:04

We're publishing the new Dune book.

SPEAKER_07 15:06

Oh, are you? Which one's that? What is that one about? Dune snake bite. Oh, that's actually kind of badass. It's kind of badass. Is uh is the snake the worm?

SPEAKER_08 15:17

Uh the worm gets bitten by the snake.

SPEAKER_07 15:19

Oh, okay. So it's like a smaller snake biting the bigger worm, or is a bigger worm biting the smaller snake?

SPEAKER_08 15:24

Uh they bite each other, and it's like an auraborus.

SPEAKER_07 15:28

Oh, that's kind of sick. Is this the one where Paultreides is the snake?

SPEAKER_08 15:32

Paul Trades is back.

SPEAKER_07 15:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 15:34

And he's the snake.

SPEAKER_07 15:36

Okay.

SPEAKER_08 15:36

And he's also the worm.

SPEAKER_07 15:38

And he's both so he's both. So like one of his kidneys went to each.

SPEAKER_08 15:41

Uh he is all things. He is the quadzatadarak. He is um the Lisanagaib. Yeah. He is the Mahiper. Excuse me, fellas.

SPEAKER_11 15:50

I just like to read. Can I can I say my line? I get one line every day.

SPEAKER_07 15:55

It's like seeing your kid win at soccer. It was just exciting to see.

unknown 15:58

Okay.

SPEAKER_11 16:00

Excuse me, fellas. Yeah. I can't help but notice that we immediately deviated once again from the topic of this man's beautiful, beautiful hog. Oh, yes. Thank you, Dan.

SPEAKER_07 16:12

I wasn't talking about it. Please stop. Literally, my line is right there. Oh, and then I'm supposed to get frustrated that you were cutting off the street. You get frustrated, I correct you, then you sit back again and we go look at this beautiful man's hog that is parked on the street outside. Okay. Um we head to your hog, sir.

SPEAKER_08 16:31

Let's go see my hog.

SPEAKER_07 16:32

Alright, now look.

SPEAKER_08 16:35

Grandpa. Grandpa, see my hog Jackie, come check out my hog, Grandpa.

SPEAKER_10 16:41

Sorry, I was just coming back to make a sound to imply that we were transitioning to outside.

SPEAKER_07 16:46

Super weird you wrote that into that screen. Alright, bye. Alright, so here's your prize-winning hog.

SPEAKER_08 16:52

Check this shit out.

SPEAKER_07 16:55

Oh shit, he got good boys.

SPEAKER_08 16:57

My massive hog's too massive. My hog's broken my legs and my pelvis. Get my hog off of me. Help me with my hog. Help me get my hog off, guys.

SPEAKER_07 17:12

You may notice the script has changed.

SPEAKER_11 17:14

Yeah. We edited it back. We put it into Google Docs. And now we've got live editing powers. I'm not commenting anymore, baby. Your hog has betrayed you.

SPEAKER_08 17:30

You know what it would never betray me?

SPEAKER_11 17:31

I thought I was gonna have a fun bit. I also thought you were gonna have a fun little bit.

SPEAKER_08 17:35

You know what it would never betray me. These snakes. Come on!

SPEAKER_07 17:39

Shit, there's a lot of snakes. We gotta go back. Wow, that guy was crazy. Now he's dead on the street. He's just dead. We did the one of the tenants of improv where you kill anyone in your scene. To be fair, he killed himself. Well, his hog, his massive hog. In terms of narrative. Can I clarify something with you? Yeah. So hog had three separate meanings in that scene for me, personally. Uh it had Yeah, let's dissect this.

SPEAKER_11 18:04

This is great content.

SPEAKER_07 18:05

Well, I was gonna digest it. So the first meaning for me, you know, big ol' wienus. Big ol' wiener. Okay. Big old penis. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 18:14

Like eight-inch or they'd be like that's the whoa, Derek, that's huge. Maybe like half a centimeter in diameter.

SPEAKER_11 18:28

Oh my god. That's not a hog. You can't call that a hog. If it's half a centimeter in diameter, that is not a hog.

SPEAKER_07 18:39

That is that is not one of the death conditions of hog. Well, it is also called, you know, like pipe cleaner. Anyway, the second thing that the hog was referring to is like a big old motorcycle.

SPEAKER_11 18:51

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_07 18:51

And then we get to that third, the third meeting, the one I thought we were going with. There's a big like prize-winning pig from the country fair.

SPEAKER_11 18:59

I kind of figured, because this was a because this is an audio medium, I kind of figured the motorcycle was eating him.

SPEAKER_07 19:10

Alright.

SPEAKER_11 19:11

I think it's time to take a break.

SPEAKER_07 19:13

Yeah, it's time to take a break.

SPEAKER_11 19:14

Uh so let's do it. Okay, bye, we'll be back. Bye, love you. Thanks, Big Hogs. And we're back. Um sponsoring the segment and the episode. Yeah. One of these days we're starting to start getting sex episode. We're gonna start getting yes. We're gonna start having every ten episodes is a sex position.

SPEAKER_07 19:41

We come on in with that sex position. Uh yes, today on the sex, that's nothing.

SPEAKER_11 19:48

Today's today's sex position.

SPEAKER_07 19:50

Uh Sex position of the day, the corkscrew. It's where you curl your body up, missionary.

SPEAKER_02 20:04

I want to talk about dude missionary slash.

SPEAKER_05 20:08

Oh, I'm already talking about missionary. Missionary.

SPEAKER_07 20:11

I only do one thing and one thing only. I lay her down, I give her the missionary. Hey, if she ain't starfishing, I ain't having a good time.

SPEAKER_06 20:20

Jesus Christ.

SPEAKER_01 20:22

Why'd you put that into the script? We're not on a script anymore. Don't bring the script.

SPEAKER_07 20:29

Hey, what's the corkscrew? Is that a real sex position?

SPEAKER_01 20:32

Are you gonna look it up right now?

SPEAKER_07 20:32

Well, now I have to know.

SPEAKER_11 20:33

Will you introduce her to a couple of buds looking up sex positions on a podcast?

SPEAKER_07 20:37

Oh my gosh. We're just hashing it out.

SPEAKER_11 20:39

While you do that, I'm going to introduce our actual guest for the episode, everybody. Welcome back for the third time, Brandon Davis. It's going, it's going. How does it feel to be the second ever third timer on describe some comb. Oh, the corkscrew's crazy. Oh, I thought you said a cone. I thought you said it feels like a cone. It feels like a cone. Like a dog cone in the bullshit. Like it was restricting you.

SPEAKER_07 21:06

Yeah, it is. It is. The uh the corkscrew sex position is not as exciting as you'd think. Is it just missionary, but you twist? Yeah, but it's just like sideways.

SPEAKER_08 21:14

Oh, yeah, you can get in the deeper that way.

SPEAKER_07 21:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 21:17

It's for example. If you don't have a massive hog, try the corkscrew. If you're rucking an eight-incher. Yeah, if you're if you've not got an eight-inch skinny dick like me, try the corkscrew. The ratio of your dick is that of a pencil.

SPEAKER_11 21:33

Try the corkscrew.

SPEAKER_08 21:34

You got more of a pen got less of a pencil, more of a cheese wheel, try the corkscrew. If you can reach places.

SPEAKER_07 21:42

If you never mind. Okay. If you can clean a drain with your penis, try the corkscrew. Yeah. It's actually like you could probably get in there and like control her brain.

SPEAKER_11 21:55

So you started that sentence as if you were about to speak more. More seriously for a second. And then it was just another joke.

SPEAKER_07 22:04

And it kind of really threw me off. Because I I was imagining it like you if your penis was like that, heaven forbid.

SPEAKER_08 22:10

Like a duck's penis.

SPEAKER_07 22:11

Oh, it's like a duck's penis. Yeah. The corkscrew. Oh my god. That's kind of why I thought you said that. I think it is. Subconsciously, I'm always thinking about duck penis. So anyway, you like get in there and you can like use it as a that's why it's called the big hog, because it looks like a pigtail. Oh Brandon, how are you?

SPEAKER_08 22:31

Oh, I'm hanging in there thinking about my penis, so that's good.

SPEAKER_07 22:34

I'm wishing mine was a corkscrew. I don't have to wish. Anyway. And I'm on circumstance, so I'm already halfway there.

SPEAKER_01 22:47

Now that we're in the more conversational part of the pod.

SPEAKER_11 22:53

I do want to ask, what have you been up to since the last time you were on the pod, Brandon?

SPEAKER_08 22:59

Same answer as the last two times, not a damn thing. Okay. I mean, I write a lot. You've what? I write a lot.

SPEAKER_11 23:06

I apparently can't hear you today. I thought you said I've lied a lot. I've lied a lot.

SPEAKER_07 23:11

I mean, what is writing if not just big lying on paper? Yeah. Just like improv is just socially acceptable lying. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 23:20

Actually, I'd say that about sarcasm.

SPEAKER_11 23:21

Imagination. Imagination lie.

SPEAKER_07 23:24

Yeah, my nose is really stuffy.

SPEAKER_11 23:26

I got the I was telling Brandon this earlier. I got the worst bloody nose of my entire life yesterday. Did you put it on the nose? Out of nowhere. No, no, no. I was literally, I was on my phone waiting for my food at Shake Shack. And then you had an aneurysm. And then it just started like gushing out of my nose. Out of nowhere. Yeah. All over my shirt. I managed to not get it on anything else, and I went into the bathroom. And the bathroom at the Shake Shack only has one stall and one sink. And there was a guy in the stall, and I walked in and immediately was like, shit, shit, shit. Oh, shit. Yeah. Shit. And then I tried to like open the stall and it was locked. And so I just sat and bled into the sink for 15 minutes while the guy didn't leave the stall.

SPEAKER_05 24:08

Jesus.

SPEAKER_11 24:08

So that guy was 100% masturbating in a Shake Shack stall.

SPEAKER_07 24:12

I don't know if he's masturbating. He might have just been awkwardly waiting.

SPEAKER_08 24:14

Yeah, waiting for you to get out of there.

SPEAKER_07 24:16

He might have been what he didn't. Some people just don't want you to see that they were pooped. That they were in the broom. He might have been jerking it. But like also I hope he was. I worked I worked in a place. I hope he was. Also, did you not pull the you should see the other guy bit? Because that would have really killed in that.

SPEAKER_11 24:30

I never saw him. I never saw him. That's a good point. I eventually finally clogged it all up and walked out and got my food.

SPEAKER_07 24:37

Did you ask him for cat fare?

SPEAKER_11 24:39

I never saw him.

SPEAKER_07 24:41

Uh I once worked at a place where it was like an office building, right? And I went into the bathroom and there was like what there wasn't a door leading into there. It was one of those like hallway ones. So you like can't hear when other people go in there. And it was like a Saturday afternoon, and I walked in and I start doing my business, and I just hear like so much porn coming out of this guy's phone. And then it didn't stop. And then there was grunting. I had a really long piss. And then I left. There you go. But yeah, he was definitely jerking it. But also like turn your phone down. Just turn it out. Just like turn your phone down. Like you're not in a public place.

SPEAKER_11 25:18

Do you not know how to do not know how to silently? I would never do it in a public place personally. I don't think I could. But I definitely know how to get off silently do it.

SPEAKER_08 25:28

Apparently, a lot of people jerk off at their workplace. Yeah. That's crazy.

SPEAKER_07 25:32

Is that actually like a truth? Apparently.

SPEAKER_08 25:34

I've seen a lot of people lately be like, you guys not jerking it at work? And it's like, no. I mean, I'm a carpenter, so I got sawdust on my head, so I can't.

SPEAKER_07 25:43

Yeah, it's a little rough.

SPEAKER_08 25:45

Yeah. Yeah. High grain.

SPEAKER_11 25:47

High grain. It's good for the old stamina, but that's about it.

SPEAKER_08 25:52

It's nice and smooth down there.

SPEAKER_07 25:53

Ribbed for no one's pleasure. That was funny. It's a funny masturbation joke. How much penis talk are we gonna have today? It feels like it's about to be a lot. It feels like we're not done. I feel like we have to keep it.

SPEAKER_08 26:05

Speaking of brain aneurysms in the bathroom, did you see that one guy who who uh farted so hard he had a brain aneurysm?

SPEAKER_07 26:11

Oh my god, that could be me.

SPEAKER_08 26:13

He was going to the bathroom and he farted so hard he had a brain aneurysm and like collapsed onto the floor, and he was like he was like, he said he was so concerned about pulling his pants up so nobody would find him and be embarrassed. And he woke up a savant, like an art savant. Oh yeah, and he didn't do that sometimes. He shit himself so hard he woke up a genius and he became like a mega pacifist because he said he like saw the universe and stuff like that. Fuck he walked, he would like clear pathways of bugs and stuff before he walked down them so he couldn't so he wouldn't step on any bugs or anything like that.

SPEAKER_11 26:50

Yeah, that feels great. We find ourselves at a local diner where two socially inept people are on a date and one of them has to release some pressure.

SPEAKER_07 27:03

Honey, I gotta go to the bathroom like really bad. Can I just go, please?

SPEAKER_11 27:07

We're already to honey speak. Um didn't think it was that that far into the third date.

SPEAKER_07 27:15

I mean God, you talk so slow.

SPEAKER_11 27:17

I you said you were just in a long-term relationship. How'd that end? I mean, it was it was a few months ago now. We've been on three dates now since then.

SPEAKER_07 27:26

Wait or you have one bathroom, yes? One bathroom, yeah. And the door's been locked for a while. Okay. Uh seems like someone's in there. Are they okay?

SPEAKER_08 27:38

Oh, I don't know. It is not our business to check in on the business of our of those in our business.

SPEAKER_07 27:43

Okay, so I I started with the crab ragoons. Thought it was a little weird that an Australian restaurant had crab ragoons. I was still going with it.

SPEAKER_08 27:51

Warm.

SPEAKER_07 27:52

Very warm. And they were like so soft. And I wanted them to be crispy, but they were.

SPEAKER_08 27:57

Soft and warm and out all day. So you that's our motto. That's part of it. That's part of it. Everything on this, everything on this menu has been out all day.

SPEAKER_11 28:06

I just I just that's why I didn't order any of the appetizers. Clarence. You picked this restaurant. Okay. And I I because I like trying new things.

SPEAKER_07 28:18

I met this guy on Hinge like three weeks ago.

SPEAKER_08 28:21

You two look like you've been together for a long time.

SPEAKER_07 28:24

Thanks.

SPEAKER_11 28:24

It's been three weeks. That means a lot to me. I'm not interested in taking this any further, I'll tell you that much. But yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_08 28:32

What I meant was you look miserable.

SPEAKER_11 28:35

Oh. Oh, that that actually makes sense. See, I I've I feel like I have an ability to connect with people really, really fast. So I feel it here. I see it. You and I are popping up like so right right now.

SPEAKER_07 28:48

You too. If I don't shit soon, I might die.

SPEAKER_11 28:52

Then shit, Michael. Yeah. Shit on the floor. Shit.

SPEAKER_07 28:56

You want me to shit on the floor? Shit.

SPEAKER_06 28:58

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

SPEAKER_08 29:01

He's having a brain aneurysm. You are our hundredth shitter of the day. Wait, no. You get free warm ragoons for live.

SPEAKER_11 29:09

Server, he's having a brain aneurysm, please. Oh no! I'm a nurse, I could tell immediately.

SPEAKER_05 29:14

Oh, je ne sais quoi. Michael? Hello. What's happening? I have no interest in you, Clarice. Despite having sh what about me, Michael? You're not smart enough. Get out of my book.

SPEAKER_10 29:28

Oh no. My name is Clarence, not Clarice.

SPEAKER_05 29:31

I know the truth.

SPEAKER_10 29:32

He knows the truth. My real name is Clarence. He knows everything, Clarice. What do you know about me, Michael?

SPEAKER_07 29:39

Uh you wank off to What do you wank off to?

SPEAKER_10 29:45

I was the one in the bathroom. I feel like we were getting to know each other. And now I feel like I don't know you at all.

SPEAKER_08 29:50

Clarence.

SPEAKER_07 29:52

He wanks off at work. You're not one of those.

SPEAKER_08 29:56

It's required for the warm, left out food. They say to wankoff. What? Don't wash your hands.

SPEAKER_11 30:04

That's how the food is how they make it in Australia.

SPEAKER_08 30:10

They leave their food out with their wank hands.

SPEAKER_07 30:14

I'm If you look into my hand that's filling with blood, you will see a map. And deep in the middle of my palm at the blood is the location of King Arthur's plates.

SPEAKER_11 30:27

I'm sorry, what did this brain aneurysm do to you exactly?

SPEAKER_07 30:30

I have ascended. Ascended! I spoke with God, who is the manager of a chilies at South Jordan, Utah.

SPEAKER_08 30:37

What'd you order?

SPEAKER_05 30:38

I ordered the crab raingoons. And w how were they? Crispy and flaky. A chili? Then the devil must have made this place. But then I ordered broccoli. And only broccoli, because the true test of a chilies is in their broccoli.

SPEAKER_07 30:56

They gave me a small serving platter of four pieces of slightly steamed broccoli.

SPEAKER_05 31:01

And that is what I knew.

SPEAKER_08 31:03

And how did God take it?

SPEAKER_07 31:05

Oh. God was pleased. God was pleased that day. He said, My son Gabriel. And he put his hand on my shoulder.

SPEAKER_10 31:16

You're not Gabriel. I thought you were Michael already an angel name, but he's a different angel. He's a different angel. Gabriel.

SPEAKER_07 31:21

I'm Gabriel.

SPEAKER_10 31:22

Why did you have a different angel name?

SPEAKER_07 31:25

Michael was my home name. Gabriel is my god name.

SPEAKER_01 31:29

That's kind of what I meant.

SPEAKER_11 31:30

I think we both meant by the fact that you had a different Okay, it's fine. It's fine.

SPEAKER_07 31:34

I don't want to get into that. I mean, it is technically Michael Gabriel Smith, but we don't have to get into that. God calls me Gabriel. We have a whole thing now. I gave him a blowjob. It was fantastic. Anyway, so he put his hand on my shoulder and he said, Gabriel, go back to Earth and find the nearest Denny's and tell them all.

unknown 31:53

Tell them all.

SPEAKER_07 31:55

And before I could ask him, you fucks woke me up. But now I think I'm very smart.

SPEAKER_05 32:00

I know that two plus two is six. And with that knowledge, that explains bubbles. That's how they got like that.

SPEAKER_11 32:08

You get it. Would you like to be my followers?

SPEAKER_08 32:10

I'd prefer to jerk off in the bathroom.

SPEAKER_11 32:12

You may. I just want to say that I'm starting to get jealous about the fact that you two are connecting. Clarence!

SPEAKER_05 32:19

Shut up.

SPEAKER_07 32:20

Wow. You know, the other day when we met on Hinge, and you said I really would just want to meet a god and ascend to Godhood. Uh-huh. I thought it was really weird, but now I get it because I am a god and I am ascending to godhood.

SPEAKER_05 32:33

And I could take you with a bit around, but now I'm if you jerk off at work tomorrow.

SPEAKER_10 32:37

Let's all let's all I gotta do.

SPEAKER_11 32:39

Let's all get let's all get together. Get together. I just got together. I just gotta go together. Yes.

SPEAKER_08 32:50

Tomorrow at 3 a.m. we get together at the hospital bathroom and we come together.

SPEAKER_07 32:55

It technically only works if you do it at your own place of work. So we all have to get a job at the hospital.

SPEAKER_08 32:59

Okay.

SPEAKER_07 32:59

Really easy to do. Always hiring. They're always hiring.

SPEAKER_08 33:03

Too many people jerking off.

SPEAKER_07 33:05

I actually I'm I'm a coroner now, so I'm gonna go in there and at 3 a.m. we'll all gather in the morgue where it's very cold and we can jerk off.

SPEAKER_08 33:14

Yeah, that sounds nice.

SPEAKER_07 33:15

And and just so we're clear. Then what? Then we just send a godhood.

SPEAKER_11 33:22

Oh. But if we do it right at 3 a.m., then we'll get on the spaceship that's headed for Zorob. Well what what happens what happens, for example, if uh not that this is gonna happen, but just if the two of you did it and I didn't.

SPEAKER_08 33:35

Then you would miss the media to Zorob. Uh don't you understand?

SPEAKER_11 33:39

You want to go to Zorob? Did you want to go to Zorob with us? Kinda no. Kind of know. But you would just talk about how jealous you were, and now you want to see the case. I was jealous that you were two were connecting and not connecting with me.

SPEAKER_07 33:48

Is there nothing to do with Zorob?

SPEAKER_08 33:49

Is there nothing more connecting than doing a mutual masturbation session in the morgue of a brains leave, our brains leave our body on a media ride to Zorob, the land of eternal peace and sunshine?

SPEAKER_11 34:00

I think it's because it's your idea. It's not my idea. It's not my idea. He told me in a chilies and said, Sometimes I just want to be able to be the one that come up with the ideas for the dates, okay? Sometimes that's what I want to do. Okay. Come up with an idea then. Okay. Um we go see we go see the the we go see the new Spider-Man movie. And we have we have a good time with the Spider-Man movie, and that's it. And then we go home. I do work at the local cinema.

SPEAKER_05 34:31

I could probably jerk off there too.

SPEAKER_11 34:36

Well. Let's talk about not penises. Yeah, we got it all out. We got it all out. I mean, you can jerk off if you don't have a penis. I didn't say you couldn't, but yeah. We're already talking about penises.

SPEAKER_08 34:51

Technically, we're talking about penis. We were gonna talk about vaginas. We were gonna talk about it.

SPEAKER_07 34:54

I was literally about to talk about the beautiful labia. Dan.

SPEAKER_08 35:00

Yeah, Dan. We'll skip vagina talk. Okay. We'll be so men-centric. Sorry, ladies. This episode will just be called the monologues.

SPEAKER_11 35:10

Okay.

SPEAKER_07 35:11

Sorry, two female listeners a month. I tell you, it's like, let's get that number down. Let's get that number down. We have data on men and women? Yeah. It's a very, very sexist world out there, dude.

SPEAKER_11 35:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 35:24

That's yeah, guys on podcasts are out there talking about dicks, dicks, dicks. So I not one of them talking about vaginas.

SPEAKER_07 35:31

I just got back from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Wow. Scotland. It was an amazing experience. I saw a lot of cool shit out there. I saw a lot of good comedians. I saw Zachary Rouane. I saw Zach Zucker's uh Stamp Town twice. It was amazing. Um anyway, uh during Zachary Rouane's bit, he had an entire thing about podcasts, and everything he said made me sadder and sadder and sadder.

SPEAKER_11 35:59

He also has an improv podcast. He does, yeah. Get him on the pod. Get him on the pod. Oh, while I'm remembering hides from crowds, though, I could tell you. That's true. But but while while we're on the topic of getting people on the pod, I should just I know we're not with your Paul F. Tompkins.

SPEAKER_07 36:14

Let's have a little talk.

SPEAKER_11 36:16

I'm pointing at the camera that we sometimes have, but don't have right now, but I'm gonna do it anyway. Paul F. Tompkins. Never posted any of those videos. If any of you 30 listeners know Paul F. Tompkins, PFT, we know we could get you on the pod.

SPEAKER_07 36:31

I'll actually take literally any celebrity. So Jeremy Renner. Okay, okay. Jeremy.

SPEAKER_11 36:37

I don't want to sound desperate. Jeremy Colhane. Okay. That reminds they're doing it. Did you hear about the Jeremy's improv show? They're doing a Jeremy improv show where every performer is named Jeremy. This is funny. They have like nine of them.

SPEAKER_07 36:53

That's very funny. Jeremy Colhane's there. Jeremy Colhane. I do not think Jeremy Alan White or Jeremy Renner are there, though. I don't think they're funny.

SPEAKER_08 37:00

Do you ever watch did you ever get the Jeremy Renner app back when it was a kid?

SPEAKER_07 37:04

I did not. What?

SPEAKER_08 37:05

There's a Jeremy Renner social media app. You don't know about the Jeremy Renner social media. No. Social media app that was made for and for Jeremy Renner and Jeremy Renner News.

SPEAKER_07 37:17

What?

SPEAKER_08 37:17

So it's Jeremy Renner's news. When he got hit by that bus or whatever, was that this was like a like a decade before then, I think. This was in like Can you download it?

SPEAKER_07 37:25

This was like 2015. No, it's 2015, I think.

SPEAKER_08 37:27

Yeah, 2015. It was like right of it was like a year or two after Avengers. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 37:32

Which was 2012. So back when he was famous. Yeah. It's funny because he's not. 2017. Huh. A one-way feed. Only he could post updates. Yeah. Pay to play. Oh my god, this is bad. It was crazy. Dude, he's not that great.

SPEAKER_06 37:48

Incredible.

SPEAKER_07 37:49

Though I used to love him because I I I mean I like him fine now. I used to like him more. He was in a TV show that was really good, and then it it uh wasn't famous. He's in uh Mission Impossible, some of them? Oh yeah. I don't remember what show he was in. Do you guys remember? You know what I'm talking about? TV show? Hawkeye? Nope, not that one. Way older than that. He wasn't even an adventure in. Uh what kind of TV show was it? It was like it was like it was like uh it was like it was like a detective show. Oh. It's like a crime procedural. I'm looking for it. We'll get there. NCIS. The best content right here. NCIS Manhattan, Kansas. Oh yeah, I forgot he played Jeffrey Dahmer, too. Oh. Last time, Brandon, last time you were on the show, we talked about celebrities for a while, too.

SPEAKER_08 38:37

Yeah. We talked about the Angelina Jolie movie.

SPEAKER_07 38:40

Oh, it was the Unusuals. It was a 10-episode series from Fox in 2009. 2009, actually like really good. Amber Tamblin and Jeremy Renner were the main characters. The unusuals. Uh this is sponsored by this TV show from Yeah. Yeah, no one's seen it. But my brother had it on DVD. It was an ABC. Oh, ABC show, but those got canceled just as quickly. I do remember Till Death, yeah. There's a guy in my work who looked exactly like that guy.

SPEAKER_08 39:09

Is it that guy, do you think?

SPEAKER_07 39:10

I think it is.

SPEAKER_08 39:11

Is he starting a new life?

SPEAKER_07 39:12

I think so. He always wears like oversized basketball jerseys. Okay. And I feel like oh my god, damn. It's not oversized. He's not oversized and it's not a basketball jersey. Are you Ray Romano's brother from Everybody Loves Raymond? What? Do the voice. What is his brother's name? I can't remember. Linda. Is that her name? Every every sitcom mom is Linda. Mm-hmm. It's my mom's name. Every sitcom mom is Linda.

SPEAKER_08 39:44

Every mom is Linda.

SPEAKER_11 39:46

Every detective show dad is Bruce.

SPEAKER_08 39:49

Bruce and Linda.

SPEAKER_11 39:50

I don't know. The pair.

SPEAKER_08 39:52

I tried to do something out of there. Bruce and Linda. Every dad. Bruce and Linda.

SPEAKER_07 39:55

Bruce and Linda. There has to be something more enjoyable for us to hash out. And I keep saying hash out because that's what Zachary Ruane said that people do on podcasts. They're hashing it out. The boys are hashing it out.

SPEAKER_11 40:04

Boys are hashing it out.

SPEAKER_07 40:05

Just hash it out. His entire bit was that that's why Donald Trump got elected because he went on so many podcasts before his first election. Yeah, I mean, almost certainly, yeah.

SPEAKER_11 40:13

All right. Brandon, hash it. What's grinding your viewers?

SPEAKER_08 40:18

I just think as comedians, we have a responsibility to keep the political sphere. Oh my god, I'm gonna throw up connected.

SPEAKER_11 40:25

Actually, I'm waiting for you to say something that makes me not tense up.

SPEAKER_08 40:31

Well, I guess we could talk about dicks again. Oh, he tensed more. Oh, he tensed more. Oh, he's not tense now. Oh no. Okay, now he's soft.

SPEAKER_11 40:39

Okay. I always was. He said that was great. That's my secret, Captain. I'm always soft.

SPEAKER_07 40:48

That was the cutest thing I've ever heard. Ah, now he's soft. Pat on the head, tug him in the bed.

SPEAKER_06 40:56

See you in the morning, buddy.

SPEAKER_05 40:58

See you in the morning. Kisses right on the forehead.

SPEAKER_06 41:00

Thanks, Brandon. Yeah, you're nice and soft.

SPEAKER_10 41:03

Brandon. Keep re key be bedtime story. Sure.

SPEAKER_07 41:11

We take you now to Brandon's services, where he provides the softening service for men who are just a little bit too hard right before they go to bed.

SPEAKER_08 41:20

Hi, welcome. Welcome to softening softening service.

SPEAKER_11 41:23

Yeah, I just need the service.

SPEAKER_08 41:26

How soft would you like to be?

SPEAKER_11 41:27

I need I I just made it.

SPEAKER_08 41:30

Ooh, this is too hard. Ooh, this is too soft. Ooh, that's just right. Uh Goldilocks? Mama Bear. Too many choices. Too many choices.

SPEAKER_11 41:39

Part of the reason I'm hard is because there's choice paralysis.

SPEAKER_08 41:42

Okay, I'll give you one choice. Lay down.

SPEAKER_11 41:45

Okay. Oh just on the floor?

SPEAKER_08 41:47

Just lay out.

SPEAKER_11 41:48

Just in the in the reception area.

SPEAKER_08 41:49

Lay anywhere you see.

SPEAKER_11 41:51

Okay, I'm gonna lay down on this tile pattern tiled floor.

SPEAKER_07 41:55

Daddy!

SPEAKER_11 41:56

What?

SPEAKER_07 41:57

When are we gonna go home?

SPEAKER_08 41:58

I don't know. I'm tired.

SPEAKER_07 42:00

It's three in the morning.

SPEAKER_08 42:01

Do you think you're so hard because your son's up such a buzzkill? I feel like we're having fun, kid. You come in here ruining it.

SPEAKER_11 42:09

Look, this kid is one of two things a buzzkill or a cock block. It's it's it never it's never anything but those two things.

SPEAKER_04 42:16

I use this mallet to block the cock.

SPEAKER_08 42:19

Keep the chicken out of the house. You keep that chicken out of here, boy. You do what you're told now. I'm trying to get your dad soft.

SPEAKER_11 42:26

Okay, kid.

SPEAKER_04 42:27

Bobby does that just fine. I don't know why we're here.

SPEAKER_11 42:30

Okay, okay. I just need to be soft. I just need to be soft.

SPEAKER_08 42:34

Okay? Hold your breath. Take five deep breaths. Hold my breath or take five deep breaths. Five deep breaths, holding each one in more and more. Okay. Until you've got five breaths in you.

SPEAKER_00 42:47

Okay, here we go. I'm okay. Here we go.

SPEAKER_08 42:53

You gotta hold it in now. Hold that one in and out now. Get the next one in you. Next one. Next one. Now, boy, hand me that needle and I'm gonna pop your father like a big balloon. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_11 43:10

I'm bleeding! Out of the nipple!

SPEAKER_08 43:12

Dad, Dad, that's not hard anymore. Whoa. You're right, son. Got all the stiff blood out of you.

SPEAKER_11 43:21

Oh, so all I needed was a little bloodletting. A little 18th century bloodletting.

SPEAKER_08 43:27

Maybe your boy wasn't such a buzzkill after all.

SPEAKER_04 43:30

Dad, I just want to go home and sit on your lap and play Call of Duty. Kid, that's okay with me.

SPEAKER_10 43:36

Oh, great. The chicken's in here now. You go, go. Chicken. Golly.

SPEAKER_08 43:42

Some cockpluck, your son is. Get out of here, buddy.

SPEAKER_11 43:46

You know what, son? You can you can let that chicken in any time now.

SPEAKER_08 43:54

That's basically how I do it.

SPEAKER_07 43:56

That's pretty sick. I did realize something halfway through that. That improv bit that we are at the point now where we start doing the business of the podcast, but it has been so long since we've recorded one of these. I forgot I forgot that we actually have things that we do. We got things that we do. Alright. So this is a podcast where we bring in comedians every week to do something silly for us. How does that make you feel? Uh you're not the first one.

SPEAKER_08 44:24

That is I'm not the first one. Yeah. I'm what, 34th?

SPEAKER_07 44:28

Well, that was actually kind of impressive. We just need you to tell us what this person meant by this word. It was the 9th of July was when this was published. Um man, so much has happened. We played Survivor. I won Survivor.

SPEAKER_11 44:46

Yeah, we haven't even talked about that.

SPEAKER_07 44:47

No, we don't need to. I just won Survivor.

SPEAKER_11 44:49

We'll talk about this another time.

SPEAKER_07 44:50

It was amazing. Uh Dan didn't win Survivor, but he was a shoe-in. He was a shoe-in. It was a what? He was shoe in for a win.

unknown 44:58

Why? What do you mean?

SPEAKER_11 45:00

I lost so hard. I was not gonna win.

SPEAKER_07 45:03

Well, I got voted out second and then came back and then you came back and won. It was insane. Anyway, that made me very hard, not soft. Uh anyway, so we had our good friend Brock Harris on, who was actually also at that survivor game with us and betrayed me instantly. He sure didn't. Um then didn't even vote for me to win, which is hilarious. I love you, Brock. Uh no, no hard feelings, by the way, Brock, because I'm sure you're listening to this. Uh he gave us a word to describe that white little flaky thing that you put on top of your crustini when you put it in the oven to make bruschetta. And that word was dancing.

SPEAKER_08 45:42

Okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 45:43

What do you think of that?

SPEAKER_08 45:47

Yeah, okay. I see it. Yeah, yeah. See how we got there. This is the first time I've been on the podcast that I didn't listen to the episode before. Oh, really?

SPEAKER_07 45:54

Oh. Interesting. Interesting.

SPEAKER_08 45:56

But yeah, I see how we got there. I don't know if that's what y'all talked about, but that's I see how he got to dancing.

SPEAKER_11 46:01

Okay. Do you think it's a good word describing salt?

SPEAKER_08 46:04

Um as time goes on, I I feel like I there is no such thing as a good word to describe salt. I think that's the kind of the conceit of it.

SPEAKER_07 46:11

Hey, hey, hey, hey, the lawyer is specifically saying we cannot talk about that right now. Fine. Okay.

SPEAKER_08 46:17

Yeah. Gotta end the whole thing if we keep talking about that.

SPEAKER_07 46:20

We can't let people know that there's no right answer. We're gonna make 200 episodes before we truly come to that conclusion. I don't think we'll make 500 ans episodes before we come to that conclusion.

SPEAKER_11 46:30

You think we're gonna make 500 episodes? Oh yeah. Oh.

SPEAKER_07 46:34

Dan.

SPEAKER_11 46:35

Nah.

SPEAKER_07 46:36

That'd be so soft.

SPEAKER_11 46:38

What the hell?

SPEAKER_08 46:40

Okay. At this rate, if I if this is 34 and I've been on here three times, if I keep going, I'm gonna be in a lot of those episodes. You're gonna have to come up a lot of words.

SPEAKER_11 46:49

That's like basically 10% of the episodes. You're just be gonna come on here and having a good time, and then we're gonna get to the word, and we're gonna be like, all right, we need you to describe a word, and you're just gonna be like, telephone, I don't care. Okay, just get it through. Move on. Uh something funny.

SPEAKER_07 47:00

Alright, uh, cool. Well. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, I thought dancing was pretty good. Yeah. But again, I wouldn't be like, ooh, yeah, that that thing's dancing. Now I understand it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 47:11

You know.

SPEAKER_11 47:12

But it is but salt is it's also not like the most danciest of the like.

SPEAKER_07 47:19

Yeah, I would say like red pepper flake is a little more dancing.

SPEAKER_08 47:23

Yeah. I think you've had Tingley too. Someday, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 47:27

A while back, yeah. Yeah. Cinnamon's pretty like flat. Yeah, that's pretty flat. Like if I if I'm if I'm saying cumin, I'm like, who's coming?

SPEAKER_08 47:35

Cinnamon. Cinnamon's sort of dancing. Cinnamon's pretty cinnamon.

SPEAKER_07 47:39

Cinnamon's very dancing. Cinnamon's like a mosh pit. Cinnamon's like Dill.

SPEAKER_08 47:44

Dill?

SPEAKER_07 47:45

Dill's kind of dancing. Dill dancing. Kind of a slow little. Yeah, it's like a it's like a trebuchet of dance.

SPEAKER_08 47:52

Depending on your taste buds, oregano.

SPEAKER_07 47:54

Yeah, yeah. I like oregano.

SPEAKER_08 47:56

Do some people not like oregano? Tastes like soap to some people. That's cilantro.

SPEAKER_11 48:00

Celantro. That is cilantro. Oh, you're right.

SPEAKER_07 48:02

But hey, maybe oregano tastes like that would suck. That would, because oregano is in everything. There's a lot of oregano out there. People love oregano. Mexican oregano, American oregano, Jesus is oregano from Israel. Jesus is oregano? From Israel, yeah.

SPEAKER_08 48:17

When he's not from Israel, no.

SPEAKER_07 48:20

But Jesus is oregano.

SPEAKER_08 48:22

Jesus of Nazareth? That guy's not oregano. Jesus of Israel is a fan of the Negro. Oh, oh. That guy's oregano. That guy's oregano. Yeah.

SPEAKER_11 48:29

Yeah, you get it. I thought he was from I'm not gonna say that never mind.

SPEAKER_08 48:32

Well yeah, Dan, let's actually get into it.

SPEAKER_11 48:35

So Jesus wasn't white. No, it's I wasn't about to say anything edgy. I was about to say, I thought he was from Oregon. Oh. And uh is that anything?

SPEAKER_08 48:47

Well, I believe Is that Jesus is from Oregon. Oh, we could get like John Travolta in that movie and we could like Dan, did you hear me?

SPEAKER_07 48:55

What? What did you say? I did your bit with you. What bit? You said Oregon, and I went, oh. Oregano.

SPEAKER_03 49:05

Oh, Oregano.

SPEAKER_07 49:06

Oh well, now that I'm sad, um, let's all talk about what's making us sad. This is the first episode in like 15 episodes that hasn't been at 1 a.m.

SPEAKER_04 49:19

How are we more tired?

SPEAKER_07 49:21

I'm actually genuinely more tired than usual right now. Probably because my wife's pregnant again. In uh 20 weeks. We're halfway through. 20 weeks. Baby's coming out soon. Baby's coming out as soon as Jesus because baby's due December 31st. December 31st, man. Wow. Yeah. I'm gonna pop them out on your birthday though, Dan. Don't worry. That'd be sick.

SPEAKER_08 49:43

I like how you're gonna do it. Tell your wife. Hey, it's time. It's Dan's birthday. You gotta go.

SPEAKER_07 49:50

All right, little buddy. I'm gonna mold that clay. I mean, we are getting a C-section, so like we can plan that shit. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that crazy?

SPEAKER_11 49:58

You can just plan a birthday. You can plan a birth. Like you growing up, you always think of a birth as like happening on a random day. Yeah, bird brings it.

SPEAKER_08 50:08

With the internet. With the internet. You can schedule it whenever you want.

SPEAKER_07 50:11

I'm gonna get on Amazon Prime. All right, Jeffrey Bezos. When's my baby coming? The future is now. The drone shows up with a little spot. I'm gonna pop out your baby. I'm the Amazon drone.

SPEAKER_11 50:22

What are they called?

SPEAKER_07 50:24

I wanted to call them historic jobs. Forceps? Yeah. Uh beep boop. I am Amazon drone. I have forceps.

SPEAKER_05 50:35

Bad forception. Is that anything? We did it.

SPEAKER_08 50:40

We got back to vaginas. Yeah. That was for you, ladies. That was for you.

SPEAKER_11 50:47

We can call it the vagina monologues again.

SPEAKER_07 50:49

Welcome back to the vagina monologues. I used to think that that Steel Magnolias was about vagina.

SPEAKER_08 50:55

Okay. Yeah. Fred Green Tomatoes kind of is.

SPEAKER_07 50:58

Yeah, Freddy, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_11 51:00

I'm just waiting for you to explain yourself. I just like it. You mean like because you hadn't seen the show? Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 51:08

Or because them about okay.

SPEAKER_07 51:10

And I saw the cover of Steel Magnolias and I was like, that's about a vagina.

SPEAKER_08 51:14

I used to think the phrase nightcap was about like having sex. Like, can I come in for a nightcap? Because I thought, like, you know, uncircumcised penis. Yeah, I got one. Sort of looks like a sorry, a circumcised penis. Oh, I don't have one of those. Well, I'll describe it to you. We're back on it, baby. Um, they did it. I'm not trying to. I don't know why.

SPEAKER_11 51:35

We're back onto the right way penis, baby. Penises are so good. Thank you for tuning back into 1055 the hog.

SPEAKER_07 51:46

I think it's I think it's just time.

SPEAKER_11 51:47

Yeah, for me. It's time. I think it's time. What are you gonna say, though?

SPEAKER_08 51:50

It's time, is what I was gonna say.

SPEAKER_11 51:52

You're saying it's time. Yeah, I think he's ready. Oh my gosh. It's just time. Is it time, Deb? Oh, Brandon, Brandon, Brandon. All right. That was that was not good for an audio medium. I just did a whole dance. Um it was cute. Brandon. The time has come. Trying a new thing. Keep it up, keep it up. We're gonna try it. This is a this is a this is a it's an experimental thing. Brandon, the time has come. Brandon, the time has come. Brandon, the time has come, please take a step up to our sodium podium.

SPEAKER_01 52:42

And if you would be so in one word or less.

SPEAKER_11 52:48

Describe salt.

SPEAKER_08 52:50

Crystalline.

SPEAKER_11 52:52

Crystalline. I don't think we've had it. And it's a it's a few. That's true.

SPEAKER_08 52:58

Yeah, I checked before we got in. I was like, oh shit. I didn't even think about it.

SPEAKER_07 53:01

Crystalline.

SPEAKER_11 53:02

I've been waiting for it.

SPEAKER_07 53:04

Instantly took me to that. You've been waiting for that?

unknown 53:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_11 53:07

I mean, it's one of the main attributes.

SPEAKER_07 53:11

I've been waiting for like clapper girl, but I haven't been waiting for crystalline.

SPEAKER_01 53:14

You've been waiting for what?

SPEAKER_07 53:15

Clabbergirl. It's a brand of salt.

SPEAKER_01 53:18

Oh.

SPEAKER_11 53:21

Yeah, I've been waiting for mortons to be brought up as that word to describe salt.

SPEAKER_07 53:26

Also, kosher. Anyone listening right now is a sort of thing. Yeah, no one said kosher.

SPEAKER_11 53:29

You can steal kosher. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 53:30

It's crazy no one said that. Anyway, crystalline makes me think of crystal light. Himalayan. We haven't had any of the other specific types of salt. Black rock. Black rock. Ash salt. Flats. Rascal.

SPEAKER_08 53:45

Thought about the flats, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 53:46

Yeah. Anyway, so crystalline.

SPEAKER_11 53:49

Crystalline. Crystalline. Did you say dog salt? I was thinking salty dog is what I was thinking. Oh.

SPEAKER_07 53:57

Okay. Crystalline. You know, I like it. I like it a lot. I when I look at salt, I don't imagine little crystals. Because I don't know. I just don't. I mean, that's what they are.

SPEAKER_11 54:11

They are crystals in the finest form. I mean, table salt is ground-up crystals, but I guess when I look at it it does depend on what salt you're looking at, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 54:20

But like fleur de cell, like thick, chunky salt. That's definitely crystals. Yeah, crystalline. You can also do that thing with the the popsicle sticks and the string where you make a big crystals.

SPEAKER_09 54:30

Yeah. So made that me think of rock candy. Rock candy. It's less salt and more sugar. More sugar. But you know.

SPEAKER_07 54:38

Same basic crystal side.

SPEAKER_11 54:39

But hey, we're we're riffing right now. We're hashing it out. We're hashing it out crystalline. We don't have to keep talking about salt. We can talk about anything crystalline.

SPEAKER_08 54:45

What's talking about sugar? Wouldn't that be crazy, guys?

SPEAKER_07 54:47

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The lawyers are informing me we cannot talk about sugar. Ah, we can talk about anything but sugar. We literally talk about anything.

SPEAKER_11 54:54

We can't talk about sugar. Okay, crystalline, crystalline. We can talk about stevia. I'm thinking of crystals. People people like talking about crystal people people have crystals. Are people over crystals? Are they still a big thing? I don't know. I feel like I don't know as many people who are really into crystals anymore.

SPEAKER_07 55:09

It's kind of like a I feel like it's one of those things that's more of like a personal thing. Yeah, I think it's more personal because it used to be something you showed off that you had a bunch of crystals and it's a little bit more than a little bit. I think it's more like personal. Like I I won't lie, like sometimes like I'll hold like I have a malachite stone that I like keep with me and like it like means something to me sentimentally. So like that I feel like is the same benefit as like a crystal is. But like there, I still think that there are a lot of people who believe in crystal.

SPEAKER_11 55:36

Yeah, there definitely is. I'm just wondering because it was pretty much.

SPEAKER_08 55:40

I'm not in the dating scene right now, so I'm not really pretending to care about that shit. Oh, right.

SPEAKER_11 55:45

You just married your third wife.

SPEAKER_08 55:46

That's right. Yeah. Yep. Inherited a crystal empire.

SPEAKER_11 55:51

And so now you try to think about it as little as you can.

SPEAKER_08 55:54

Yeah, okay, it's a it's a word.

SPEAKER_11 55:55

I don't want to be constantly connected to the old ball and chase.

SPEAKER_07 56:00

We now take you to a young entrepreneur at the ripe young age of thirty, who just inherited a crystalline empire from his third wife.

SPEAKER_08 56:09

My lord. The scroll is red. You must come to the land of crystals. The empire is yours.

SPEAKER_05 56:17

Very well, very well. Donald must you go find another maiden. Is not my essential oil empire enough for you? Essential oils are so 2015.

SPEAKER_08 56:32

The worthy treasures of your earth mean nothing to the crystal empire. Donald!

SPEAKER_04 56:38

My husband.

SPEAKER_11 56:39

I leave your young living behind.

SPEAKER_02 56:41

Wait! I'm your other wife. Oh, you're my first wife. Sorry, sorry.

SPEAKER_11 56:44

I got confused for a second.

SPEAKER_02 56:46

Is not my Tupperware Empire enough for you?

SPEAKER_11 56:49

Tupperware is so 2014.

SPEAKER_08 56:52

For cast off your wives and your polygamy and come find the princess of the Crystal Empire.

SPEAKER_10 57:00

For today is 2016, and I must go out and venture out and find a new. You sure you don't want to vote before we go?

SPEAKER_08 57:09

Voting day.

SPEAKER_04 57:12

Honey, honey, I can't vote. You must vote for me. Because you've been trying to do it for a long time.

SPEAKER_08 57:18

Women can vote. Women cannot vote in the Crystal Empire, but men can't either. It's an empire.

SPEAKER_02 57:24

It is an empire. But you have two. So what is the point of the voting day again? I can't remember.

SPEAKER_08 57:29

Oh, it's just like it's just November, and I figured you might want to get in your vote just in case it seems like a pretty big election in 2016. Your wife doesn't know Barack Obama doesn't know Barack Obama's second term, isn't it? She just kind of refused to be able to be able to be able to vote for him a third time if I could teach up.

SPEAKER_11 57:45

She just refuses to commit. She really thinks it's like the 1800s rules of society. It's a whole thing.

SPEAKER_08 57:51

It is a lot like that in the Crystal Empire. You want to go to the you can follow me to Hillary. We can't Hillary. That's your new wife's name. Hilary. The heiress to the Crystal Empire.

SPEAKER_02 58:02

It's me, Hilary. Hilary, welcome. Have you voted yet? I have not yet voted. I do need to do that though, really fast before I leave the country forever.

SPEAKER_08 58:12

You'll never be able to vote in the world.

SPEAKER_11 58:13

Alright, I'm just gonna go vote. I'm just gonna do a funny vote since I'm leaving. I'm just gonna vote for it. I'm just gonna vote for vote.

SPEAKER_02 58:17

No, it has to be serious. No, no, no, no. Because I'm leaving the country.

SPEAKER_11 58:21

I'm just gonna vote for a real vote. I'm just no, I'm just gonna vote for a guy. It doesn't matter. Four more years. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm just gonna vote for this reality star guy and then I'll get the heck out of him. Okay, let's go. He's not gonna win anyway, so it's fine.

SPEAKER_10 58:33

You seem like the perfect guy to be running our crystal empire. Absolutely. You and Hillary together.

SPEAKER_04 58:38

It's so good that your vote counts for 50,000 votes because of your political standing. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_08 58:44

You're a senator. It's wild that it took you this long to vote. You really got in under the wire there.

SPEAKER_10 58:50

And it's also wild that I'm leaving to become the leader of a different country in the middle of my senatorial term.

SPEAKER_08 58:55

Well, it's a space meteorite, but oh, I didn't know that.

SPEAKER_10 58:59

Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, it's the it's the crystal empire.

SPEAKER_07 59:02

Can't you tell? My skin see-through.

SPEAKER_10 59:05

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 59:06

I'm sorry, I've never actually looked at you. We're getting married. Well, but did you vote? He just voted. Yeah, he just voted. Who did you vote for? The reality star guy, whatever his name is.

SPEAKER_05 59:19

For more years.

SPEAKER_07 59:21

One of these days we're gonna We are now arriving at the Crystalline Empire. This is a rough landing.

SPEAKER_08 59:31

It's hard to play these crystal trumpets.

SPEAKER_07 59:34

Well, I I I tried to drill a little bit of a hole in mine. How was that working for you? It didn't work too well, but I got a little bit of you like that one? It's a noise. It's a noise. It's a little bit better than what you're doing.

SPEAKER_08 59:50

I always tried to make an ocarina crystal.

SPEAKER_07 59:53

Never could get it. I loved Ocarina time. It was a great game. Excuse me, are you my new peasants?

SPEAKER_08 59:58

Oh yeah. We're crystal farmers. Crystal farmers.

SPEAKER_07 1:00:02

We farmed a crystal.

SPEAKER_08 1:00:03

We farm the crystals, we play the trumpets, we play the trumpets time, and we we just got this gig, which is to bring you in.

SPEAKER_07 1:00:09

I just got my N64, the newest console in New Year 2026, 2016. Wow.

SPEAKER_08 1:00:16

Mm-hmm. Okay. You seem confused. It's an Alakite 64, the new console. Oh, oh, I forgot I was on a different place.

SPEAKER_11 1:00:23

I was in a different place. I forgot.

SPEAKER_08 1:00:24

You're in the Crystalline Empire.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:27

We're a meteorite.

SPEAKER_08 1:00:28

We've got very different sort of accents class-wise.

SPEAKER_07 1:00:31

I noticed that. I didn't notice that immediately. All right. Well, here's my big trumpet. I'm going to blow it.

SPEAKER_08 1:00:38

What'd you think?

SPEAKER_07 1:00:39

Did you like it?

SPEAKER_08 1:00:42

We do scale out of 13 in the Crystal Empire. Why'd you say 10 then? Just because I wanted you to give it a 10, but then I wanted to play mine so you could give it a 13 after, so you could say that my friend was good, but then it was room for you to say that I was.

SPEAKER_11 1:00:55

Boris, of course, we're always doing this. So I should rate his on a scale of what a 10?

SPEAKER_08 1:00:59

No, give him I do a scale out of 13. Okay.

SPEAKER_11 1:01:02

Thank you, Boris.

SPEAKER_08 1:01:04

You're welcome.

SPEAKER_11 1:01:04

This is a base 13 language, like we do math in base 13?

SPEAKER_08 1:01:09

No, just ratings. Oh, just yeah. Everything else we do. Everything else is very normal. Base 10? Yeah. Very normal. Base 10, base 17, base 18, base 18, base 9.

SPEAKER_07 1:01:19

Base 19 is pretty good. And 64.

SPEAKER_11 1:01:21

Oh, some of your base systems are prime numbers and one of them's not. That's crazy. Well, yeah. You should take out our pie.

SPEAKER_08 1:01:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_11 1:01:31

481522. I know that that doesn't mean what it you It means a different thing where I'm from. Okay. What? Uh okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_07 1:01:39

So I'm I got mine from that TV show Lost. I'm ready. Oh, never mind.

SPEAKER_08 1:01:44

The crystal version of Lost.

SPEAKER_07 1:01:45

Which went 4-8-15-22-3689.

SPEAKER_08 1:01:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 1:01:49

And then Hurley, he won. All of Lost. So I'm rating your Trump.

SPEAKER_11 1:01:58

One to thirteen. One to thirteen.

SPEAKER_10 1:02:00

One to thirteen is the normal scale. Well, I suppose I'll rate it uh seven. Well, that's right.

SPEAKER_08 1:02:10

That's the worst score you can get. Oh no! Oh no, another improv character killed himself. Another one will. They're always we're we're dropping like flies here in the Crystal Empire.

SPEAKER_07 1:02:21

Honey, these are crystal columns. They're just here to stall you on your way back home, like in the Odyssey.

SPEAKER_08 1:02:27

Yes.

SPEAKER_07 1:02:28

Oh.

SPEAKER_08 1:02:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 1:02:29

Oh, I wasn't I didn't realize that actually. That's interesting. If you had read the 38-page pamphlet I sent to you on Crystal Papers. Honey, honey. You know I was never gonna read that. Just tell him a number under 13, he'll kill himself and we can move on.

SPEAKER_08 1:02:45

Real quick. Oh no.

SPEAKER_07 1:02:48

Okay. Let's travel forward.

SPEAKER_11 1:02:50

Now what? So okay, so let's go. I want to go over the plan really fast before we proceed. I want to talk about the plan. So the plan is I'm marrying you. Yeah. We decided privately that we're doing this so that I can take over all the crystals and then we can just shoot it back into space empty of crystal.

SPEAKER_07 1:03:07

Yeah, so but in order to do that, you will have to kill my father. I can't just tell you, I just can't rate him out of less than 1300. That only works for the peasantry. He has his own rating system. I'm not sure. People have tried rating him different numbers over the years, but it never really works. Ooh. It sounds like a fun little puzzle. It's like a fun little puzzle. It's like Dungeons and Dragonsy. The last planet we landed on, I tried to do this, but he found out halfway through he slaughtered and tortured every single person on the planet, and then we came here. But our crystals are very powerful, and if you get nervous and scared, you can grab onto it and it makes you feel slightly better. Okay. I'll keep that in mind.

SPEAKER_08 1:03:48

Oh, it's my dad! The king is on his way.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:51

Does he always sing like this when he announces what announces? Yeah, he always announces himself behind the curtain and then he sneaks up.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:57

Do you guys like it?

SPEAKER_04 1:03:58

You guys get it?

SPEAKER_06 1:03:59

I give it a wait, Papa! Papa, I give it a 56. Out of what?

SPEAKER_08 1:04:06

58. Damn straight. I'm not killing myself. I've got free will. I ain't no crystal, bitch. Ah, I'm the king. Daddy's so king quartz himself, son of a bitch. Wait, hold on, honey.

SPEAKER_07 1:04:19

Sidebar. What? What? What? I think you get his entire personality from that one sentence. Oh, I did. You have to kill him.

SPEAKER_11 1:04:26

But the only way crystalline people can kill can die is if they kill themselves. I was gathering that. So I have to figure out the correct rating that will kill him, does this?

SPEAKER_07 1:04:36

But he'll probably give you riddles, he'll probably try to touch your balls. It's fine. Those are two very different things. He's been listening to a podcast for the last hour about penises and nothing else, so he really only has one thing to talk about. I'm very familiar with that podcast.

SPEAKER_10 1:04:50

Alright, good luck, Harold. It's so good to meet you, King. Yes. It is, isn't it?

SPEAKER_11 1:04:56

It is rate it is on scale. I would rate it a well a 20 out of 20.

SPEAKER_08 1:05:02

Ha ha boom. Straight up. You ever been tortured to death, boy?

unknown 1:05:07

No.

SPEAKER_08 1:05:07

No. You are going to love it.

SPEAKER_10 1:05:12

Well, no, you actually clicked too. You don't understand.

SPEAKER_11 1:05:14

I'm marrying your daughter.

SPEAKER_08 1:05:15

Oh shit, yeah. Daddy.

SPEAKER_11 1:05:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 1:05:17

Okay.

SPEAKER_11 1:05:18

And I and so I'm going to take over your throne, right? I mean, that's what happened.

SPEAKER_08 1:05:24

Real quick, real quick, real quick, step aside, step aside from this lady. What if you killed her?

SPEAKER_11 1:05:28

What if I killed?

SPEAKER_08 1:05:30

Yeah, you and I could get married. Yeah.

SPEAKER_11 1:05:33

Okay, wait. Let me go. I want to make sure I understand the plan.

SPEAKER_08 1:05:37

I want you to get my daughter to kill herself.

SPEAKER_11 1:05:39

Can I tell you something crazy? This is gonna sound crazy.

SPEAKER_08 1:05:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_11 1:05:42

That was her plan for you.

SPEAKER_08 1:05:44

Oh yeah, how did she kill her? How are you gonna get me to kill myself?

SPEAKER_11 1:05:47

I was just gonna like randomly test a bunch of random numbers and see if any of them made you kill yourself.

SPEAKER_08 1:05:53

I was gonna suggest what you do to her is sort of make her self worth, sort of depreciate over a couple months. Through necking. Yeah. Through necking.

SPEAKER_11 1:06:06

And I convinced her that it was her fault.

SPEAKER_08 1:06:08

Yeah, you convinced her it was her fault, but you also subtly the whole time are convincing her that therapy is like a bad idea and all that stuff until event she sort of pushed herself over the edge. That's what I would recommend it as king in Crystal Empire.

SPEAKER_11 1:06:20

Okay. This seems like a long-term plan.

SPEAKER_08 1:06:24

If you want to be the king, you gotta get down with some long-term plans. Okay.

SPEAKER_11 1:06:28

Harold, it's me. I'm on your shoulder. It's Jiminy Cricket, your conscience. Oh, great.

SPEAKER_08 1:06:32

This is where Jiminy Crickets live. We got hundreds of them in the case of them.

SPEAKER_11 1:06:36

I've definitely I've definitely watched Puss and Boots The Last Wish too many times. All right, go ahead. Tell me what you need to tell me. Well, it's not a good idea for you to go ahead and kill that girl.

SPEAKER_07 1:06:46

Okay. But so don't.

SPEAKER_08 1:06:48

Hey, it's me. Evil Jiminy Cricket. I think you should kill that girl. I think we've established that I'm pretty evil already. Yeah, you're you're you have you've taken over two corporate empires.

SPEAKER_07 1:06:59

And don't worry there, Harold. None of this is part of the test.

SPEAKER_08 1:07:02

Yeah. You're a venture capitalist.

SPEAKER_07 1:07:04

Could you really say that's any better than killing people? I don't think that king wants to marry you, but it would be awfully nice.

SPEAKER_08 1:07:10

Yeah, I think I think he's got quite a lot of plans on how to get people to kill themselves that maybe he'd ventured into you.

SPEAKER_07 1:07:15

I think he might be tricking you.

SPEAKER_11 1:07:17

Maybe let that girl live and kill him. I kinda I kind of want to. I'm kind of thinking I'm kind of thinking that I wanna I don't know, just keep it kind of seems like it might be fun if I just kept, you know, testing numbers on both of them almost. You're gonna kill that girl? Well, I don't know. Maybe she's not gonna die from that. What if I told you that girl was my mom? Apparently I have to psychologically torture her for a few months instead. Well, that doesn't work. The last guy tried that?

SPEAKER_07 1:07:41

Your mom? Yeah, she's my mom. Every three weeks she births out like 400 crickets.

SPEAKER_08 1:07:48

Just like swarms of them. Yeah, that's just where you guys are part of my imagination.

SPEAKER_11 1:07:54

You're just crickets that live on my shoulders.

SPEAKER_08 1:07:56

Yes, but we live on there's two crickets per shoulder for everyone.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:00

It was this was amazing.

SPEAKER_08 1:08:01

There's literally only two movies here: Spirit and Pinocchio. And then there's also the crystal version of Lost if you want television.

SPEAKER_07 1:08:10

Okay. Okay. I haven't watched that yet, but I heard Hurley's pretty cool.

SPEAKER_08 1:08:13

It's pretty cool. He wins it. Yeah, he wins it here.

SPEAKER_11 1:08:16

I wish I could contribute to the 22, 33, whatever.

SPEAKER_08 1:08:19

I haven't seen Lost either. I've only seen the Crystal version.

SPEAKER_07 1:08:22

I hear they're all in purgatory, like this feels like right now.

SPEAKER_08 1:08:25

Yeah, the Crystal Kingdom is purgatory.

SPEAKER_07 1:08:27

You're gonna die soon, son.

SPEAKER_08 1:08:29

You're gonna kill yourself. We've seen it.

SPEAKER_06 1:08:30

Yep, he's gonna kill you. Wait, who?

SPEAKER_08 1:08:34

You. You the he. Why do you say he? Because that's how we refer to you.

SPEAKER_11 1:08:37

We refer to you as the he. The he. The he who is prophesies to come. Question real fast. Maybe. If you guys aren't part of my imagination, have I just been having this conversation directly in front of the king the whole time? Yes, you have. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_10 1:08:51

Oh my god of Hillary as well. Oh my god, Hilary. What the fuck are you doing? I'm talking crickets that.

SPEAKER_06 1:08:55

Hey, Hillary, wait sidebar. Hey, let's sidebar. Let's sidebar. Hello, father. What if we get this guy to kill him?

SPEAKER_11 1:09:01

I think we should probably get him to kill him.

SPEAKER_06 1:09:02

Let's get this guy to kill him. Yeah, let's get him to kill himself.

SPEAKER_11 1:09:04

Okay, quick. Just so I'm in on the plan.

SPEAKER_06 1:09:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_11 1:09:07

How are you gonna get me to kill myself?

SPEAKER_08 1:09:09

What? What?

SPEAKER_11 1:09:12

I just figured that's what you're doing. It felt like the natural progression of things here. Have you ever tried Warhammer?

SPEAKER_02 1:09:20

Like as a hobby? Yeah. It's very addictive.

SPEAKER_07 1:09:24

No, I've I've watched a few roommates play it. That's about it. Okay. So you know how when you play Warhammer, you have to click out all of the individual pieces and build the minifigures, and then you have to paint the minifigures, and then you have to put the bases on the minifigures?

SPEAKER_05 1:09:39

I did not know that, but okay. Well, here it's all crystal. It's all crystal. Do you want to play Warhammer, Harold? No, no. You have to to be my husband.

SPEAKER_08 1:09:50

Alright, I guess we'll just sort of slowly stop inviting you to things and you feel isolated.

SPEAKER_05 1:09:54

Yep, I guess you won't. I guess you won't see the next party. No, no, no, no. No, no, I'll leave you on red for three months.

SPEAKER_11 1:10:00

You don't seem to understand that. I love being invited to things.

SPEAKER_07 1:10:02

I really, really, really like being invited to things. We're having a karaoke night after our next Warhammer game.

SPEAKER_10 1:10:10

You told me you don't even like karaoke. Well, maybe you'd see me sing. I may have never looked at you, but you told me you don't like karaoke.

SPEAKER_11 1:10:18

I like crystalline karaoke. Okay. Okay, fine. I'll I'll do it.

SPEAKER_05 1:10:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_11 1:10:24

I'll kill myself. Thank you.

SPEAKER_08 1:10:27

Me too. Hey.

SPEAKER_06 1:10:29

Let's all kill ourselves. Let's do it. Okay, ready? All on the count of three.

SPEAKER_10 1:10:33

Surely this two impromptu will not continue.

SPEAKER_07 1:10:38

Death. I win. Oh, we were right. It didn't finish. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_08 1:10:45

That was it. That was that was it. And that's it. So the crystalline empire fell.

SPEAKER_07 1:10:48

Yeah, that was actually kind of a fun like uh world. You did some fun world building then.

SPEAKER_08 1:10:53

Yeah, we did. Yeah, it was good. There was like a whole The cricket thing. Yeah, crickets live in the world. There's a magic crystalline golems.

SPEAKER_07 1:11:00

Like machine gun crickets coming out of that. Machine gun crickets. Oh, oh.

SPEAKER_08 1:11:05

Like a horde of locusts.

SPEAKER_11 1:11:07

And you know what that means?

SPEAKER_07 1:11:08

We talked about it. Cricket vaginas. Alright. Well, uh, Brandon, it's been an absolute, absolute treat.

SPEAKER_11 1:11:19

Uh thanks for making this seven-hour travel up to your um you and it is now 10-11, or now the two of us have to drive back to Ephraim. Holy cow. Which is seven hours from my house. Back to Cavesville again at the end.

SPEAKER_07 1:11:31

Which is actually three hours. Four? Five. How far is Caesville from Ephraim? Two hours and twenty minutes. Oh, that's it? Yeah. Wow. Wow. We gotta go. Wait, really? That's nothing. I thought it was gonna be like four hours. You guys are fine. You guys are fine. You can get home at the ripe old age of 3 a.m.

SPEAKER_11 1:11:50

I will. And and then I have to get up at uh about eight. Yeah, me too.

SPEAKER_07 1:11:54

I have to get up at five, so uh suckers.

SPEAKER_11 1:11:58

All right, so go to bed right now. I know you won't, but you can. I don't know. Maybe you do go to bed more.

SPEAKER_07 1:12:04

Actually, dude, I'm not gonna lie. I've been going to bed earlier. Good. I stayed up until midnight yesterday and I thought I was gonna die. I felt like the crystalline lady waiting for someone to tell me a rating number so I could die. I was just like, fuck. So tired. Please nag me to death. Please neg me. Don't call me back. Okay, uh, Brandon. Yeah. Uh what is your what is my sign-off for this week?

SPEAKER_08 1:12:28

Um let's see. Your sign-off what is um for the for the viewers, really fast, just just so everyone's caught up.

SPEAKER_11 1:12:36

But Derek, we're 34 episodes in Derek still doesn't have a sign-off. I'm a big I've got a sign off. I've got a sign off since episode one.

SPEAKER_07 1:12:43

There's only been two episodes, Dan's fucked up his sign-off, but that's the first time I've sworn this entire episode.

SPEAKER_08 1:12:48

Wow.

SPEAKER_07 1:12:52

Okay, continue.

SPEAKER_08 1:12:53

Follow your heart, folks, but say it in like a Jimmy Stewart voice.

SPEAKER_07 1:12:56

Okay. Okay. Okay. All right.

SPEAKER_08 1:12:59

Always remember follow your heart, folks.

SPEAKER_07 1:13:01

Okay. I I really wanted to write that down, but I didn't. Don't don't write it down. You gotta remember. All right, final thing. Uh yeah, uh, goal for the week. Dan, what's your goal for the week? Starting with me? Yeah. We don't normally, so I wanted to switch to.

SPEAKER_11 1:13:14

Yeah, usually I have like a minute and a half to come up with something ready to say. Exactly. Making you improv. Okay. My goal for the week is to be more ready the next time you ask me first what my goal for the week is. That's pretty good. Then I hope that's a good idea.

SPEAKER_07 1:13:30

So you haven't had enough time.

SPEAKER_11 1:13:31

That would be nice because I'm going out of town for a week soon. Oh. So we should do that soon. Hey, let's do that. We should do it. All right.

SPEAKER_07 1:13:37

Uh goal for the week, friend.

SPEAKER_08 1:13:38

Uh, I wanna write, I wanna watch more movies, and I wanna write uh a Sonic Mario Enemies to Lovers Fanfiction.

SPEAKER_07 1:13:50

I'm gonna be really pissed off if you don't do that.

SPEAKER_08 1:13:52

Just keep it to myself though.

SPEAKER_07 1:13:54

Oh.

SPEAKER_08 1:13:54

It's like you're gonna publish it to the world like a like a memoir.

SPEAKER_07 1:13:58

And then you'll read it and jerk off on the toilet at work.

SPEAKER_08 1:14:00

Yeah, yeah. About time. About time.

SPEAKER_07 1:14:03

Uh my goal for the week. My goal for the week is to start working on music more because I haven't been doing it for a while.

SPEAKER_11 1:14:11

Yeah. I hope you do. Yeah. And then I hope you keep it to yourself and then release it on wherever you are at Wattpad.

SPEAKER_08 1:14:19

Wattpad's taking off all of their smut. Oh no.

SPEAKER_05 1:14:28

Well, Mary, always remember. Follow your heart and do it in a Jimmy Sue.

SPEAKER_10 1:14:36

And we'll catch you on the flip side. Oh.

SPEAKER_11 1:14:41

I sound like Nick Cage.